: Clothes for sale :

I don't expect most of my readers will be interested in this, because if I were to venture a guess, I would think most of my readers are MTF transsexuals. But I suppose quite a few could be male admirers, so this is worth a shot. I just listed some of my old boy clothes on Ebay - that's what I've been doing here for most of the evening. So if you're interested in buying used men's clothing and you are six-foot-one and weigh about 180 pounds, check out my Ebay listing here.

: Year-end survey :

A little survey to mark the New Year...

1. WHAT DID YOU DO IN 2005 THAT YOU'D NEVER DONE BEFORE?
Oh god, there's way too much to list - pretty much the entire year was a neverending line of firsts for me.

2. DID YOU KEEP YOUR NEW YEARS' RESOLUTIONS, AND WILL YOU MAKE MORE FOR NEXT YEAR?
I don't normally make resolutions, so if I did, I can't remember what I resolved to do.

3. DID ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Not to my knowledge.

4. DID ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU DIE?
Nope.

5. WHAT COUNTRIES DID YOU VISIT?
Does New Jersey count...?

6. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE IN 2006 THAT YOU LACKED IN 2005?
Stability

7. WHAT DATES FROM 2005 WILL REMAIN ETCHED UPON YOUR MEMORY AND WHY?
The wee hours of April 1 - the night my house burned down, and October 1 - my first day being full-time as a woman.

8. WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT OF THE YEAR?
Becoming on the outside who I really am on the inside.

9. WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST FAILURE?
Trusting my soon-to-be ex-spouse more than I should have.

10. DID YOU SUFFER ILLNESS OR INJURY?
Astonishingly no - and I'm so grateful for that.

11. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING YOU BOUGHT?
Probably the Dell laptop that I use every day.

12. WHOSE BEHAVIOUR MERITED CELEBRATION?
All the friends and family who have stood by me and voiced their unconditional support.

13. WHOSE BEHAVIOUR MADE YOU APPALLED AND DEPRESSED?
All of the members of my family and my spouse's family who showed me that the people I thought were closest to me were the ones least likely to love me unconditionally. Interestingly, not a single non-family person falls into this category.

14. WHERE DID MOST OF YOUR MONEY GO?
To support my spouse and child, willingly and unwillingly.

15. WHAT DID YOU GET REALLY, REALLY, REALLY EXCITED ABOUT?
Being with the ones I love.

16. WHAT SONG WILL ALWAYS REMIND YOU OF 2005?
Porcupine Tree - "Lazarus" from the album Deadwing.

17. COMPARED TO THIS TIME LAST YEAR ARE YOU:
a) Happier or sadder? Generally happier, and capable of being much, much happier :D
b) Thinner or fatter? Thinner, due to diet, stress and a little liposuction :P
c) Richer or poorer? In terms of money and property, much poorer

18. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU'D DONE MORE OF?
Reading.

19. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU'D DONE LESS OF?
Writing letters to my hard-headed family.

20. HOW WILL YOU BE SPENDING CHRISTMAS?
I spent Christmas having dinner with friends in Houston, and I'll be having a delayed gift exchange in January in New Jersey.

21. DID YOU FALL IN LOVE IN 2005?
In a whole lot of ways (see #15).

22. HOW MANY ONE-NIGHT STANDS?
Zero.

23. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE TV PROGRAM?
Iron Chef and Iron Chef America.

24. DO YOU HATE ANYONE NOW THAT YOU DIDN'T HATE LAST YEAR?
I don't think hating people solves anything.

25. WHAT WAS THE BEST BOOK YOU READ?
The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

26. WHAT WAS YOUR GREATEST MUSICAL DISCOVERY?
Oooh, tough one! I think I'm going to have to go with Jeff Buckley.

27. WHAT DID YOU WANT AND GET?
Prescriptions for hormones :)

28. WHAT DID YOU WANT AND NOT GET?
A divorce and a legal name change, but that's coming soon, I hope.

29. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE FILM OF THE YEAR?
Where the Truth Lies

30. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Had a breakfast of barbacoa (shredded beef) and a birthday cake in San Antonio with friends during the Hurricane Rita evacuation.

31. WHAT ONE THING WOULD HAVE MADE YOUR YEAR IMMEASURABLY MORE SATISFYING?
Seeing the Astros win the World Series.

: Job search update :

I've started sending out resumes to recruiters and PR agencies now, and I got my first bite today. One of the recruiting managers at a medium-sized agency with offices in New York, San Francisco and London emailed me back and wants to meet with me - hallelujah! Of course it's probably best not to get my hopes up too much, but it is very encouraging to say the least. The company has about 50 employees and its culture seems to be similar to my former company. Plus, I love all three of those cities, so if I have a chance to visit the other offices, I'm all for it.

