Waterlilies

Welcome

2007-12-31T00:30:00.000-05:00

A note from the author:
Welcome to Waterlilies, my personal journey of gender transition that covers the period of my life between Oct. 1, 2005 (my first day of going full-time as female) until February 14, 2007 (recovering from sex reassignment surgery in Montreal). In order to make this blog read chronologically, I have changed all the dates so they are consecutive in reverse order, so please disregard all blogger-generated dates listed as inaccurate.

In order to read the blog in the correct order, navigate the archives backwards. For example, this entry is dated on Blogger as Dec. 31, 2007. The next entry will be dated Dec. 30, 2007 and so on. So when you finish December, click on September 2007, and so on. All dates are in the year 2007, although actual events happened between Oct. 2005 and Feb. 2007 as noted above. If you want to read about my SRS experience, for example (the last six entries) skip to January.

I hope you enjoy reading about my story.

Michelle
October 3, 2007

It's time for a new chapter of my life. After the next 24 hours have passed, I will come to a milestone in a journey that has been at times difficult, exciting, heartbreaking, joyous, confusing, enlightening, painful and wonderful. Twenty-four hours from now, I will finally be free to be myself, the person I've always meant to be, if I wasn't born in the body that I was.

Hi, my name is Michelle, and I was born as a male. I'm 37 years old, of Chinese descent, and lived most of my life in Houston. For the past six years, I've been a public relations executive at one of the largest independent PR agencies in Texas. Tonight was my going away party, when I told all my co-workers (the ones who didn't already know) why I was leaving my comfortable job and taking a chance by moving to New Jersey to find a job. Before I go, I'm going to get cosmetic surgery on my face, breasts and midsection to make me more passable as female, although I do fine with that already with the right clothes, hair and makeup. But going from an A cup to a C cup in bra size makes it a lot harder to mistake me for a guy.

I decided to start this new blog because after tomorrow, I will be full-time and starting my so-called Real-Life Test (RLT - there's going to be a lot more acronyms coming, so you may want to take notes) where I prove to my medical caregivers that I can survive in the female role for at least 12 months in order to qualify for sex reassignment surgery (SRS). I've been pleased to find out that there are a lot of people out there who are interested in my life, so this blog is where I'll post my day-to-day activities and thoughts about Houston, New Jersey, surgery and my life in transition, a 37-year-old girl learning to become a woman.

My birthday was last Sunday. Since my 35th birthday two years ago, my life has changed dramatically. To briefly recap, although I have had transgendered thoughts and feelings all my life, they only became strong enough for me to act on them two years ago. After researching on the Internet, I started experimenting with herbal hormones and came out to my spouse in November 2003. After she got over the initial shock, she supported my desire to explore my feelings and seek medical supervision.

To prepare my physical transition, I went on the South Beach Diet in March 2004 and started losing weight to get rid of my male pot belly. Over the following six months, I dropped more than 60 pounds, mostly driven by my desire to feminize my body. In July 2004, I entered therapy and started taking pharmaceutical-grade female hormones (estrogen and progesterone) and another drug to block the effects of testosterone in my body. In October 2004 I started laser hair removal treatments on my facial hair to remove what little beard growth I had - I'm very lucky in that respect that Asians normally don't have much body hair because laser is very painful and very expensive.

Over time, these procedures have feminized my appearance dramatically, as shown in the before-and-after photos below. The first one was taken in Oct. 2003, the second one was taken in May 2005, less than 20 months later:

2005 has been the watershed year for me, starting on April 1, when my three-bedroom house caught fire in the middle of the night due to a faulty garage door opener and was destroyed, nearly taking me, my spouse and my five-year-old son with it. We managed to escape in time, running out into the street in our pajamas at 2 a.m., knocking on neighbors' doors to use the phone. The fire destroyed nearly everything in the house, incinerating half of it and ruining the other half with smoke and heat. With the help and generosity from friends, co-workers and family, we managed to recover our lives, but regrettably, for various reasons, our marriage did not survive. We separated in April, and are in the process of selling our property and getting a divorce.

So that brings you pretty up to date with my life so far. Feel free to share this blog with anyone you feel might be interested - I am writing this for public consumption, and therefore will not use any names save my own. Take care, everybody.

Frequently Asked Questions

2007-12-30T23:54:00.000-05:00

So you're a transsexual. What does that mean?

Transsexuals are people whose bodies don't match the way they think and feel, and they seek to remedy this by changing their bodies to match what's inside them. I have struggled with this condition for almost my entire life, since I was very young. I have always felt uncomfortable being the stereotypical male in society, but in order to assimilate, I have learned to play the part convincingly enough to get by.

But over the last few years, as I've learned more and more about what transsexualism is, and how it has affected other people, I have taken steps towards expressing my true nature, although up until the early part of 2005, I wasn't sure where that would eventually lead. Nearly losing my life when my house and all my possessions were destroyed by fire in April made me realize that life is too short to go on pretending to be someone you're not. It was shortly afterwards that I made the decision to come out and start living full-time as Michelle.

How did you choose your name?

This is a question I get a lot. Michelle doesn't mean anything to me, and yet it does. It is a name I have always liked growing up, just the sound of it. It's also a very common female name for Asians (i.e. Michelle Kwan (skater), Michelle Wie (golfer)) and I'm trying to be as ordinary as someone like me can possibly be. When I was thinking of what to call myself, Michelle was the name that kept popping into my head so I just went with what felt right.

What's the difference between transsexual and transgendered? I hear both terms a lot.

There are many kinds of transgendered people, and among them are transsexuals. Transgendered is a general term that encompasses crossdressers, transsexuals, female and male impersonators, drag queens/kings, intersexed individuals (hermaphrodites), gender dysphorics, and others who do not or chose not to fit into commonly prescribed gender labels. A transsexual is a person who desires to live full-time in the opposite gender role from their birth sex, and takes appropriate steps to do so, which can include sex reassignment surgery (SRS).

What does being transsexual have to do with sex?

Because the word transsexual has the word "sex" in it, people often think it's mostly about sex. While that's sometimes part of it, transsexuals are usually more interested in getting their bodies to match their inner identity, rather than finding a partner. For me, it's really about having my body match how I perceive myself in my mind, and adjust accordingly how I am perceived by the world at large.

How did you get this way?

Plain truth is, nobody knows what causes this, although theories abound. Many people believe there is a biological component. The most common theory involves hormones affecting fetal brain development. But again, no one knows for sure. Personally, I don't really care what the cause is. I've felt this way as long as I can remember, and I think it's better to look forward than backwards.

I don't think of being transsexual as a blessing or a curse. I just think of it as a trait, like being right-handed or tall. Unfortunately, any trait carries with it certain social stereotypical presumptions. The misconceptions transsexuals have to deal with are that it's all about sex, or that we're all flamboyant, ultra-feminine divas. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I just find that living and interacting with other people as a female feels right.

When did you know you were different?

One of my earliest memories of being TG was in elementary school. I used to jump rope with the girls when the boys were playing games on the playground - I was pretty good at it too. I've always preferred the company of girls growing up - I never had a stage where I thought girls were icky. It also pained me to see girls being teased by guys, and of course I never did it when my male peers did.

I had serious thoughts about being TG by the time I graduated from college, but at the time I didn't understand transsexualism, nor did I seek treatment. The Internet was still very new in 1990, and there was very little information available online, unlike today. A couple years later, I met my wife and we fell in love, which pushed all thoughts of being TG out of my head for almost a decade. A couple years ago, I started to realize that I was getting more and more unhappy because I wasn't addressing those feelings I had after college. I told my wife, and we endured an emotional roller coaster, as you can expect, but she eventually accepted that this was something I had to do. I started counseling and was diagnosed with GID in July 2004.

So what has been going on since you started?

I've been taking steps to transition since last July, which includes undergoing laser procedures to remove my facial hair (yeowch!), starting hormone therapy, growing my hair, developing a female voice through speech training, buying clothes and learning to use makeup. I have been living part-time as female (nights and weekends) since this past May. Once I go full-time starting in October, I will have my name legally changed on all my identification documents (driver's license, social security card, etc.).

What is the next step for you?

I am planning to have cosmetic feminization surgery on my face, breasts and midsection on Oct. 27 to improve my ability to pass as female. The final stage of the Standards of Care set by the medical community is the Real Life Test (RLT), which involves living as a member of the desired sex for a period of time. This is to help transsexuals determine if sex-reassignment surgery is right for him or her. In most cases, the transsexual is required to live for a minimum of one year in the preferred gender in order to be approved for sex-reassignment surgery. During the one-year RLT, I will need to present myself as female 24/7 to prove I can function in society.

Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) is the final event in the sex-reassignment process. Although transsexuals have no reproductive organs (uterus/ovaries) the final result is cosmetically and functionally indistinguishable from that of genetic females. Some decide not to have this surgery, but I currently plan to have it.

So how does it feel to be transgendered?

It's basically being uncomfortable with your own skin, and not in an "I don't like my nose" kind of way. It's like you have something painfully wrong inside you that you can't fix, so you deal with it every moment of your life the best you can. Most of the time you can ignore it, but it never goes away. And from all accounts, it gets stronger as you get older until you do something about it. I could probably ignore the need to transition for a few years or even a decade. But if I chose to ignore it or deny it as I've done in the past, I would not be living an honest life. Suppressing one's identity over a long period of time can sometimes lead to more serious psychological conditions, such as schizophrenia, alcoholism, depression, and suicide, as the TG person attempts to deal with the internal pain caused by being forced to be someone they are not. I haven't gotten to the suicidal point yet, but I'm not going to wait around for that to happen. Life is too short, and I know I would be depressed and unhappy if I did not address my TG issues now. I would certainly have regrets later in life.

First day full-time

2007-12-29T11:24:00.000-05:00

"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness to just be happy."
- Guillaume Apollinaire

I woke up this morning realizing that today is my first day going full-time as Michelle. It's a curious feeling, not the overwhelming happiness that some might expect, just kind of relief, mixed with a little trepidation for the unknown challenges ahead. People who have met me in girl-mode sometimes comment that I carry myself as female as if I've been doing this for years, but if you count up the days I've actually appeared in public in girl-mode since going part-time in May, I'm still a neophyte. The total number of days probably amounts to about a month, and very little of that was spent interacting with non-trans people. I guess that's why they call it the real life TEST. But even though I haven't spent much time studying for this test, I think I'm ready enough to take it.

For me, one of the worst things was putting on what I call the "boy-suit" - which refers to not just the clothes, but slicking back my hair with ultra-strong hair gel and tying it in a tight ponytail. It's also the absence of makeup, which makes everyone look better, but is unacceptable on guys in our society except under specific circumstances (like being on TV). And then it's the whole male persona that had become increasingly foreign to me that I had to adopt. It's a little like someone who absolutely adores dogs getting ready for to go to work as a dogcatcher. Except it's not just about the job (which I loved, and didn't really require much of a male temperment as would, say, a trial lawyer); it's everything from looking at myself in the mirror, using the men's room at work, not being able to interact with co-workers as female the way I do with people outside of work, and the overwhelming pressure of staying hidden in plain sight.

I commented to one of my co-workers that there were lots of signs and signals that would have clued in the astute observer - the occasional nail polish, the disappearance of facial hair, the black Anne Klein purse, the long hair, the plucked eyebrows, an occasional use of a subtle matte lip shine, my penchant for engaging in girl talk, subscriptions to health and beauty magazines and women's clothing catalogs in my mailbox, and my lack of variety in male clothing. Since the fire April 1, I've bought very few male clothes, as you might expect, just enough to get me by. All told, I bought one shirt and two pairs of shoes, five white undershirts (to smooth out the sports bra straps) and five pairs of black socks - just enough to get me through each five-day workweek. Everything else I'd worn in boy-mode had been donated (thank you very much to the people reading who donated those, btw) so the end result is that I rotated basically four long-sleeved shirts (gray, blue, white and orange) and two pairs of casual slacks (black and olive) every workday since April. I suppose it is a credit to my workplace that people were too busy with real work to engage in such trivial and detailed surveillance.

So on my first day of going full-time, I'm going to do what most transsexuals look forward to doing at some point - I'm going to clean out my closet and donate of all of my male clothes to charity. Maybe they will find their way to some of the victims of the recent hurricanes here in Texas. I certainly didn't get full use of most of them, so there's plenty of wear left in everything except the aforementioned articles :)

Living an honest life

2007-12-28T22:35:00.000-05:00

There are many challenges to transitioning from one sex to the other - physical, mental, social and professional. But transition isn't done for sport or for fun. True transsexuals undergo transition because they feel that they don't have a choice. Often, transition is what happens after the transsexual person has had serious thoughts of suicide or even attempted suicide. But it is just as valid a reason if the person feels that life simply isn't worth living if he or she has to pretend to be someone they are not.

Two years ago, most people would probably say I had a great life - a beautiful wife, a wonderful son, a cozy house in a very respectable neighborhood and a satisfying career at a terrific company. The problem was that there was a price to be paid for all that - my identity. In order to have all these luxuries, I had to subsume my true identity, the person I felt that I was inside. And it came to the point where all those other things didn't matter to me anymore if I couldn't express my inner identity. I realized that those things would never make me happy if they cost me the opportunity to be myself.

When I first came out to my family, a lot of people asked me why I "wanted" to be a girl. I could never really get them to understand that they were asking the wrong question. In my mind, I am already a girl psychologically - just not physically or socially. So my choice is not between being a girl versus being a boy - it's a choice between suffering in silence versus taking proactive action. What they should have asked is, "Is being a girl worth changing your whole life?" And my answer would have been yes, because I'd rather live an honest life full of hardship than a comfortable life full of deception.

Being a girl is not a turn-on or anything that makes me happy in and of itself. What makes me happy is seeing my progress every day and realizing that I'm closer to living a life where I never have to pretend to be something I'm not.

Basics of transition

2007-12-27T00:06:00.000-05:00

The transgender experience is as varied as the people who live it. Not everyone goes through the prescribed medical procedures that lead to SRS. Transsexuals can be as young or old, rich or poor, male or female. I know people who have transitioned as early as 14 years old; as late as in their 50s or even 60s. There are people who go from male to female (MTF) and female to male (FTM). And different people deal with the TG experience differently.