The bad news is that things are still dragging on my legal name and gender change. My attorney is out of town until Monday, but things are getting pretty tight now time-wise, with a possible interview coming up. If I were being optomistic, a court order could take three or four weeks to secure, then I would have to go to the Department of Public Safety and apply for a new driver's license, but it would be two more weeks until I would receive it through the mail. I would also have to get a new social security card and change all my credit records. This is all predicated on the assumption that the judge even grants my request in the first place, which is by no means guaranteed.

Without the legal identity change, I won't be able to go "stealth" as I would have liked to. My preference would be to leave Houston as a t-girl and start my life anew in a different city as a woman, without any reason to reveal my past. I certainly pass well enough as female to those people who have never met me, and I am looking forward to a new life where I can stop being preoccupied with my TG issues and just live life to the fullest. Unfortunately, if my driver's license still says "M" instead of "F" on it, there will always be the possibility that my trans status will cause problems for me.

I hope to hear something back from the agency in the next couple of days to see about scheduling an interview. In the meantime, I will be sending out more resumes and getting my portfolio ready. I've also scheduled lunches with some of my former co-workers to meet and ask for their help in my job search. Now that my physical transition is largely finished (pending SRS), I am in a position to emerge from my shell and face the world as my new self. Social transition, however, will take many more years, and possibly the rest of my life. But for today, I am happy, and I know that I am finally headed in the right direction.

: Gay bashing :

I went to see Brokeback Mountain on Thursday, and I thoroughly enjoyed it - outstanding acting performances, beautiful cinematography, haunting music and a very accessible story about how denial can lead to heartache and disaster. What is somewhat surprising is how popular the movie is in Houston, which has always had this reputation of being very conservative for a city of its size. Even for a weekday matinee show, the theater was more than half-full. Contrast that to the primetime showing of Memoirs of a Geisha, which played to a mostly empty theater.

After the movie, I found a Houston Chronicle message board on the success of the movie, and I was sickened by all the hate speech against gays that the popularity of the movie has brought out in some people. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that there are such people in the world, and that the Internet makes it safe for them to spew forth whatever vitrolic thoughts that pops up into their tiny heads. What does kind of astonish me is the level of ignorance displayed by these people in discussing homosexuality.

One argument seems to be that the movie is promoting the gay lifestyle in an attempt to turn kids into homosexuals. There are two fallacies in that argument. One is that people don't "become" gay because of what they see or read. Being gay isn't a choice, and even if it were, who would choose it? The choice is what you do about it - either deny yourself and stay in the closet or accept and act upon it. The other fallacy is that if you watched the movie, you would never get the idea that being gay is glamorous or desireable. For the characters in Brokeback Mountain, being gay leads to heartache and painful family breakups. I would hardly call that a convincing argument to become gay.

The other thing I notice is that, despite all the rhetoric against gay behavior, there is no mention of lesbians. People who are against gays tend to focus on their digust on the act of anal sex between two males. In 14 pages of back and forth arguing, I didn't see a single mention of anyone's opinion on lesbians. This leads me to wonder if people who attack gays are only against male homosexuals, and then only if they engage in anal sex. Because if someone is against the IDEA of homosexuality, then lesbians should be condemned equally.

I've never given much thought to homosexuality in the past. Being TG is a little different than being gay. It's mostly an inner identity conflict, and less about sexual behavior. But at the same time, I have to figure that at some time or another, I will probably engage in homosexual behavior, unless I remain celibate until SRS. If I make love to someone with a vagina, in my mind, that would be lesbian sex. If I make love to someone with a penis, we will probably have anal sex. So even though being TG and being gay are two entirely different things, the point is that it is in human nature to desire sex, and sometimes we just have to be creative to satisfy that desire.

: Bras and boobs :

As I'm sure most people know, Victoria's Secret is having its semi-annual sale right now. I stopped in at the Galleria store to browse around, and it struck me that I made the right decision in not making my breasts too large.

In case anyone is familiar with breast augmentation, my implants are described as smooth round moderate profile saline implants, 350 cc sized. When I first went in for a consultation, the doctor recommended 450 cc implants, which would have made me a D cup. With a chest and ribcage as large as mine, that would have given me more cleavage and probably wouldn't have looked bad at all. But my main concern was that I might grow larger with continued HRT and eventual SRS, which has been known to cause a growth spurt in breasts when the source of the body's testosterone is permanently removed. And despite persistent encouragement from one friend of mine, I'm not pursing a career at Hooters (although I do love their spicy chicken wings).

But what I've only just figured out is that once a woman gets above a 38 C size, bras start looking less like lingerie and more like surgical support bras. I never really realized this because I never shopped for larger sizes before (I was - at best - an A cup before surgery). A genetic girl that wears 40 D or larger starts getting to the point where breasts become a burden on the shoulders, neck and back. Larger breasts would not have been too much of a hardship for me since I have a larger skeleton and I haven't been carrying weight on my chest up until now. But I like being a 38 C because I can find sexy bras without having to go to Frederick's of Hollywood and paying $30-$40 for them.

: Gay marriage :

From a young female-to-male friend's site:

10 Best reasons Gay Marriage is wrong

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.


Re-post this if you believe love makes a marriage.

: Attacks on TG people :

I was out this evening at my weekly TG group social gathering at a cafe in Montrose, a predominantly gay part of Houston. I was with my friend Kyla ("Eye of the beholder" - Oct. 7, 2005) and while we were there, she got accosted by a man who clocked her (identified her as TG). When she asked him what his problem was, he made some scathing comment about how at least he was "normal" and that he had served in the military. He continued to snicker at her, until finally his friend (who was black AND gay) came over and apologized to Kyla for his friend's behavior. I wonder if this guy realized that probably three-quarters of the people in the cafe at that time were probably either gay or transgendered. Sometimes the ignorance, immaturity and intolerance of some people amazes me.

Kyla thinks that it's possible this guy was attracted to her, until he realized that she was TG (how he realized that, I'm not sure). But some guys have been known to get more agitated in a situation where they find themselves attracted to a t-girl before discovering she used to be a boy. An extreme example is what happened to Gwen Araujo, a young t-girl who was murdered by three men after they discovered that she was biologically male. This is the primary reason that I advocate telling a potential romantic partner about your genetic history before things get serious (i.e. before kissing is my personal rule).

Kyla gets clocked more than I do, but she also gets a lot more unsolicited compliments on her looks as well. Several times people have literally stopped us to say how pretty she is, or how they love her hair or her makeup. But with her flashy dress and sense of style, (she has purple highlights in her brown hair now) she realizes that she has to take both the good and bad attention. But to her, it's worth it to express her individuality, which she has been doing since she was young. Unfortunately, the world is full of people like this guy tonight who still live by playground rules, where those who are different can be mocked with impunity.

: More shirts for sale :

I have my last lot of men's designer shirts on sale now on Ebay. If you are in the market for XL and XXL shirts, have a look - if you win the auction and tell me that you read my blog, I'll give you $5 off the total price :)

Lot of six designer shirts - Hilfiger, Guess, Nautica

: Preparing for job interviews :

I scheduled an interview with a second New York PR agency for next week, and another interview with a PR headhunting firm, so I'm just about all booked up now. I could squeeze in maybe one more if someone called me back this week. All in all though, I'm pretty pleased with the response I've gotten to my initial job inquiries.

Now I have a few things to tend to in preparation for my trip. Most importantly is putting together my portfolio of work, which was hastily assembled in the last days before leaving my former job. I had lunch last week with a former co-worker who was very helpful in giving me some ideas on how to organize it all.

I also need to have my hair trimmed, since no one has touched it since early October. I also thought I might go in for one more laser treatment on my face, since there are a few stray hairs popping up. They are so soft and fine that I could actually pluck them without too much difficulty, but if I did that, then the laser would not be able to reach the hair follicle. So I've been shaving them off as they appear, in anticipation of getting one more laser treatment.

I was up late last night trying on things to wear for the interviews. I have a black jacket and pants that are very slimming on me, and I just need to decide on what top to wear with them. I found a very nice one at Nordstroms, but as I looked at it last night, it's actually kind of brown instead of black, so it doesn't quite go together. I also debated wearing a skirt, but as I don't think my legs are my best feature, I think I'll stick with pants for now. Besides, I expect it will be a bit cold for a southern gal such as myself to be wearing a short skirt in New York.

Still no progress to report on the name/gender change petition. My attorney says it might be this week. If we can get the court order before I leave, that would be the best case scenario - then I might be able to complete the process before actually accepting a job offer. Here's to hoping, at least....