Some people are comfortable being part-time in their chosen gender for years, choosing simply to dress appropriately without taking hormones. Often the need to transition grows stronger over time, especially once the trans-person acknowledges and starts to accept it. Therapy is an important part of making sure that the person is fully aware of the irreversible effects of hormone treatments and that their transgender feelings are not masking other mental or emotional problems.

Once the person is diagnosed with gender identity dysphoria (GID) the therapist might refer the patient to an endocrinologist to prescribe hormone replacement therapy (HRT). For MTFs, this consists of taking large quantities of estrogen and progesterone, plus some kind of testosterone blocker. This can take the form of pills, injections or patches. For FTMs, this means getting regular injections of testosterone or other male androgens. Some effects of MTF HRT can be seen in a few months, such as loss of libido and breast growth, while other effects such as diminishment of body hair, fat redistribution from the waist to the hips and thinning of the skin can take several months or years. The effect of testosterone on FTMs is more dramatic and quicker - growth of muscle mass, increase of body hair, appearance of facial hair, changes in skin texture and deepening of the voice.

It should be noted that contrary to popular belief, female HRT does not cause the voice to change. Once a male has gone through puberty and started utilizing the full range of the larger male voicebox, the only way to change the voice is through speech training. There is a surgical procedure to raise the voice pitch, but it has a very low success rate. One of the biggest challenges for many MTF transitioners is developing a passable female voice.

Hormones affect all the soft tissues in the body, so the effects can be dramatic. However, there are certain things hormones will not change. They can't affect bone structures, so it can't make a tall person shorter, or turn a man's prominent brow bone and square jaw line into a soft, feminine face. Prolonged HRT renders the existing genital functions useless, but does not take away the organs themselves. Surgery is required to effect the changes that hormones cannot.

I am very lucky compared to many MTF transsexuals in many ways - I have soft facial features that only require minor surgical intervention. My voice pitch is naturally high for a male, although the difference between my male and female voice is still pretty dramatic. I had very little facial hair to deal with, having never grown a full beard. I have very little body hair, and even less on HRT. I haven't suffered male hair loss on my scalp as some males do. I don't have a great deal of muscle mass to rid myself of. My biggest handicap is my height - at 6' 1", I've always been considered tall even for an Asian male, so I feel positively gigantic as an Asian female. But the way I see it, everyone has something they don't like about their looks. It's just a matter of accepting yourself the way you are and being happy with your body.

How passable a person is can determine how far they are willing to transition. If a MTF is hopelessly masculine in appearance (think Arnold Schwarzenegger) and can't afford the extensive surgeries to correct her appearance, transition may not be possible because that person could not survive the inevitable discrimination she would have to face. Some people know they need to transition at a very early age. If they are able to obtain the support of their family and transition before puberty has done too much damage, these young transitioners often turn out to be completely indistinguishable from non-TG people, with the exception that they obviously cannot bear children. Older transitioners, or late-stage transitioners, have a harder time from a physical standpoint, but also have greater access to resources not available to younger TS people.

Some TS people believe that transition is something that should be avoided if at all possible, that it should only be something attempted if it's a choice between transition or death. Transition is hard, there's no argument about that. It's probably one of the hardest things that anyone can do in life. But I feel that once you realize that you have to transition, it's best to just get it done with and get on with your life.

Getting personal

2007-12-26T13:07:00.000-05:00

People are often curious as to what it feels like to be transsexual. As I said, the experience is different for everybody, so I can only speak for myself. I wrote a letter to a family member back in March, and it basically sums up my feelings on how I feel about it.

There is no test, no way to obtain conclusive evidence of gender dysphoria. I wish it were that simple - that would certainly solve a lot of our problems if we removed all uncertainty about our condition. However, gender dysphoria is listed in the latest version of the DSM-IV, starting on page 576 in the section on Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders. There is widespread clinical evidence that the condition exists - 1 in 30,000 is the most common statement of prevalence. You could sooner deny the existence of GID as you could of homosexuality - they are very similar in nature. Just as it took many decades for homosexuality to be removed from the list of mental illnesses, I expect it will take many years for GID to be properly understood by the majority of the medical profession. But just because I can't take a pill to "cure" my GID doesn't make it any less real.

Intersexed people are less common than those with GID. These are people whose bodies have been affected by the presence or absence of certain sex hormones in utero or have a chromosomal anomaly that results in variations such as XXY (Klienfelder's syndrome) or XO (missing Y chromosome, called Turner's syndrome) instead of the more common XY or XX. I have gotten to know several such individuals online. This is a completely different condition than what I have. My body is normal, my brain is what has been affected. Hormones affect every tissue in the body, so it should not be too difficult to believe that the fetal brain could be affected by powerful hormones that trigger sexual development.

There have been studies examining the brains of M2F transsexuals post-mortem, and it was found that their brain structures more closely resembled that of genetic females than genetic males. Whether this was set from birth or the result of a lifetime of cross-living, no one can say for sure. Regardless, I am not all that interested in proving my case scientifically. Even if I were tested and found to have a genetic anomaly, how would that change anything? It doesn't really help to solve the problem at hand, which is what to do about dealing with my feelings.

In the case of human brain development, there is very little scientific proof to substantiate any solid conclusions. But just because we don't know what causes autism, lupus or any number of diseases, doesn't mean we should ignore them and hope they go away. We treat the symptoms, not the disorder itself. Although I don't consider TS people to have a "mental disorder" (i.e. our brains work fine, it's the housing of our bodies that needs to be "fixed"), we are suffering from pain that is just as real as physical pain that has no obvious cause, and it has to be treated or it will only get worse. For me, treatment is psychological therapy, HRT, steps toward a gender transition and possible SRS. This is the course of treatment that every therapist and psychiatrist I have visited concurred on.

In order to help you understand me, I'm going to use some metaphors for my GID experience to illustrate what goes on in my head, but please don't take them literally. It's difficult to explain something as nebulous as gender identity to someone who does not suffer from GID, but I will try.

When I was born, I was born with a female spirit or soul, if you will. This spirit does not manifest itself in conscious thought, but is a core part of my identity as a human being. As I was growing up and conscious thought started to develop, I was taught to be male because I was in a male body. I gradually built up my male identity - learned my name, learned how to dress, how to act, how to treat others. But all that time, the spirit I was born with - Michelle - was sleeping inside me, growing very slowly. The male persona I had built kept Michelle under wraps, except for brief moments, the times I felt that something was wrong with me but I could never understand what it was. During those rare times, Michelle was able to grow a little bit at a time, but was never strong enough to break through the male construct.

Keep in mind that as I'm realizing all this now, I was never aware of being TG growing up - I didn't even know what it meant until recently. You could say that I had "symptoms" of being TG because I cross-dressed from an early age, but those are entirely different things. Being a cross-dresser does not automatically lead to being a transsexual, although most transsexuals engaged in the activity at some time. Cross-dressing is listed in the DSM-IV as a sexual paraphilia, not under gender identity disorders. There are plenty of cross-dressers out there who never transition, never even think of transitioning. They like being males dressed as females and cringe at the idea of SRS.

Up until about three years ago, I thought I was one of those people. I had no intention of becoming a woman - the very idea was about as meaningful to me as the idea of flying to Mars. When I was young, I wished I was a girl, but I also wished I could fly like Superman. To me, these two fantasies had about an equal chance of happening because I knew I was a boy and was never going to change no matter how hard I wished to. And the idea of turning my male body into a female one through HRT and SRS seemed like complete science fiction.

I never seriously thought about the idea of transitioning until three years ago. My childhood fantasy of being a girl involved being magically placed in a real girl's body, not slowly turning my current body into a simulacrum of a girl. But once I discovered that it was possible to do that, I knew that was what I had to do. Perhaps if I had access to information about transitioning when I was in college or high school, it would have triggered my drive to transition then. Unfortunately, I did not have access to real information because no one wants to talk about TG/TS issues in our society, unless it's to make fun of them on shows like Jerry Springer [this is the primary reason for starting this blog, to balance the distorted view of transsexuals caused by past portrayals in the media].

So going back to my psyche - somewhere around early 2002 I started poking around the Internet for TG information. Why did I start doing that? My theory is that by this time, Michelle had grown from being a helpless infant in my mind to being a young girl, questioning, probing and straining against the male construct that she had helped to build for protection but was now imprisoning her. My male identity could sense her now, and there was an urge to protect this growing person inside of me, a child incapable of dealing with the adult world. Coming out online was the safest place where I could nurture this part of me in a support group of people who understand and give unconditional support. Sadly, I can't say I've gotten that from any of my family, much as I wished for it.

When I first came out to my parents, they suggested that I take testosterone in order to make me more masculine. Basically, I interpret that as they wished to administer a lethal injection to Michelle, the girl side of me who only wants to live the life she deserves to live. Michelle is a part of who I am. Getting rid of Michelle would be like giving me a lobotomy - destroying a part of me that's always been there. In the face of such hostility, I need support from anyone I can get. [this is the other reason for this blog].

This letter has been edited for privacy, but the gist of it is the same - I am not changing who I am, I am becoming the person I have always been and was always meant to be.

Eye of the beholder

2007-12-25T20:55:00.000-05:00

The first part of this week I've been in San Antonio with my friend Kyla. Kyla is a T-girl, 24, and transitioned in high school down in Brownsville. Just take a moment to imagine how hard that must have been. If you think Houstonians don't get TG people, you can be sure that people from Brownsville think we are from another planet. I asked Kyla permission to post her picture here, so here's one I snapped of her a few weeks ago:

Most people who meet Kyla in person would never guess she is anything other than a genetic girl. She works as a makeup artist, so she is an expert at makeup and I'm learning a lot from her. In San Antonio, we stayed with Kyla's best friend, who is a stylist at an upscale salon - we stayed with him during the Hurricane Rita evacuation, and he offered to do my hair for my birthday when we came back. So on Tuesday I got some brown highlights that match my natural highlights, and a bit of a trim. The result is subtle and quite natural, which is what I was looking for.

We also went shopping at Sephora so Kyla could help me pick out some new makeup to replace the stuff I've been using, which is mostly still stuff cobbled togther from donations after the fire in April. We started with a moisturizing tint from Smashbox, then spent some time picking out a four-color eye shadow palette from Stila. And I got a beige glitter pencil from Nars.

Presenting a nice appearance is important to me obviously, but it's not my mission in life to be beautiful. I have to accept that there will always be people who "clock" me (recognize I'm TS) no matter what I do. Even Kyla gets clocked on rare occasions. I remember earlier this year when I came out to my parents, my mom said something very hurtful to me at the time - she said that while I was handsome as a male, I would never be attractive as a female. She said it as if that would deter me, as if the realization that I'm ugly to her would override a lifetime of feeling unable to express my inner self. If being beautiful was that much more important to me than being myself, I wouldn't be a transsexual - I'd be a fashion model. I'm glad I'm not that vain and egotistical.

Beautiful day

2007-12-24T23:54:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I went to spend some time in the Museum of Fine Arts Sculpture Garden, just walking around and enjoying the absolutely gorgeous weather today. I also painted my nails, removing that bright fuschia color (which didn't really look right with my short nails) and replaced it with my light, irridescent pink. I took some pictures too.

Health and hormones

2007-12-23T16:07:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty rough night last night health-wise. My allergies are always pretty bad this time of year, and weather changes like we've been having in Houston make them worse until the first real cold front of the season blows through and makes whatever it is I'm allergic to go dormant. Maybe a change of scenery will help that too.

As some people know, I've enjoyed excellent health during my first year on hormones. Even during the fall allergy season last year, my symptoms were not as severe as they have been in years past. In fact, I believe I've only taken a total of maybe four sick days from July 2004 to September 2005, and I only remember one of those times where I really felt sick was when I had a cold. Other times it was headaches or allergies, but not really an illness. During this same period of time my spouse and child were often sick, yet somehow I didn't catch anything. It was almost as if my immune system was stronger then.

But after last night, I'm thinking my period of nearly perfect health is coming to a close. Perhaps my body has adjusted to the hormones and now my body chemistry has normalized to the state of general health I enjoyed before, which was still pretty good. I've always had a fairly robust constitution. It's just that now, biochemically speaking according to blood tests run by my doctor, I am female. My hormone levels have been reassigned to closely match the levels that a genetic female would have, in terms of the ratio of female to male hormones, estrogen to testosterone.

Last night I was suffering from my usual allergy symptoms of sneezing, runny nose and itchy, watery eyes, so I went to bed at 10 p.m., which is quite early for me. I awoke at 2 a.m. having trouble breathing through my nose, and couldn't fall back asleep because of my symptoms. I stayed up and watched some TV before finally biting the bullet and going out to the drug store for a remedy.

One of the major hassles of losing everything in the fire that destroyed my house is not having little things like nasal spray or a full drug cabinet on hand when things like this pop up. So I threw on some clothes and drove to the 24-hour CVS pharmacy to get what I needed. I guess the highlight of the evening for me was being called "ma'am" in the store, even though I had no makeup on, looked terrible with my runny nose and all, and my voice wasn't working its best due to congestion. Passing when you're sick is a little harder than under normal circumstances, so that was a nice feeling for me. So as a little reward, I bought a new lipstick for myself, came home, and finally fell asleep around 4 a.m.

Out of town

2007-12-22T09:53:00.000-05:00

I'm leaving town for a few days to check out my new location. I'll be back on Tuesday. Hope everyone has a nice, relaxing weekend.

The real Monet

2007-12-21T04:37:00.000-05:00

I had a great time in New York and New Jersey over the last few days, and I certainly miss the cooler weather. I visited the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where the original of my favorite Monet painting hangs:

I also explored the Palisades, a nature preserve on the eastern side of New Jersey, bordering the Hudson River, which separates New Jersey from New York. The leaves were starting to turn, so there was some fall foliage to color the breathtaking landscape.

I was grateful for the cooperative weather, because as you can see from the waterfall and probably heard from the news, there had been a lot of rain up there prior to my visit, but miraculously, the sun came out on Saturday just in time for my first day in the city. I take that as good omen for things to come.

Meeting Larry Dierker

2007-12-20T16:29:00.000-05:00

I was in the airport yesterday and I had one of those moments when my old life and my new life get crossed up. I was standing in the security check in area when TV/radio baseball commentator and ex-Astros manager Larry Dierker comes up behind me. For those out-of-towners who don't follow the Astros, Larry was the manager who had a grand mal seizure in the dugout during a game a few years back that made national news. He is also the author of the book, "This Ain't Brain Surgery: How to Win the Pennant Without Losing Your Mind".

But what only a couple people reading this already know is that I was an instrumental part of booking Larry for a speaking engagement on behalf of one of my former clients earlier this year. Larry is giving a leadership speech at an event later this month, and I handled the initial negotiations to book him for the event with his agent.

So when he came up behind me, I extended my hand and said, "You're Larry Dierker - pleased to meet you," and he responded in kind. Then what I wanted to say was, "I worked with your agent to have you speak at [client name]'s event on [date], so I hope it goes well." But given that I'm not that person anymore, I thought better of it and just let it go. I would have loved to see the look on his face though.

Ear piercings

2007-12-19T15:00:00.000-05:00

I forgot to mention that while I was in New Jersey I finally got my ears pierced at a place called Pleasurable Piercings, a world-famous piercing place (whoa, a lot of "P's" in that sentence). And I guess it was about as pleasurable, or at least pleasant, as this sort of thing can be. My tech used a hollow needle and the whole experience was a lot like being in a doctor's office. The last thing I need right now is an infection. I got round CZ studs in yellow gold put in, and I already have a small collection of earrings that I bought in anticipation of wearing.

Some of my friends encouraged me to get my ears pierced even before I went full-time. And the problem with that is that over the last six months especially, once my facial hair was gone, I really looked too feminine to get away with having pierced ears. It would have been different if I were more clearly masculine (which I thank my lucky stars that I'm not) - then having my ears pierced probably wouldn't have made people think twice. But with my naturally soft facial features and growing feminine manner, having pierced ears would have pretty much given the whole show away.

Sometimes I feel like a girl who has been raised by wolves and is only now adjusting to proper society. As a guy, I didn't pay much attention to my looks at all. I kept my face shaved, my hair combed and I never wore jewelry. So I'm finding out that it's hard sleeping on your side with earrings on, so I can't wait for these to heal so I can take them out at night.

I never dressed fully en femme before this year, so learning about clothes and accessories has been a bit of a challenge. Most of my information so far has come from my copy of The Lucky Shopping Manual: Building and Improving Your Wardrobe Piece by Piece, which is probably the best $25 I've ever spent. And shoes will always be a bit of an obstacle, given the dearth of size 12 styles available. When I was at the Met in New York, I flipped through a book on ways to wear scarves, and of course, that is a whole art in and unto itself. The fact that I know how to tie three different knots in a man's tie doesn't really help me much anymore.

All these things are actually pretty superficial when compared to the other things I'm dealing with, but they are important in their own way because as a woman in her late-30s, I'm expected to know how to dress and make myself presentable. All these skills which genetic females are given a lifetime to master, I have to learn in a few short months before I go out and start looking for a job as Michelle. So far, I'm pretty pleased with my progress in passing, but I'm planning more preparation prior to seeking employment (okay, that was just silly, I'll stop now).

Everyone deserves music

2007-12-18T12:14:00.000-05:00

I went to the Barnes & Noble yesterday and picked up a couple CDs that I had in my collection prior to my house burning down. I've only replaced a few from my once-prodigious collection (including Yes' 90125, Cole Porter's soundtrack to the movie De-Lovely and Rimsky-Korsakov's Scheherazade) but I still have a ton of music that was rescued from my destroyed iMac's hard drive (thanks to my tech guy at work). However, much of that music is popular music, and bad pop music at that. These days I find myself missing the subtlety of classical music, something I can't have absent in my life for very long.

So yesterday I bought a double-disc set that included Essential Opera and Essential Opera 2 in a single case, and The Mozart Collection. The opera collection is pretty complete to my taste, with the exception of having only one aria from Verdi's La Traviata, one of my favorites. The second disc, however, has an interesting story on how I discovered it, as it is probably one of the most fascinating Mozart discs on the shelves.

The Mozart disc is an American Gramaphone recording, the label responsible for the popular "Fresh Aire" series by composer Chip Davis leading the group Mannheim Steamroller. I first discovered Fresh Aire when I was a freshman in high school, when I was sitting the back of my drum captain's BMW and he was showing off his car stereo using the first track of Fresh Aire III. Davis is a drummer, so his music naturally features the drums, which appealed to high school percussionists like us. From hearing that first track pounded into my body by this guy's supercharged car stereo, I was hooked.

I eventually collected Fresh Aire I-V, some on CD, some on vinyl, before exploring the rest of AG's catalog. Like the now-defunct Sheffield Lab label and Reference Recordings, and to a lesser extent, Windham Hill, AG at one time specialized in producing high quality analog recordings pressed on 180-gram virgin audiophile vinyl. The music may have been a little snarky at times, but it always sounded great, and the Mozart album is no exception. The liner notes on the CD tell the incredible story about how producer Davis and English composer and conductor John Rutter were planning the recording of Fresh Aire VI in London and had an extra day in the schedule. Only a month away, it seemed an insurmountable challenge to plan a major recording project in such a short time frame, but seredipity prevailed in countless ways to make their impossible dream a reality.

Now, back to the music....

Best face forward

2007-12-17T12:39:00.000-05:00

I have a pretty full day today, a day of firsts for a lot of people. I'm having lunch with two of my ex-coworkers, one of whom will be seeing me for the first time in girl-mode. Then I have an appointment with my endocrinologist, who has also never seen me in girl mode (because I've always made appointments during the workday). Then I'm going to see my attorney, who likewise has never seen me as Michelle.

So naturally, I took a bit of extra care with my makeup this morning. Most days when I don't plan on seeing anyone I know, I don't even wear foundation, or just a light dusting of powder. Today, I used my tinted moisturizer, liquid foundation and powder to even out my skin tone. And although I only have a few hairs left after laser treatment, I still have a bit of shade under my lip where the bulk of my facial hair used to be, so I feel better covering that up. Most people would never notice it though - in fact, a lot of genetic girls have the same problem, so I don't pay it much mind.

I also decided to wear my new glasses, because I think they make my face look more feminine. I think it also helps me to pass for people who knew me in my previous incarnation, because I never wore glasses as a guy. And I'm also wearing my hair up in a clip, which in the past I lacked the confidence to do because long hair is generally a feminine indicator. But fortunately, I've gotten to the point where, if I'm wearing makeup and properly fitting clothes, I like the way I look with my hair up, and it's a whole lot less hassle keeping neat, what with the wind blowing and everything. Also, it helps to keep it out of my mouth while I'm eating.

I'm off now - have a nice weekend everybody!

Lunch picture

2007-12-16T20:52:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to post this photo of me and my friends. These are two of the senior vice presidents of my old firm, and we had a great time at lunch. It was nice getting caught up on what's happening with the firm. This is probably the first photo anyone has seen of me with my new glasses, in case you're wondering what's different:

I was caused quite a stir at the doctor's office, where they were so accomodating by adding my girl name onto my file and making an effort to use the proper pronouns. One of the doctors made a special visit to my exam room just to see me after my doctor told her I finally showed up in girl-mode - I've been coming there for the past six months in boy-mode, although everyone knew I was transitioning. It was a very liberating experience.

I also requested to start using injectible estrogen, 20 mg of delestrogen every two weeks. It's a little more painful, but it should be better for my health and maybe more effective - we'll see. I'll still have to take progesterone and testosterone blockers daily, but I can stop taking the two different estrogens in pill form, so that's fewer pills to tote around.

That's about it for today - again, have a nice weekend everyone!

Day in the park

2007-12-15T23:34:00.000-05:00

I went to Hermann Park today to check out the new reflecting pond and layout - well, it's not that new, but the last time I was at the park, it was still under construction. It would probably be a bit more enjoyable as a park if that diesel-powered mini train didn't come rolling through every few minutes. Anyway, a few pictures from this afternoon:

Breast growth

2007-12-14T02:53:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday I switched from taking estrogens in pill form to estrogen injections. I've felt that for the last few months I haven't been getting much effect from my hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Basically, there are only two ways that HRT can be meaningfully measured when it comes to physical effects in a MTF person - breast growth and reduced body hair. As I mentioned in a previous post, my blood tests have consistently measured in the normal female range for hormone ratios. But I have noticed that my breasts have pretty much stopped growing for the last few months.

This may be due to my age. People who transition MTF after their mid-20s experience a pretty steep drop-off in terms of how greatly hormones will affect them. However, after that drop-off from the 20s to the 30s, the drop-off in effects into the later years is not nearly so steep. And everyone's reaction to cross-hormone treatment is different, so as the saying goes, your mileage may vary.

When I first started experimenting with herbals, I actually got the most pronounced effects in terms of breast growth, which is surprising because herbals drugs are not as strong as the prescription drugs I'm taking now. However, I think the body tends to react quickly at first, and taper off as things reach equilibrium. I wish I had not stopped HRT for a time when I was losing weight back in early 2004 - I think I would have gotten better results if I had continued on it without a break.

As genetic girls might remember from their adolescent days, breast growth starts with the formation of hard, tender lumps behind the nipples as milk ducts start to form. The lumps gradually start expanding into what feels like donut shapes, which eventually round out into the overall shape of the breast, losing its tenderness and becoming fatty tissue. There is a scale called the Tanner Stages (warning: this link may be offensive) that measure human female breast growth, and I feel like I'm at Stage III now, although I'm barely an A-cup. I no longer have the growing pains and tenderness I had when I first started. I might never get any additional growth, but implants can take care of the shortfall, of course.

In transsexuals just as in teenage girls, breast growth happens over a period of 2-5 years. Since I've only been on HRT for 16 months, I figure it's a little too soon to give up on more natural growth - hence, the change to injectible estrogen. Injection has the advantage of bypassing the liver and going directly to the bloodstream, which may make the estrogen more effective. So I'm going to try the injections for a couple months and see if I get any results. The other upside is that I only need to inject once every two weeks, so it's fewer pills to take, although I still have to take my testosterone-blockers and progesterone a couple times a day. But anything I can do to make things easier on my liver is probably worthwhile.

Lunch date

2007-12-13T19:47:00.000-05:00

I had a nice lunch with a lady who used to work at my firm as a senior vice president and started her own firm several years ago. We've kept in touch periodically, and we got along very well when we worked together. We both have an interest in the energy field, and she's always been a role model for me professionally, and now personally, since we are both non-traditional females in our own ways.

She also gave me a pendant she found at an art show - it's a small rectangular frame with a lovely miniature painting on one side, and a quote on the other side:

"An authentic life is the most personal form of worship" - Sarah Ban Breathnach

I have a new date for my surgery - December 1. Hopefully everything is going to work out this time. I decided not to do the neck surgery, but I'm still doing the nose, breasts and liposuction on the waistline. The neck surgery would have been a nice addition, but I couldn't justify spending the money for such a small change, in the whole scheme of things. Having a little fat under my chin doesn't really bother me all that much.

Plus, it wouldn't really have made me more feminine, just appear younger, and I look young enough. And I was afraid that having the fat taken out of my neck under my chin would make my Adam's apple more prominent, which would certainly defeat the purpose and require an additional procedure called a trachea shave. Best to stay focused on why I'm getting this done in the first place.

Wall of Water

2007-12-12T21:17:00.000-05:00

There is a skyscraper near my apartment called the Williams Tower - you can see it from my apartment parking lot. But since it's more than 70 stories high, you can pretty much see it for miles. At the time it was built (it was called the Transco Tower back then) it was the tallest building in the world that wasn't located in a central business district (it's in the Galleria area, which is about five miles outside of downtown Houston). The building is about as tall as a oil supertanker is long.

Anyway, years ago, we used to go to the observation deck on the 51st floor, where you could see for miles towards the west. After 9/11, I tried to go up there once, and was told that the observation floor was permanently closed due to security concerns.

So today, just to test that theory, I snuck past the security desk and took the express elevator to the 51st floor. Sure enough, they have turned the space that was the observation area into the building's leasing office. I did snap this picture out the window though - the main street you see down there is Westheimer Road:

Afterwards, I went to the roof of the parking garage and snapped this photo of the recreation area adjacent to the tower, commonly known in Houston as the Wall of Water. This three-acre site is open to the public, and once I started a little improptu cricket game here with some Indian fellows. Today, as the weather was humid and overcast, I just sat on a bench for a while and read my book.

I went back into the Galleria via the skywalk tunnel that connects it to the tower, and watched workers assemble the Christmas tree in the ice skating rink - I guess it's that time of year, despite the sticky weather outside.

I can't wait to move to a colder climate - it shouldn't be in the 70s in November!

A night at the opera

2007-12-11T03:57:00.000-05:00

As everyone knows, I'm a fan of classical music, and I've been thinking a lot about it of late ("Everyone deserves music" - Oct. 23, 2005). Kyla and I were talking about the opera recently, so I went to the Houston Grand Opera site and found that The Marriage of Figaro is playing, so I bought a ticket for last night's performance.

On my way downtown I stopped at a point along the Sandy Reed Memorial Trail that runs along Buffalo Bayou and snapped this photo of the downtown skyline as the sun was going down.

I arrived early at the Wortham Center to pick up my ticket at the will call booth and walked for a bit down on the hike and bike trails down by Buffalo Bayou behind the opera house. They have fountains and architectural structures built down there to try and make you forget how ugly the bayou looks and smells.

Since I still had about two hours before curtain, I walked three blocks over to the J.P. Morgan Chase tower and rode the elevator up to the 60th floor Sky Lobby, where you can see a breathtaking view of downtown and look west toward the Galleria. I've visited this place several times, but never this late in the day, and got to watch a lovely sunset from a vantage point that most people never get to see. As darkness fell over the city, I watched the lights appear for miles around, lighting up the earth like the stars in the heavens.

I walked back to the Wortham and attended a pre-show lecture on the opera, which was very informative and gave us lots of interesting background on the history of what many people consider to be one of the greatest operas ever written. One thing I didn't know was that it was Josef Haydn who championed Mozart's opera in Prague after it had failed in Vienna, being performed only nine times. Without Haydn's intemperate endorsement, it is quite likely that The Marriage of Figaro would have been lost in the pages of musical history.

For those of you who may not be familiar with this opera, you have undoubtedly heard some of the arias or the famous overture without realizing it. The overture was played at the beginning of the movie Trading Places, and also by Gene Wilder's character in the original version of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, who used it as the musical password to the chocolate room (not Rachmaninoff, as Mike Teevee's mom mistakenly thought). More recently, one of the duets from the opera was the piece played on the phonograph and broadcast over the prison loudspeakers in the movie The Shawshank Redemption.

I was discussing opera with a dear friend recently and we observed that The Marriage of Figaro is one of the few great operas that actually has a happy ending - no one dies, and everyone is happy and in love at the end. That, plus some of the most beautiful music ever written, should be enough for even the most opera-phobic person to give this Mozart masterpiece a try.

Thinking of SRS

2007-12-10T01:04:00.000-05:00

Every day I start up my car, and a red light comes on the dash that tells me that my airbags, or supplemental restraint system (SRS) is working. And everytime I see those red letters SRS light up, I think about the possibility of undergoing sex reassignment surgery (SRS) someday.

For some trans-folks, SRS is something they have wanted all their lives. I know some t-girls who absolutely hated having a penis, and couldn't wait to get it taken off. For me, I can pretty much take it or leave it. I don't hate the thing itself, but I do want to be rid of it eventually because I want my body to be as close to a normal girl's as possible. I'm fairly pragmatic about the fact that I have the "wrong" parts right now - it's something I'll deal with when the time is right.

People sometimes ask me if I like guys now, or if I ever did. The answer right now is that I'm not sure. I'm still attracted to girls, and I find that I'm starting to notice guys as well, maybe just because I can. Part of it is that noticing what's attractive about males makes me feel more feminine, and I recognize that I feel a need to be perceived as "normal." But the bottom line is that I'm far from what society judges to be normal, so there's not much point in living up to anyone's expectations at this point, save my own.

A big part of my transition has been reinventing myself, retaining what I liked about myself before and giving myself the opportunity to explore and become who I felt I needed to be. It's only after you defy all of society's rules that you realize how much those rules have shaped your life. Breaking free from all conventions gives me the freedom to explore and pursue my true identity, whether it's male, female, trans, straight, gay, bi or pan-sexual.

But one thing I've learned is that the most important thing about a person is who they are inside, not what they look like on the outside. Everyone wears masks at one time or another, sometimes purposely to deceive, sometimes because they are not ready yet to change into their true selves. Being able to take of my mask and show the world my true self has been the most challenging and the most rewarding thing I've ever done. And no matter how else things turn out in my life, at least I have given myself the opportunity to be happy.

Transformation of Zoe

2007-12-09T04:46:00.000-05:00

So there's this girl I know. Her name is Zoe and she's 22 years old. I met her several months ago at one of my TG groups. Her boy name is Sean, and she even dresses like my friend Sean from Pennsylvania - black rock band t-shirts, black pants and sneakers. Except that my Sean is FTM transsexual and Zoe is MTF, but is still early on in the transition department. Zoe has been on a low dose of estrogen, started growing her hair out long and completed two laser sessions on her face, and is fortunate to be very thin and relatively short (5' 9"). Although she looks very much like a boy right now, she's not going to have any trouble passing eventually, if she gets certain things done and gives the hormones a chance to work.

A few weeks back Kyla and I went to a meeting and Kyla met Zoe for the first time and became fast friends. Although Kyla is only three years older, she is obviously a lot further down the transition road than Zoe. As both Kyla and I share an interest in helping young TG people, we decided we were going to take Zoe under our wings for a night and give her a makeover.

Since Kyla is the expert in makeup and clothing styles for younger people, I put a challenge forth to her: I would give her $50 to spend on clothing and makeup and we would see what she could accomplish with Zoe. One of Kyla's aspirations is to be a personal style consultant, so I figured this would be an appropriate challenge for her, since many young TG people don't have a lot of money to spend when they are first starting out.

We started out at Dots, a discount fashion boutique, but didn't find anything there so we walked next door to Ross, a designer label discount chain. Kyla picked out a pretty black tunic top with a scalloped lace hem, a turquoise zip-front cardigan sweater, and brown corduroy pants.

Cardigan......$11.99
Pants..........$11.99
Tunic..........$9.99
Tax............$2.80

Total..........$36.77

We also bought Zoe her first bra, although she does not quite need one yet. Since the bra was not going to be visible, we didn't count that cost toward the budget. Kyla tried to take Zoe into the women's fitting room to try on the bras, but the attendant wouldn't let Zoe in. So they tried on three bras in the men's fitting room, and picked one, leaving the other two bras in the fitting room - sort of our TG calling card.

Then we went to Wal-Mart for the makeup. We found a palette of eyeshadow, lip gloss and blush colors in the stocking stuffer aisle that gave Zoe a large number of shades to play with. Kyla picked out her proper liquid foundation, some finishing pressed powder, eyeliner, lip gloss and mascara to complete the shopping trip.

Foundation.............$2.47
Powder.................$2.24
Lip Gloss...............$1.67
Mascara.................$2.47
Eyeshadow.............$2.88
Eyeliner pencil.........$1.67
Tax......................$1.11

Total....................$14.51
Clothes.................$36.77

Grand Total............$51.28

We came back to my apartment to do the makeover. While I made dinner, Kyla took Zoe in the bathroom and did her hair and makeup. Here are the before and after photos.

I remember not all that long ago that I was in Zoe's shoes, not knowing anything about makeup or clothes, afraid to make a mistake or even try things outside my comfort zone. I had a lot of support from my online friends early on, giving me encouragement and boosting my confidence to get me where I am today.

It was wonderful seeing Zoe's face light up and get a glimpse of how beautiful she will be someday. It was also a nice feeling helping a young T-girl feel hopeful about going through transition. And I think that making this quantum leap forward today in becoming a girl will show her that this is really possible, and that with practice and perseverance, she can live her life how she chooses, on her own terms, and feel reasonably sure that people will accept her. And I told her tonight that it's up to her to build on this, to practice what she's been taught, and to carry her progress forward.

Defining success

2007-12-08T18:53:00.000-05:00

In the world of public relations, measurement is one of our constant challenges. How do you define success for a PR campaign? The short answer is that if the client is happy, you're successful. But increasingly sophisticated and demanding clients often have to go one step further and define exactly how happy they should be with your work.

For some clients, success means having a story on the front page of the New York Times or USA Today. For others, it could be achieving a 5% increase in monthly inbound sales calls. Still others might consider simply getting out of a sticky situation with their corporate reputation intact to be a success.

Defining success in a gender transition can be equally complicated. Again, the short answer for some people is that you successfully transition if you jump through all the hoops laid out by the medical community and undergo sex reassignment surgery (SRS). But for some people, SRS is not even a goal, so they might define success as being able to simply live independently in their chosen gender expression. At this point, my definition of long-term success for myself is to be living and working as a post-operative trans-female in the next five years, but of course I might re-evaluate that goal after a while.

But even measuring progress in the near-term is a bit tricky. I'm talking about passing, the ability to appear as a member of the opposite sex to the casual observer. This is a surprisingly difficult thing to measure since - like PR - it's highly subjective, and a somewhat intimate topic of conversation for most people. And the problem is that it's difficult to get a truly honest, unbiased answer from anyone in real life.

In the broadest possible terms, I have two kinds of friends and acquaintances - those who knew me as male and now have seen me as female, and those who have only ever knew me as a female. Those in the first group, which includes a small group of former co-workers and clients, family members and close friends, generally say positive things about my appearance, but sometimes slip with pronouns and my name, simply because it's hard to mentally process a change in identity. To the second group, which includes Kyla, Zoe and most of my Internet friends (some of whom I've met in real life), I am unequivocably female. I remember a few months ago I met Kyla for lunch in boy mode, she commented that I looked like a girl who was crossdressing as male. Another friend who saw me in boy-mode through my Web cam commented that I was the most feminine "boy" she'd ever seen in her life.

So the problem is this - people in the first group have a bias against me toward being male, because they are used to seeing me as male, and tend to focus on male features that they are familiar with. People in the second group are biased toward me in the opposite direction - they know I'm female, and tend to see my female qualities. They are also more open-minded to the whole mind/body dichotomy experience of being trans, since most of them are going through it themselves, and tend to be more understanding of it than the average person.

So that leaves the reaction of strangers as my main source of measurement for success. If I walk into a gender-neutral store (i.e. a Hallmark gift shop, not an Ann Taylor boutique) and the clerk greets me with "may I help you ma'am?" that is a successful pass. But even on those occasions (which is about 95% of the time now) I still can't be positive what the person is really thinking. He or she might know that I'm presenting as female, but realize that I'm biologically male and just being polite. After all, sales clerks are paid to be polite to customers, and are motivated to address us how we clearly want to be addressed.

Unbiased measurement of my voice is much easier - when I go through a drive-through to order fast food, the attendant can't see me and makes a judgement of my gender based solely on my voice. If I hear, "your total is $5.50, please drive up ma'am" that's a pass. Same goes for the phone, if I'm calling someone who doesn't know me (I disabled my Caller ID name for that reason).

Although I normally don't just walk up to someone in public and strike up a conversation, sometimes it happens on its own, and those are probably the most gratifying moments in terms of knowing that I successfully pass. I remember once about a month ago shopping in Target for a scarf and a woman struck up a conversation with me about how women were wearing scarves these days. Clearly, she would not be having that conversation with someone she thought was a male.

Another successful test came two days ago when I ordered lunch for pick-up at my favorite Chinese restaurant. I've been coming to this particular restaurant for more than 15 years, and it has remained under the same ownership for all that time, quite a feat for a restaurant in the competitive Houston landscape. In fact, at a previous job, I used to take orders for the entire office every Thursday and go pick up food for people in the office, sometimes as many as 18 orders each week. The take-out captain, a young Chinese man about my age named Tony, knew me by name and by voice, and always treated me very well, considering how much business I was responsible for bringing in.

Over the last several years, I stopped doing the mass office lunch orders, but I would occasionally drop in and order or myself. Up until Tuesday, I hadn't been to the restaurant in several months, although the last time was on my way back to the office from a client meeting - I was in boy-mode and my hair was in a short pony-tail. That time, Tony had a hard time recognizing me. He initially said I looked familiar - did I have a brother? It was only after I gave him my credit card and he remembered my name that he recognized me. But Tuesday, I called in my order in my girl-voice, and Tony addressed me as ma'am, and then when I showed up and paid cash, he showed no sign of recognition. To me, that is a particularly rigorous test - to pass as female in front of someone who actually knew me as male and not even be recognized. And frankly, if you look at my physical transformation over the last two years, anyone who hasn't seen me in more than two years would have a hard time recognizing me. Ordinary adults simply don't change this much in such a short period of time.

I don't say all this because I'm obsessed with passing. Passing is just icing on the cake, a handy talent that makes life a lot easier for a transitioning individual. To be able to go out in public, shop for clothes, use the women's dressing rooms and bathrooms and not cause a fuss is a luxury, but it's not what makes us female. It's how you think and feel that really matters, not how you look. Ultimately, it's the changes inside I've wrought that are infinitely more important than the ones everyone sees on the outside. But you know, a little vanity now and then is a good thing.

One thousand visitors - wow...

2007-12-07T00:41:00.000-05:00

Fifty-one days ago, I started this blog to keep people informed on my life and to help shine some light on the transgender experience. Yesterday I looked at my counter and I noticed that I've surpassed 1,000 unique visitors to this site since it went live on Sept. 29, 2005.

What is really astonishing is that readers have visited me from all over the world, from every continent except Antarctica. People have logged on from Canada, the UK, South Africa, Germany, Spain, Denmark, Poland, Sweden, France, Iceland, Brazil, Kuwait, New Zealand, and the Seychelles (only one person that could be, right Nick?) Most of the people outside the U.S. most likely found me from the Transgender Boards, where I posted my site address once. I've also noticed that I'm one of only three TG blogs from Texas at an aggregation site called Transgender-blogs.com. I swear, there's a Web site for everything!

Some people also find me through links on the sites of some of my online friends, most of whom have been blogging a lot longer than I have. And of course, a lot of visitors are friends who knew me by my previous identity whom I told about this site by email.

It's a good time to say that since the holidays are coming up, I will probably be posting here a lot less than usual, not to mention that I'm undergoing cosmetic surgery in the next few weeks. I will try to post a few short updates just to let everyone know how I'm doing, but don't expect the lengthy, picture-laden posts you've become accustomed to seeing.

Whoever you are, thank you for taking the time to read a little about my life.

A day to remember

2007-12-06T13:26:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow, November 20, is the 7th Annual Transgender Day of Rememberance, when we remember those among us who have paid the ultimate price for the simple privilege that most people take for granted - being yourself.

There are several sites to visit that commemorate this day - here is what I wrote in the guestbook on our local Houston site:

I have only been openly transgendered since this October, so I am relatively new to this cause. I can say that I have met some incredibly dedicated and amazing people who tirelessly campaign on behalf of the transgender population, and I thank them from the bottom of my heart.

The world today makes it difficult, sometimes dangerous, to simply be who we are. Being transgendered in the 2000s is like being gay in the 1950s, except being TG affects every relationship you have, not just the intimate ones. Unfortunately, like the homosexual population, we will have to buy the right to exist with the blood of our own, and so much has been paid already.

But I am hopeful that future generations will be able to live in a world where all people have the freedom to express whatever gender identity that makes them comfortable. That dream is worth the sacrifice.

- Michelle

Out for Thanksgiving

2007-12-05T22:59:00.000-05:00

I will be taking the next week off for Thanksgiving holiday, as I have much to be thankful for this year. I hope everyone has a joyful and peaceful Thanksgiving!

Successful surgery

2007-12-04T13:22:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone, I made it through my surgery okay. It was pretty rough though. Right now I'm in quite a bit of pain, but it's manageable. I'm glad I didn't have the chin liposuction, because I'm just hurting all over at this point and I don't know if I could handle more pain than this.

I have a splint on my nose and I'm wearing a sports bra and a full body compression suit to keep all my bandages in place. It's not a pretty sight. But when I take off everything to shower, it's quite a thrill having boobs. Just going to take a while to get used to them.

All in all, the surgery went pretty well - everyone said I did great. Okay, I'm going to go relax now. I'll update in a few days when I'm feeling better.

Seeing results

2007-12-03T02:16:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty big day for me. This morning I got the splint and stitches taken out of my nose, so I could finally see the preliminary results. At first I wasn't all that impressed, probably because the nose is still a bit swollen and there were all kinds of bruises and scars all over it. But this evening I looked at it again, and I'm starting to really like it. My new nose is narrower, with a pleasing slope on the bridge replacing the bit of hump I used to have, and the tip is a little more well-formed. Once all the scars heal and the swelling disappears, I'm sure it's going to turn out great.

For people who have seen me before, the difference is subtle to be sure, but the important thing is that I like it, and I'm happier with what I see in the mirror. My nose might not be as obvious as my chest, but to me, its as much a symbolic as an aesthetic change that helps my self-esteem and confidence a little everyday.

I also got the stitches taken out from under my breasts this morning, and all my wounds are closing up nicely. Now I have to start doing breast exercises twice a day, moving the implant around in the pocket to loosen things up and make the implant drop down to where it's supposed to be. It feels really weird to have things moving around inside you, but at least it's not painful.

What is painful is continuing to wear this full-body binder around my torso and upper thighs. This afternoon I went out to the mall to shop for new bras and I was barely an hour into it when I started getting lightheaded and dizzy from the binder. Guess I now understand why women fainted all the time back when everyone wore corsets. I managed to get a couple bras, one from Sears and one from Target - nothing fancy, since I expect my shape to change a bit over the coming weeks.

Italian job

2007-09-09T22:34:00.000-04:00

I was watching the movie GoodFellas, and there's this scene where the main characters are making an Italian dinner while in prison. They bribe the guards to get fresh ingredients and private accommodations, and there's this wonderful scene where one of the bosses, Paulie (played by Paul Sorvino) is making spaghetti sauce. He starts with fresh garlic, slices it thin as paper with a razor blade, and liquifies it in hot oil. It kind of got me in the mood to cook some Italian food, so I went out to the grocery store to get some ingredients and make spaghetti.

Now, I'm not a cook by any stretch of the imagination, so spaghetti is just about the most challenging thing I can make. My sauce isn't very sophisticated - it's more of a homestyle recipe, the kind of thing you end up with when you throw all your leftover ingredients together. Here's what's in my sauce:

1/2 pound of ground beef
4 roma tomatoes, diced
1 red onion, diced
2 tablespoons minced garlic
4 large mushrooms, sliced
2 large jars of spaghetti sauce
1 tablespoon of salt
1 tablespoon of black pepper
1 tablespoon of cayenne pepper
1/4 cup of dried oregano

I start by browning the beef and setting that aside. Then I sweat the onions and garlic a little, then add the other vegetables and let that stew for about 10 minutes until they start turning soft. Then I add the sauce, the meat and spices and stew for about 20-25 minutes. As you might expect, I'll be eating this for a while, since I made so much of it and there's just me here.

The boobs, the waist and the wardrobe

2007-09-08T23:51:00.000-04:00

I expect that a lot of women who get breast implants go for a period of time where they feel like their breasts are not really part of them. Obviously they feel different from natural breasts and there's swelling and numbness for several days after surgery. Finally the numbness is going away for me, and I'm starting to feel a bit more comfortable with my new shape.

I was going through my closet today and trying on some of my "problematic" tops - those that were form-fitting when I was small-chested, and those that really need boobs to fill them out. I'm still expecting my breast shape to change a little bit over the next several weeks, but size-wise, they are pretty much going to stay how they are. And that means that some of my shirts don't fit anymore and others fit much better. Good thing a lot of my wardrobe is stretchy stuff, like my summer tank tops. And many of my fitted tops that I didn't think would fit actually do, because they are cut to accomodate breasts, but I never really noticed that since my chest was so flat.

I haven't tried on pants and skirts yet, because I am seeing changes in my midsection from wearing my binder. As the swelling from liposuction subsides, a female outline is starting to take shape in the form of a definable waist. I still have about two and a half weeks of wearing this binder, so it will be interesting to see what size I end up at after everything settles in. If I go down a full size, that will be kind of a shame, because I have so many nice skirts in my old size, many of which I haven't even had a chance to wear.

Although I enjoy shopping as much as the next girl, it's different shopping for a couple items versus shopping for an entire wardrobe. There's just something overwhelming about the idea of building an entire wardrobe in a short period of time - like, it would be hard even if someone gave me all the money to do it. Anyone who watches shows like What Not To Wear knows what I'm talking about. At least I should be able to take advantage of some of the after-Christmas sales to pick up stuff at discounted prices.

Out and about

2007-09-07T23:03:00.000-04:00

It was a pretty interesting day today, exactly two weeks since my surgery, and coincidentally, my one year, five month anniversary of starting hormone therapy (July 15, 2004). And it's a full moon tonight - wacky.

I started this afternoon taking my friend Kyla to see some apartments. She wants to move out of the apartment she's sharing with two of her friends into her own place. She's looking at a place right next to the Galleria that is owned by the same company that owns my apartment, so if she gets it, I get a referral fee. We looked at the place and took an application, but the one she wants isn't available yet. She might get on the waiting list tomorrow.

Then we went to Loehmann's and Target for me to return some stuff I'd bought, and while we were at Target I ran into one of my former co-workers previously mentioned ("Lunch picture" - Oct. 28, 2005). She was shopping for her secret Santa present, a time-honored tradition at my former place of employment. Tonight she was going to the Christmas party thrown by one of my former clients, one of the world's largest oil companies. I remember going to this party last year, and it is always quite the extravaganza - lavish decorations, costumed entertainers, a live band, sumptuous buffet tables everywhere, complimentary palm readers and tarot card readers - you get the idea.

I remember attending this party last year, when I was just starting my transition. I'd been on HRT for only five months, and I hadn't done anything with makeup or my voice, and I was just starting to build my wardrobe. My hair was not even long enough to tie into a ponytail, and my appearance was much different than it is now. And I just remember walking around the room among what I'm sure were some of the wealthiest and most powerful people in the oil industry, and feeling so out of place. I felt my "different-ness" so palpably that night that I remember like it was yesterday. I remember feeling like I had this secret identity, and it comforted me like a warm cloak on a cold winter's night.

Later in the evening, Kyla and I went to a weekly gathering of trans-people organized by the Houston Transgender Life Connection (HTLC). Kyla had invited a friend she met at work, and it was nice seeing Zoe and all my friends again after a two-week absence. Of course I got a lot of compliments and questions about my cosmetic surgery. I wore my new embroidered top, which is very low-cut (I wore a white camisole underneath for a little extra coverage) and one girl told me how natural my breasts look. I guess all those breast exercises I've been doing are paying off.

The thing about me now is that my new body does help me pass, of course, but I didn't have too much trouble passing before surgery. But it's not enough for me just to pass - I also want to look good. Paradoxically, I'm not particularly interested in attracting a date right now. In fact, one thing I'm unsure about is my ability to fend off advances from men, having never been in such a position before. But for now, I'm just enjoying appearing on the outside like the woman I feel like on the inside.

Gender quiz

2007-09-06T14:45:00.000-04:00

Found this off a friend's site ... no surprises here. As Hannibal Lecter might say, for a psychological profiling tool, a very dull instrument indeed.

You Are 20% Boyish and 80% Girlish

Even if you're not a girl, you're very feminine.
You're in touch with your feelings, and your heart rules you.
A bit of a emotional roller coaster, one moment you're up and the next you're down.
But no matter what, you try to be as cute and perky as possible.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Surgery follow-up

2007-09-05T23:42:00.000-04:00

I got everything checked out with Dr. Yarish today, and everything seems to be doing well. I had a few remnants of stitches taken out from under my breasts, and I got some silicone tape to use on the scars in a couple weeks once they are completely healed. The only minor complication is that I'm having some kind of allergic reaction to the adhesive tape they used during surgery on my chest - I've been breaking out in a rash and itching like crazy, usually at some inconvenient time like 7:30 in the morning while I'm still asleep. So I got some anti-inflammatory medication and some prescription-strength hydrocortizone cream to use.

I've also noticed that my skin is especially dry right now, and learned it's probably a side effect from the anesthesia, coupled with the dryness from running the heater without a humidifier. Also, I have to wear the binder full-time for another week, since I still have some swelling around the abdominal area. But at least now I can sleep without having to wear an underwire bra, which is a minor relief.

Overall, I'm really happy with the aesthetic results of my nose, chest and waist. I think the whole process has been relatively easy, at least compared to what I thought it might be. My biggest concern was my reaction to the anesthesia, but other than waking up three hours later than planned, even that went smoothly. But after all, cosmetic surgery only involves working just below the skin. It's not the same as opening up the body and working with actual organs (like SRS, for example). I guess I should look at this surgery as a warm-up to eventual SRS someday.

Merry Christmas!

2007-09-04T14:31:00.000-04:00

It's Christmas Eve, and I have a most unexpected visit planned with my parents and brother in a few hours. I say unexpected because ever since I came out to them earlier this year in February, they have not been handling my transition very well. Their reaction after I first told them I am transgendered was fairly positive - they said they would always love me, and they said they understood why I needed to do this.

But subsequently, nearly all of our communications have been in the form of increasingly nasty letters and emails, first them trying to find a "cure" for me, and later urging me to reconsider using threats of divine retribution. After a few months of writing lengthy letters trying to make them understand what I'm going through and getting nowhere, I cut off communications with my parents. It was just getting too painful for me to continue hearing all the negativity from them. My brother, who has never been very close to me in our adult lives, wrote me one letter expressing his disapproval, on the grounds that he thought I was being influenced by the pro-GLBT lobby (everything is a political conspiracy to him). So he has been mostly absent from the whole situation (he lives in Dallas and rarely visits Houston).

Ever since this past May, my parents and I have been at an impasse - they have steadfastly refused to acknowledge me as Michelle, and say they will not call me by any other name than the one they gave me, no matter what I look like or what my wishes are. And I have refused to be in their presence any longer than absolutely necessary just for that reason. Last Fourth of July (Independence Day in the U.S., for the benefit of my international readers) my brother came home for a visit, and they invited me to come for dinner, on the condition that I dress in boy-mode and tolerate their refusal to acknowledge my transition. Of course, I stayed home.

Since then, I have seen my parents exactly two other times, both in girl-mode, both visits lasted less than 30 minutes. But of course, now my appearance is much more feminine after surgery, and further refinement of my presentation skills (hair, makeup, dress, etc.) My brother has never seen me in girl-mode at all - the last time we saw each other, I wasn't out to my family yet. He's going to be in for the biggest shock.

So after I didn't hear anything from them over Thanksgiving, I figured Christmas would be the same. But finally, there's been a breakthrough, as my mom wrote an email inviting me to dinner tonight, and saying I could come as I am, and whether I wanted to be called by my old name or new name, either was fine with them. She did say that they would feel closer to me as a boy, and feel as strangers toward Michelle (even though they are the same person - go figure). I suppose that's her way of trying to get me to choose to come visit in boy-mode. But I don't think she understands that I have been living full-time as a girl since the first of October, and I'm through with pretending to be a guy.

Since I'm not expecting open arms and full understanding, given that we haven't talked to each other for any significant length of time since May, I decided it would be best not to stay for dinner, but just to visit briefly before leaving to have dinner with my friends, which I had already committed to. So I'm going to go over early in the afternoon, drop off some presents, let them see me in girl-mode, answer a few questions and leave. Perhaps we will be comfortable enough at that point to schedule another dinner at a later date over the holidays, but best to take things slowly at this point.

I wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and a peaceful, happy New Year!

So far, so good

2007-09-03T05:38:00.000-04:00

Christmas Eve with my family actually turned out much better than I was expecting. I arrived at the family homestead at 5:30 p.m. and I left a little after 6 p.m. to have dinner with my friends.

I wore a black spaghetti strap tank top under a long sleeved red lace shirt, a black pencil skirt that falls just above the knee, hose and black heels. I wore a gold necklace with multicolor stones and my gold chandelier earrings with green stones for the first time, and boy, it was a struggle to put them in. That's something I really need to practice if I don't want to just wear one set of earrings for the rest of my life.

So when my dad opened the door, he immediately said I looked so nice and dressy. The last two times my parents saw me in girl mode, I was wearing a plain shirt, jeans and running shoes. When he noticed that I was wearing heels, he commented on how tall I was in heels (which I am). I gave them their presents (surplus boy clothes for my dad and my brother, and a scarf for mom) and we sat down to talk.

Surprisingly, there was almost no talk at all about my transition. And even more surprising was the reaction of my brother. He made a concerted effort to use the right pronouns and referred to me as Michelle. My dad slipped pronouns once or twice and I gently corrected him, but even he was making an effort. We talked about family stuff and they asked me about my job search. There was no reproachment or negativity in terms of being opposed to my transition. I would have never expected such a dramatic turnaround from their attitude since the last time we talked. I'm not sure if there's something behind all this, but it certainly is welcome to finally gain acceptance as a woman from them.

As I got ready to leave, we set a dinner date for Monday night, and this time we are going to go out to a restaurant. This is significant because this evening's dinner invitation was expressly for dinner at home, just with family. I think that before I walked into the house this evening, they didn't think I was very passable and were ashamed to be seen with me in public. But hearing and seeing me now, post-surgery and dressed up, I think they have quickly realized that I don't have any trouble passing as female - hence the invitation to eat out on Monday.

The only other thing my parents had to comment on was that my skirt was too short. Of course, to me, a pencil skirt is supposed to fall just above the knee. They said it drew attention to my height. While you might think that this was rather negative, I actually look at it as a positive that they are giving me advice on presenting as female, even if their sensibilities are outdated. I'd much rather them comment on how I wear a skirt than why I'm wearing a skirt.

So the initial meeting was quite a success. Maybe it was the spirit of the holidays at work, or maybe my cosmetic surgery and overall presentation have finally convinced them that there is no turning back and that it is possible for me to successfully live as a woman. We shall see how a full-blown dinner in full public view goes on Monday.

Family time

2007-09-02T00:51:00.000-04:00

I just got back from a night out to dinner with my family - we wanted to go to a Cajun restaurant, but the line was too long so we ended up going to La Madeleine, a French cafeteria. Afterwards, we came to their house and watched a movie.

I guess if I were to use an international political science metaphor, I would say that relations between us have normalized. They are treating me pretty much the same as they always treated me as a guy. They are trying to use proper pronouns, but there were a lot more slips tonight than Saturday night. And there's really no discussion of how I'm doing, transition or otherwise. It's almost as if this past year never happened at all for them.

So I think that will be the end of my family obligations for a while, which suits me just fine. Post transition, my relationships with some people improved; with others they deteriorated. But with my parents and brother, it appears now to have remained unchanged. But while the relationship I had with my parents was fine for me back when I was a guy, it's not enough for me now. Part of the reason I transitioned was because I was dissatisfied with the superficial relationships I had with everyone in my life. And for me, life is too short to spend time with people who simply tolerate me. I'd much rather spend time with people who really love and care about me.

Post Christmas shopping

2007-09-01T14:19:00.000-04:00

I had a busy day shopping yesterday, taking advantage of the sales and coupons that started yesterday. First I went to Half Price Books and bought some cheap CDs and a DVD, The Wings of the Dove. Everything in the store was an additional 20 percent off, so I was over the moon to find this Montserrat Caballe disc that is out of print, one of my all-time favorite opera discs. I've been looking for this title in book and record stores ever since the fire. And I was lucky enough to get it for $5.50, as opposed to the $30 starting price on Amazon :)

I went down the road to Ross to return one of the shrugs I bought last week, and I found a nicer one made of brown crushed velvet with sequins. I also bought my first sports bra, a red Champion bra just like the ones I used to have (except now I actually need it for support). I also got two long-sleeve knit shirts to layer, one a lilac Nike Dri-Weave, the other one a plum-colored ribbed shirt with scalloped hems and snap-front half-placket by Lucky Jeans.

Then I went next door to Loehmann's, where they were discounting all clearance items 30 percent off, and I had a coupon for an additional 10 percent off one item. So I found a nice three-piece suit by Tarahi - a fiery red jacket with flower-shaped black buttons, a black side-zip tank top and a black pleated-front skirt. I hate to stereotype, but there's something about red and black that is distinctly Asian in nature. Just look at any Chinese restaurant and you will likely find something in it that is red and black. Final price on the suit was about $50, down from the original Loehmann's price of $140 and MSRP of $250. I also got a long-sleeve black button down shirt, which should be a very versatile piece for my wardrobe.

I stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things, mostly my supply of distilled water. I'm also going to try and make a poor girl's version of Tom Yum soup, a hot and sour Thai soup. For the quick and easy version, take a package of chicken or shrimp flavored ramen, poach an egg or add some sliced mushrooms, peeled shrimp or sliced white chicken meat in with the noodles to boil. Add lime juice, Thai fish sauce and Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce to taste. Top with chopped green onions or cilantro. Should be pretty yummy.

I also use a lot of the same ingredients for tuna fish sandwiches. I take two cans of tuna in water, drained and combine with mayonnaise (I used lime flavored mayo I get at my local grocery store), some lime juice, prepared horseradish, chopped green onion, cayenne pepper and black pepper. I serve this between toasted sourdough bread with sliced Roma tomatoes. In fact, I'm going to go make that right now.

Clothes for sale

2007-08-09T04:15:00.000-04:00

I don't expect most of my readers will be interested in this, because if I were to venture a guess, I would think most of my readers are MTF transsexuals. But I suppose quite a few could be male admirers, so this is worth a shot. I just listed some of my old boy clothes on Ebay - that's what I've been doing here for most of the evening. So if you're interested in buying used men's clothing and you are six-foot-one and weigh about 180 pounds, check out my Ebay listing here.

Year-end survey

2007-08-08T02:09:00.000-04:00

A little survey to mark the New Year...

1. WHAT DID YOU DO IN 2005 THAT YOU'D NEVER DONE BEFORE?
Oh god, there's way too much to list - pretty much the entire year was a neverending line of firsts for me.

2. DID YOU KEEP YOUR NEW YEARS' RESOLUTIONS, AND WILL YOU MAKE MORE FOR NEXT YEAR?
I don't normally make resolutions, so if I did, I can't remember what I resolved to do.

3. DID ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Not to my knowledge.

4. DID ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU DIE?
Nope.

5. WHAT COUNTRIES DID YOU VISIT?
Does New Jersey count...?

6. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE IN 2006 THAT YOU LACKED IN 2005?
Stability

7. WHAT DATES FROM 2005 WILL REMAIN ETCHED UPON YOUR MEMORY AND WHY?
The wee hours of April 1 - the night my house burned down, and October 1 - my first day being full-time as a woman.

8. WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT OF THE YEAR?
Becoming on the outside who I really am on the inside.

9. WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST FAILURE?
Trusting my soon-to-be ex-spouse more than I should have.

10. DID YOU SUFFER ILLNESS OR INJURY?
Astonishingly no - and I'm so grateful for that.

11. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING YOU BOUGHT?
Probably the Dell laptop that I use every day.

12. WHOSE BEHAVIOUR MERITED CELEBRATION?
All the friends and family who have stood by me and voiced their unconditional support.

13. WHOSE BEHAVIOUR MADE YOU APPALLED AND DEPRESSED?
All of the members of my family and my spouse's family who showed me that the people I thought were closest to me were the ones least likely to love me unconditionally. Interestingly, not a single non-family person falls into this category.

14. WHERE DID MOST OF YOUR MONEY GO?
To support my spouse and child, willingly and unwillingly.

15. WHAT DID YOU GET REALLY, REALLY, REALLY EXCITED ABOUT?
Being with the ones I love.

16. WHAT SONG WILL ALWAYS REMIND YOU OF 2005?
Porcupine Tree - "Lazarus" from the album Deadwing.

17. COMPARED TO THIS TIME LAST YEAR ARE YOU:
a) Happier or sadder? Generally happier, and capable of being much, much happier :D
b) Thinner or fatter? Thinner, due to diet, stress and a little liposuction :P
c) Richer or poorer? In terms of money and property, much poorer

18. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU'D DONE MORE OF?
Reading.

19. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU'D DONE LESS OF?
Writing letters to my hard-headed family.

20. HOW WILL YOU BE SPENDING CHRISTMAS?
I spent Christmas having dinner with friends in Houston, and I'll be having a delayed gift exchange in January in New Jersey.

21. DID YOU FALL IN LOVE IN 2005?
In a whole lot of ways (see #15).

22. HOW MANY ONE-NIGHT STANDS?
Zero.

23. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE TV PROGRAM?
Iron Chef and Iron Chef America.

24. DO YOU HATE ANYONE NOW THAT YOU DIDN'T HATE LAST YEAR?
I don't think hating people solves anything.

25. WHAT WAS THE BEST BOOK YOU READ?
The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

26. WHAT WAS YOUR GREATEST MUSICAL DISCOVERY?
Oooh, tough one! I think I'm going to have to go with Jeff Buckley.

27. WHAT DID YOU WANT AND GET?
Prescriptions for hormones :)

28. WHAT DID YOU WANT AND NOT GET?
A divorce and a legal name change, but that's coming soon, I hope.

29. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE FILM OF THE YEAR?
Where the Truth Lies

30. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Had a breakfast of barbacoa (shredded beef) and a birthday cake in San Antonio with friends during the Hurricane Rita evacuation.

31. WHAT ONE THING WOULD HAVE MADE YOUR YEAR IMMEASURABLY MORE SATISFYING?
Seeing the Astros win the World Series.

Job search update

2007-08-07T04:04:00.000-04:00

I've started sending out resumes to recruiters and PR agencies now, and I got my first bite today. One of the recruiting managers at a medium-sized agency with offices in New York, San Francisco and London emailed me back and wants to meet with me - hallelujah! Of course it's probably best not to get my hopes up too much, but it is very encouraging to say the least. The company has about 50 employees and its culture seems to be similar to my former company. Plus, I love all three of those cities, so if I have a chance to visit the other offices, I'm all for it.

The bad news is that things are still dragging on my legal name and gender change. My attorney is out of town until Monday, but things are getting pretty tight now time-wise, with a possible interview coming up. If I were being optomistic, a court order could take three or four weeks to secure, then I would have to go to the Department of Public Safety and apply for a new driver's license, but it would be two more weeks until I would receive it through the mail. I would also have to get a new social security card and change all my credit records. This is all predicated on the assumption that the judge even grants my request in the first place, which is by no means guaranteed.

Without the legal identity change, I won't be able to go "stealth" as I would have liked to. My preference would be to leave Houston as a t-girl and start my life anew in a different city as a woman, without any reason to reveal my past. I certainly pass well enough as female to those people who have never met me, and I am looking forward to a new life where I can stop being preoccupied with my TG issues and just live life to the fullest. Unfortunately, if my driver's license still says "M" instead of "F" on it, there will always be the possibility that my trans status will cause problems for me.

I hope to hear something back from the agency in the next couple of days to see about scheduling an interview. In the meantime, I will be sending out more resumes and getting my portfolio ready. I've also scheduled lunches with some of my former co-workers to meet and ask for their help in my job search. Now that my physical transition is largely finished (pending SRS), I am in a position to emerge from my shell and face the world as my new self. Social transition, however, will take many more years, and possibly the rest of my life. But for today, I am happy, and I know that I am finally headed in the right direction.

Gay bashing

2007-08-06T00:59:00.000-04:00

I went to see Brokeback Mountain on Thursday, and I thoroughly enjoyed it - outstanding acting performances, beautiful cinematography, haunting music and a very accessible story about how denial can lead to heartache and disaster. What is somewhat surprising is how popular the movie is in Houston, which has always had this reputation of being very conservative for a city of its size. Even for a weekday matinee show, the theater was more than half-full. Contrast that to the primetime showing of Memoirs of a Geisha, which played to a mostly empty theater.

After the movie, I found a Houston Chronicle message board on the success of the movie, and I was sickened by all the hate speech against gays that the popularity of the movie has brought out in some people. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that there are such people in the world, and that the Internet makes it safe for them to spew forth whatever vitrolic thoughts that pops up into their tiny heads. What does kind of astonish me is the level of ignorance displayed by these people in discussing homosexuality.

One argument seems to be that the movie is promoting the gay lifestyle in an attempt to turn kids into homosexuals. There are two fallacies in that argument. One is that people don't "become" gay because of what they see or read. Being gay isn't a choice, and even if it were, who would choose it? The choice is what you do about it - either deny yourself and stay in the closet or accept and act upon it. The other fallacy is that if you watched the movie, you would never get the idea that being gay is glamorous or desireable. For the characters in Brokeback Mountain, being gay leads to heartache and painful family breakups. I would hardly call that a convincing argument to become gay.

The other thing I notice is that, despite all the rhetoric against gay behavior, there is no mention of lesbians. People who are against gays tend to focus on their digust on the act of anal sex between two males. In 14 pages of back and forth arguing, I didn't see a single mention of anyone's opinion on lesbians. This leads me to wonder if people who attack gays are only against male homosexuals, and then only if they engage in anal sex. Because if someone is against the IDEA of homosexuality, then lesbians should be condemned equally.

I've never given much thought to homosexuality in the past. Being TG is a little different than being gay. It's mostly an inner identity conflict, and less about sexual behavior. But at the same time, I have to figure that at some time or another, I will probably engage in homosexual behavior, unless I remain celibate until SRS. If I make love to someone with a vagina, in my mind, that would be lesbian sex. If I make love to someone with a penis, we will probably have anal sex. So even though being TG and being gay are two entirely different things, the point is that it is in human nature to desire sex, and sometimes we just have to be creative to satisfy that desire.

Bras and boobs

2007-08-05T16:06:00.000-04:00

As I'm sure most people know, Victoria's Secret is having its semi-annual sale right now. I stopped in at the Galleria store to browse around, and it struck me that I made the right decision in not making my breasts too large.

In case anyone is familiar with breast augmentation, my implants are described as smooth round moderate profile saline implants, 350 cc sized. When I first went in for a consultation, the doctor recommended 450 cc implants, which would have made me a D cup. With a chest and ribcage as large as mine, that would have given me more cleavage and probably wouldn't have looked bad at all. But my main concern was that I might grow larger with continued HRT and eventual SRS, which has been known to cause a growth spurt in breasts when the source of the body's testosterone is permanently removed. And despite persistent encouragement from one friend of mine, I'm not pursing a career at Hooters (although I do love their spicy chicken wings).

But what I've only just figured out is that once a woman gets above a 38 C size, bras start looking less like lingerie and more like surgical support bras. I never really realized this because I never shopped for larger sizes before (I was - at best - an A cup before surgery). A genetic girl that wears 40 D or larger starts getting to the point where breasts become a burden on the shoulders, neck and back. Larger breasts would not have been too much of a hardship for me since I have a larger skeleton and I haven't been carrying weight on my chest up until now. But I like being a 38 C because I can find sexy bras without having to go to Frederick's of Hollywood and paying $30-$40 for them.

Gay marriage

2007-08-04T20:11:00.000-04:00

From a young female-to-male friend's site:

10 Best reasons Gay Marriage is wrong

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Re-post this if you believe love makes a marriage.

Attacks on TG people

2007-08-03T02:22:00.000-04:00

I was out this evening at my weekly TG group social gathering at a cafe in Montrose, a predominantly gay part of Houston. I was with my friend Kyla ("Eye of the beholder" - Oct. 7, 2005) and while we were there, she got accosted by a man who clocked her (identified her as TG). When she asked him what his problem was, he made some scathing comment about how at least he was "normal" and that he had served in the military. He continued to snicker at her, until finally his friend (who was black AND gay) came over and apologized to Kyla for his friend's behavior. I wonder if this guy realized that probably three-quarters of the people in the cafe at that time were probably either gay or transgendered. Sometimes the ignorance, immaturity and intolerance of some people amazes me.

Kyla thinks that it's possible this guy was attracted to her, until he realized that she was TG (how he realized that, I'm not sure). But some guys have been known to get more agitated in a situation where they find themselves attracted to a t-girl before discovering she used to be a boy. An extreme example is what happened to Gwen Araujo, a young t-girl who was murdered by three men after they discovered that she was biologically male. This is the primary reason that I advocate telling a potential romantic partner about your genetic history before things get serious (i.e. before kissing is my personal rule).

Kyla gets clocked more than I do, but she also gets a lot more unsolicited compliments on her looks as well. Several times people have literally stopped us to say how pretty she is, or how they love her hair or her makeup. But with her flashy dress and sense of style, (she has purple highlights in her brown hair now) she realizes that she has to take both the good and bad attention. But to her, it's worth it to express her individuality, which she has been doing since she was young. Unfortunately, the world is full of people like this guy tonight who still live by playground rules, where those who are different can be mocked with impunity.

More shirts for sale

2007-08-02T03:40:00.000-04:00

I have my last lot of men's designer shirts on sale now on Ebay. If you are in the market for XL and XXL shirts, have a look - if you win the auction and tell me that you read my blog, I'll give you $5 off the total price :)

Lot of six designer shirts - Hilfiger, Guess, Nautica

Preparing for job interviews

2007-08-01T10:07:00.000-04:00

I scheduled an interview with a second New York PR agency for next week, and another interview with a PR headhunting firm, so I'm just about all booked up now. I could squeeze in maybe one more if someone called me back this week. All in all though, I'm pretty pleased with the response I've gotten to my initial job inquiries.

Now I have a few things to tend to in preparation for my trip. Most importantly is putting together my portfolio of work, which was hastily assembled in the last days before leaving my former job. I had lunch last week with a former co-worker who was very helpful in giving me some ideas on how to organize it all.

I also need to have my hair trimmed, since no one has touched it since early October. I also thought I might go in for one more laser treatment on my face, since there are a few stray hairs popping up. They are so soft and fine that I could actually pluck them without too much difficulty, but if I did that, then the laser would not be able to reach the hair follicle. So I've been shaving them off as they appear, in anticipation of getting one more laser treatment.

I was up late last night trying on things to wear for the interviews. I have a black jacket and pants that are very slimming on me, and I just need to decide on what top to wear with them. I found a very nice one at Nordstroms, but as I looked at it last night, it's actually kind of brown instead of black, so it doesn't quite go together. I also debated wearing a skirt, but as I don't think my legs are my best feature, I think I'll stick with pants for now. Besides, I expect it will be a bit cold for a southern gal such as myself to be wearing a short skirt in New York.

Still no progress to report on the name/gender change petition. My attorney says it might be this week. If we can get the court order before I leave, that would be the best case scenario - then I might be able to complete the process before actually accepting a job offer. Here's to hoping, at least....

Moving out of transition

2007-07-09T15:05:00.000-04:00

I had a wonderful lunch today with the president and my two closest supervisors (Ben and Pam) at my former company - we laughed a lot, and I realized how much I miss the energy being with people after so many months without regular human contact. Even though I don't consider myself a socializer (I'm more of a thinker), it's always nice to be in the company of intelligent, caring friends.

I got some feedback on how I should dress and what I should emphasize at my interviews next week. I also got some great answers to that infamous and inevitable question, "what are your weaknesses?" The glib answer is that I try to take on too much, that I work too hard. Actually, this is true about me - I generally don't say no if a colleague asks for my help, unless I'm in crisis mode with my hair on fire. As I'm sure some of you will concur, the unanimous feedback was that I should wear my black glasses - they said my glasses pull my whole look together. They also suggested that I schedule a second trip two weeks later for follow-up interviews. I'll have to look into that.

As I told them, at the point where I actually move to New York, I will most likely delete this blog and start a new one, a fresh new blog documenting my life in the Big Apple, where I'm just an ordinary girl. Transition is not meant to last forever. Yes, I will be dealing with details of being TG all my life (hormones, surgery, an eventual prostate examination) but it will soon move out of being the dominant issue of my life and more like someone who has leukemia in remission. I will also make the new blog a little more private - it's not going to be listed on those TG blog sites or connected to other TG people's blogs or message boards. So sometime in the next two months, if you are a reader of this blog and want to continue reading, please let me hear from you by email (tsai250@yahoo.com) so I can give you the new blog address. If you're only interested in my life as a transsexual, you probably don't need to bother, since the new blog won't be touching on transition issues. It will be about a girl with a slightly unusual perspective on the world.

I feel that in some ways I am already transitioning out of transition. For example, my 18-month anniversary of starting HRT was last Sunday, and I completely forgot about it. I've been having an increasing amount of trouble remembering to take my t-blocker and progesterone pills (the shots of estrogen every two weeks are a little easier to remember). Even at lunch today, when the waiter was ready to take our order and said "ladies first," Ben leaned over to the president and made note of it. Such small social courtesies have become routine for me (although I still allow myself a thrill at times). Although there is still much to do before I can start my new life in earnest, I already feel a sure sense of self that I've been searching for all my life. Yes, in a way I have traded one "secret" for another (wanting to transition vs. having done it) but the freedom to act and interact as a girl full-time and not pretend to be what I thought a guy should be like is incredibly liberating and fills me with joy.

I probably won't post here until after I return from New York next week, but if you are inclined to do so, please send your good vibes to Manhattan and wish me luck on my interviews. I have five interviews in two days - four PR agencies and a PR recruiting firm, so it's going to be a busy trip.

Headed north

2007-07-08T21:51:00.000-04:00

I'm out until next Thursday in New York for my job interviews. Take care, everybody.

Interviews in New York

2007-07-07T02:48:00.000-04:00

It was a very productive trip to New York. All in all, I met with the four agencies I had scheduled interviews with, and all of them were positive to varying degrees. The first agency was about the same size as my old firm. The interview was very formal, with specific questions asked from three women, all four of us crowded into a tiny office. It should come as no surprise that space is much more at a premium in New York than it is in Houston. Regardless, I felt that the interview was rather stiff and formal, but they were impressed with my work and I thought I answered their questions adequately. I also have to complete their writing test tomorrow and send it back to them.

The second interview was actually in the same building, but off a different elevator. This firm is somewhat larger than my old firm, with a west coast office and one in London. It struck me as being the closest cultural match to my former company, with the founder still taking an active role in the business (I met him, along with three other people, separately). They have a larger and much nicer office than the first firm - marbled lobby, glass walls and doors on offices for the higher-ups, but the cube zones between the two firms were about equal. The second interview was a lot more relaxed than the first, and the people seemed friendlier to me.

The third interview was with a small boutique firm of only seven people in a loft located in the fashion district. In fact, there were rolling racks of dresses crowding the building entrance, bound for some company in the same building. The advantage of being in a small firm having greater opportunity for advancement and achieving an equity stake (ownership) of the business someday. The downside is greater risk of the company losing a big client and being laid off as a result. The other drawback is that since all the employees are in one room with no cubes at all, there's absolutely no privacy.

I showed up for my fourth interview an hour early, so I went back downstairs and had a hot chocolate at the nearby Starbucks. When I came back, two of the three elevators were stuck, one at the lobby level with people trapped inside. The building superintendent was trying to get the elevator door open, but without success. When he went downstairs to get some tools, the trapped people knocked and asked how things were coming, so I answered that he had gone downstairs. I think I heard a collective groan in response. So of course when the one remaining elevator finally came to take me to the 20th floor, it was with some trepidation that I got in...

The fourth interview was with the PR headhunter, which was much more relaxed than with the agencies. She didn't even want to see my portfolio. She wanted to know more about my skills and what kind of job I was looking for, to see if I would match with any of her clients that were looking for a PR/Marketing person. She seemed to imply that there may be an opportunity with a local utility, which might be a good fit with me, given my background with electric utilities.

The final interview was with a big firm in a big building with a rather overzealous security checkpoint. The lobby had electronic gates to pass through by using a cardkey, so I gave my name to the security guard and let him know my business. He asked for a photo ID - I couldn't give him my old ID! He would undoubtedly call up to the company and announce me with my legal name. I told him that I didn't have my ID, but all I had was my resume. So I had to call up to the office myself and ask them to put my name on the entry list.

I met with a vice president in charge of the company's largest account, the woman who needed a right-hand person to help her run the account. We hit it off right away. The client has some connections to the energy business, and the VP said I "spoke her language" when I talked about the work I've done writing white papers and case studies about the natural gas liquids, jet fuel and coal markets. She didn't even really look at my portfolio much - we just talked and talked - twice, she remarked that she had to leave for another appointment, yet we continued to find more things to talk about. Her office was almost as big as my entire apartment, complete with three couches, chairs, tables and her desk. It reminded me of Gordon Gekko's office in the Oliver Stone movie Wall Street.

So of the four agencies I interviewed with, I liked the last one the best because the job seemed to be the most closely aligned with my current skill set. I would be making a lateral move with the fourth agency - the others would probably choose to bring me in at a lower position, because of the way their titles are structured. But basically, I just felt a stronger connection with the last VP - we shared some common experiences with our different clients, and despite spending only two hours together, by the end we were finishing each other's sentences.

My former boss and mentor Ben also called me directly after the final interview and let me know that the first agency had already called him for a reference. His feedback for me was that they seemed to have a hard time understanding how someone like me, who seemed so reserved and demure to them, could have the personality to account for the results I was presenting. He hypothesized (and I tended to agree) that I was making such an effort to be feminine that I was not letting my core personality show through. It is indeed a tricky balance in creating an entirely new identity by incorporating the best of my old identity, new things that I've learned about myself in the past year, and packaging it in such a way that I can pass, both to myself and to others, as female. Passing to store clerks and strangers is one thing. But based on the feedback from my first interview, I still have yet to master the presentation that comes from not "acting feminine," but rather just "being female."

Nevertheless, the good news is that I felt very comfortable in all my interviews, and I didn't have any problems with people looking at me funny or seeming to be uneasy with my appearance or demeanor. There should be a lot of things happening in the next few days. Three of the four firms said they wanted to make a decision within the week. Hopefully I'll get one or two job offers to consider before the month is out.

Job offer

2007-07-06T14:18:00.000-04:00

I just wanted everyone to know that I got a job offer this morning, from my first choice of PR firm (and apparently, I'm their first choice as well, since it was only two days ago I spoke with the man in charge of the New York office). It's a very good offer, more than adequate for my needs - a lateral title move, about 20 percent more than I was making before (to compensate for higher expenses) and similar benefits. As I said previously, I feel a stronger connection to the people there than at the other two firms still in contention, but I'm still going to call the other two to see if offers will be forthcoming. I don't really think I'll need them as leverage, as the salary I was offered is right about what I was asking for, and more than fair, in my opinion.

So I gave notice to my apartment that I'll be moving out at the end of the month, and now comes the hard part - getting all packed and moving out there by Feb. 21 (day after President's Day). So blog updates may be a bit less frequent for a few days due to moving activity, but I'll be keeping everyone up to date.

The other issue of changing my name and gender took another blow today - the presiding judge also refused to hear the case, and threw it back down to the first judge. So now we are basically back where we started a week ago, except we know that the judge really doesn't want to hear this case, so I'm not very optimistic about her having a sudden change of heart. But I've overcome a lot of obstacles in the past year, so maybe there's one more miracle left.

Being female

2007-07-05T12:02:00.000-04:00

I got an email from a former co-worker whom I haven't heard from in years. It's amazing how my transition has touched people from my long-past days and prompted them to write me to express their support. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who would also condemn my transition, but fortunately, they don't bother to write.

So this gentleman responded to my previous post when I referred to "acting" female versus "being" female. He wondered why I needed to act - why not just be myself? This is a valid question, and this was my response to him.

Hi (friend),
Gosh, long time no hear from! I hope things are going well for you and your family these days.

It's a little difficult to explain what I mean about "acting" female. I know that I am female inside, and probably have had a female mindset since birth, but for more than 35 years I've been taught to act male. It's a lot like that case of children being raised by wolves, or the Tarzan story - in order for them to become human and be accepted as human, they have to unlearn their animal behaviors and learn human ones. I have to do the same with my male and female behaviors. Sure, I can be female-looking on the outside and act male, but I want to be accepted as female. So that's why I have to learn to speak, sit, walk, eat, drink, socialize and behave as a female, while unlearning the male behaviors that have become ingrained in my routine. It's all about trying to be as "normal" a female as I can be.

The thing that most non-trans people don't get is that everybody "acts" in day-to-day life. There is a routine for men and women that has been learned from childhood and shaped by living in society. Nearly everything we do from the time we awake to going to sleep is done in a "male" or "female" manner, from brushing one's teeth to sitting in a Starbucks. Some things are more important than others because they are more public, but the point is, we all "act" the way we're supposed to, and a lot of it is dependent on what gender we were assigned at birth when the doctor looked at our genitalia and decided "male" or "female". Overcoming that incorrect designation (in my case) is the challenge I'm facing.

So I hope that you have just a tiny bit more understanding about the obstacles in being transgender. With practice, time and experience, my female presentation will become less of an "act" and more of simply "being" female.

Take care, and thank you for your well wishes!

Hugs,
Michelle

Bad news

2007-07-04T18:54:00.000-04:00

I got a call this afternoon from the PR firm that was going to hire me and they had to rescind the job offer. Apparently, the client that I was going to be working on has decided to consolidate agencies and did not include them as a finalist. The senior vice president told me there was a small possibility of this happening when he made me the offer on Wednesday, but he felt it was such a remote possibility that he still felt comfortable hiring me. But apparently, the worst-case scenario occurred.

So this is a big blow, obviously, as I'd already put a deposit down on my new apartment and given notice at my old apartment that I was moving out, which I may or may not be able to reverse. It also means I'm back to square one in my job search, where I was on January 2. So I'm back to sending out resumes and following up with the other agencies and recruiters I met when I was last in New York.

Voices

2007-07-03T17:24:00.000-04:00

Even though I don't think very much these days about passing, every once in a while I have an episode that I can't help feeling good about. I don't mean to brag or anything - it's just that I want to remember it while it's still fresh. I called my bank today to ask about an ATM charge, and the conversation went like this:

Bank: Good afternoon, my name is Tammy, may I have your account number please?
Me: (gives account number, in girl voice)
Bank: Thank you. Can I have your full name please?
Me: (gives full male name)
Bank: May I speak to the primary account holder?
Me: (still in girl voice) I am the primary account holder.
Bank: May I have the last four digits of the account holder's social security number and date of birth?
Me: (gives information)
Bank: Thank you, how may I help you?

(I ask about an ATM charge I don't recognize and she explains it is from using an ATM last month in New Jersey)

Me: Okay, I understand now. Thank you for clearing that up for me.
Bank: Is there anything else I can help you with, ma'am?
Me: No, thank you.
Bank: Thank you for banking with us and have a nice day.

For those of you who aren't TG and don't get the significance of this, it's not just that I passed as female on the phone, but even after the lady knew I was male, the image in her mind of me as female from the sound of my voice remained unchanged. Pretty cool.

The rules of TG dating

2007-07-02T00:20:00.000-04:00

I went out for a light supper tonight with some of my favorite ex-coworkers at a Thai restaurant. One of them, a lady a few years older than me and also divorced, lamented that the dating prospects for women "of a certain age" were pretty bleak. I told her what she had to deal with was nothing compared to the complications of dating for trans-women. And unfortunately, she had to agree.

Every transgendered person has their own rules about when and how much to tell a potential partner. Some won't go out on a date unless the other party knows beforehand they are TG, preferring not to waste any time on people who might prove to be intolerant. Some people wait until physical sex is imminent before spilling the beans. Most TG people do something in between these two extremes. Some TG people tell the whole story ("I was born in a male (or female) body"), while some tell part of the story, especially if they are post-operative and have the correct body parts ("I have a genetic anomaly and so I can't bear children" is an example).

Of course, once you are post-operative, you don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to. If you are post-op and even your significant other doesn't know about your past, that is called being in "deep stealth" mode. If your partner or close friends know, but your co-workers and most acquaintances don't, that is called being in "stealth" mode. And if you make no effort to hide your past, then you are openly transsexual.

It may or may not surprise you that there are a number of people in the world, mostly men, who are attracted specifically to pre-operative transsexuals (those who have not yet undergone genital reassignment surgery). These people are called "admirers" or "chasers," depending on how they go about it. Some TG people don't like chasers, because ostensibly they are attracted to the very thing that TG people usually don't like about ourselves. Chasers also tend to be focused on sex as the objective of a relationship, which further turns off some TG people. Being thought of as a sexual object usually isn't the best way to begin a relationship. However, the alternative viewpoint is that if you date a TG admirer, at least you know that you have some basic sexual compatibility, and again, you aren't wasting time barking up the wrong tree. In a way, it's not all that different from straight people only wanting to date the opposite sex, or gay people only wanting to date the same sex.

All of this is purely academic on my part, since I am currently off the market and planning to remain so for a very, very long time. Which is perfectly fine with me, because I am very happy with my life right now, and I have no reason to complicate it further by dating. Obviously with me being a non-traditional girl, I'm not into the whole traditional path of dating leading to marriage and starting a family - two things I've done before and am not likely to ever do again. So I'm just taking it one day at a time and enjoying my own life as I've always wanted to live it.

Leaving today

2007-07-01T13:20:00.000-04:00

I'm off to New York this afternoon, so this is going to be a short entry. Still have to pack all my cosmetics and stuff. I'm very excited about this trip. I'm spending two full days in the city, and I scheduled another interview just this morning with a recruiter, bringing my total to eight. I also got an email just now from another huge PR firm that wants to meet me for an opening, so I might be able to set up a ninth interview from the road. Last time I only had five meetings, and I still managed to get an offer. The eight confirmed meetings include five public relations agencies, one non-profit, one recruiter and a second-round interview with a PR firm I met last time. If I'm not completely insensate from the killer schedule, hopefully something good will come of all this.

A New York pace

2007-06-09T01:18:00.000-04:00

It was a pretty grueling trip to New York, much more so than I'd originally planned. Tuesday morning I got up and worked emails, scheduling three interviews mere hours before leaving for the airport. Altogether, I planned to have five meetings on Wednesday and five more on Thursday. My last trip in January, I had three on the first day and two on the second.

I also had numerous problems with my problematic "dual identity," starting at the Houston airport security check. The woman looked at my driver's license and refused to believe it was my picture (that picture is about four or five years old - I took a new one recently, but it hasn't been mailed to me). We had to go to a supervisor, who asked to see other forms of ID and a credit card, which I produced. She was satisfied, wished me a nice trip, and that was the end of it. However, I ran into similar problems at several buildings in New York, which have tightened security after 9/11.

Altogether, I had 14 meetings with 10 companies, seven PR firms, a law firm, a non-profit organization and a recruiter. On Wednesday, I had five interviews - one of them wanted me to come back to take a writing test, and I wound up missing another interview and having to reschedule it for Friday. On Thursday, I met with four PR agencies and a recruiter, and two of the agencies wanted to do follow-up interviews with senior executives on Friday. It's a good thing that I left Friday completely open, intending to enjoy some down time, but duty called.

One of the interviews was a second-round meeting with a firm that I'd met back in January, and I think this is probably my best shot to get an offer quickly, since I've talked to four of the key decision-makers now. As I was leaving, the lady said I would be hearing from them very soon. I also made such a good impression on one of my interviewers that he walked my resume over to a colleague who owns a small firm that specializes in wine and spirits, luxury liqueur brands and such, and I was able to squeeze her in on Friday as well.

So that's it - 14 meetings in three days, and I was wiped after each day. It was also an incredibly bumpy plane ride back to Houston today, so I think I'm going to bed soon and leave the unpacking for tomorrow. Hopefully, something good will come of all this effort, because I don't know how many scouting trips like this I can possibly take. At least I'm finally starting to appreciate the benefit of being unemployed - staying up late, getting up late, and a lot less running around.

Name changes

2007-06-08T13:08:00.000-04:00

Names can be very permanent things, second only to gender in our society. When someone goes through a gender transition, you encounter so many obstacles in changing genders that sometimes you don't realize how difficult it is just to change your name.

Try this experiment. Open up one of your regular emails you might receive from a store or an e-newsletter you've subscribed to. Use the links to go to manage your account, and try to get to a screen that allows you to change your name and gender. I would wager that a large majority of the time, you will not be able to do it. You can change your email, phone, address or preferences easily, but your name and gender are often immutable. You'd have to unsubscribe and start fresh with a new account in order to do it. Now take the hassle factor you just experienced and multiply that by a factor of 1,000 - that's the kind of obstacle that a transitioning adult faces.

Some people don't realize that you need a court order signed by a judge in order to legally change your name. They do this so that people can't keep changing their name to avoid paying bills or other devious reasons. But once you get the court order, then the real fun begins - changing all your legal documentation, such as your social security card, passport, driver's license, IRAs, bank accounts, insurance documentation... the list is endless. I literally expect to be dealing with changing things I've forgotten about for years after I finally get my court order.

Women who change their names when they get married have some idea what this is like. I was in line at the Department of Public Safety office getting a new driver's license the other day and I stood next to a young lady with a marriage certificate peeking out of a stack of papers in her arms. There are two differences in what she had to do versus what I'm going to have to do. First, although we both have the same legal standing in terms of having a court ordered name change, hers raises a lot fewer eyebrows than mine will. Second is that if she misses some opportunities to correct records, she's not likely to lose much sleep about it. But for me, to be referred to by my old name could "out" me to someone who might object to my existence. So I will need to be extra-diligent to make sure that I've covered as much of my legal "footprint" as I can.

Someone who has been alive more than 30 years as I have has built up a massive amount of information about themselves in the hands of various individuals and organizations. In this age of privacy concerns, I have a unique opportunity to create this new identity, a fully formed person who has never existed before. It's a pretty neat concept if you stop to think about it. Hasn't everyone wished at one time or another that we could make a fresh start? For me, this is a tremendous opportunity to begin my life anew, in the body and social role that I feel I should have been in all my life. I can't wait to get started.

Spicy breakfast

2007-06-07T00:21:00.000-04:00

As some of you who know me in real life know, I am something of a chile head, an aficianado of hot and spicy food. This morning I made my first dish ever with nature's hottest chile pepper, habanero.

The dish was a mushroom omlette with an habanero-lime guacamole on the side. The omlette is cooked in the usual way: chop up one mushroom, saute in canola oil until tender, then add four beaten eggs and a handful of chopped green onion. Make a flippable pancake, then add shredded sharp cheddar cheese and fold the pancake in half so the cheese melts inside.

The guacamole recipie is as follows:

1/4 cup of fresh squeezed lime juice
2 medium avacadoes, diced
2 habanero peppers, seeded and chopped
1/4 cup of cilantro
1/4 cup of diced white onions
1 roma tomato, diced
1/4 cup of Pace chunky medium hot salsa

I always like to put the lime juice in the bowl first, then add the peppers, onions and cilantro, so that the acidity of the lime brings out the flavors of the aromatics. Habanero has a distinct earthy flavor aside from the heat that I'm just getting used to. The heat from two peppers was no problem for me, so maybe tomorrow I'll use four.

Coming out

2007-06-06T00:45:00.000-04:00

I met a new person at my weekly TG group meeting, a pre-transition MTF who has written me a couple emails in the past. I'll call him "Bill" since he's not out yet. The parallels between his life and mine are eerily similar - he's a few years younger than me, married, and has a child. He's been struggling with GID for all his life, and now feels like it's becoming overwhelming and threatening to destroy the comfortable, secure life he's managed to build.

Basically, Bill is in the same position and facing the same choices that I did back in 2002. That choice is to continue living as a man, in a conventional role, or take steps to allow his inner feminine self to break free of the male persona he's built as a way to conform to society's expectations. This has to be one of the hardest decisions anyone has to face, mainly because unlike many decisions we make in life, the consequences of this decision touch every aspect of your life, and past a certain point, are mostly irreversible.

When I think back on that period of time when I had to make this decision for myself, I feel like it was a rather easy decision for me. I had been living in my female persona online for several months and I felt a sense of rightness and freedom of expression that I never felt in real life. I didn't consult with anyone besides my therapist and I wasn't going to support group meetings in boy mode like Bill did. The first person I confided in was my spouse, and by then, I'd already made up my mind about making changes, although I didn't know how far I would go. In the end, this is a path you have to be prepared to walk alone, and while people close to you are affected, I believe ultimately that we are each responsible for our own lives and our own happiness. No one should have a vote in something this personal, and everyone has their own choices to make, whether to stay with you or leave. Everyone is free to decide what is best for themselves.

Sometimes people throw up the word "obligation" as a reason not to transition. To me, no one has the right to enforce an obligation that means you have to live out your days trapped in a life you don't feel is your own. If you feel obliged to do something, it has to be something that comes from you, not from someone else. Doing something that preserves your own personal sense of honor and justice - that I can respect. No one has the right to tell someone how to live their own life, and at the same time, we can only hold ourselves responsible for the choices we make. If you let someone else tell you how to live, ask yourself if they will take responsibility later down the line if things turn out badly. Chances are, they won't - life just doesn't work that way.

The end of puberty

2007-06-05T14:36:00.000-04:00

I woke up today and looked at myself in the mirror, and I realized that my physical transformation is coming to an end. Simply put, the changes in my physical appearance that have occurred so rapidly in the past two years - culminating with my cosmetic surgery - are pretty much over. As hormones and aging continue their dual effect on my body, I'll see changes much more gradually over time.

What TG people who transition go through is often described as a second puberty, assuming they went through the first one as their birth sex (i.e. they did not transition before natural puberty). I remember when I was going through puberty as a young male, I was convinced that my body was going to develop as a female. I thought that sooner or later, my penis would fall off or go away and I would blossom into a young woman. As the years passed and it didn't happen, I learned to accept being in a male body and made the most of it. It was many years later before I learned that there was a way to make that childhood dream come true, but had I known then what I know now, perhaps my life would have turned out much differently.

Perhaps that is why we are seeing TG people in this country transition younger and younger, because of the availability of information on the Internet and the gradual understanding fostered by movies such as Transamerica, Soldier's Girl and Boys Don't Cry. I remember seeing a documentary on transsexuals getting SRS in Thailand, and a Thai surgeon said that the average age of his patients who come from the U.S. is 50, but the average age of his Thai patients is only 26. There are a number of reasons for this, but probably the most pervasive is the difference in our cultures. Transgendered people are much more visible and accepted in southeast Asia than they are here. If a child who grows up in Thailand has TG thoughts, he or she is much more likely to explore it and get the necessary information to make a decision at an earlier age.

Maybe in a borderline case that might not be a good thing. Making such a life-altering decision requires the clarity and stability that some people only find in maturity. But that is what psychologists and therapists are for - to help those who may be confused to understand themselves more fully. But in this country, it is so much harder to be informed, and once diagnosed with GID, to undertake the journey. There is a lack of understanding about the TG condition in this country that we are slowly starting to address. And that is why I'm trying to do my small part in this blog, and by participating in a TG panel at Rice University next week for psychology students as part of their Human Sexuality elective. I will post that experience here in a few days. Check back soon!

Panel discussion

2007-06-04T15:58:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was a guest speaker for a class on human sexuality at the Baylor College of Medicine in the Texas Medical Center. The hour-long class focused on understanding the transgender experience, similar to the reason I started this blog.

I was one of three pre-op transwomen on the panel, which spoke in front of about 50 first-year medical students. I was the youngest, and most recent transitioner on the panel - the other two ladies were 47 and 57 years old, as I recall. They have both been full-time for many years, while I've only been full-time for less than six months. There was supposed to be a trans-guy coming, but he couldn't make it.

After we each took about two minutes to introduce ourselves, we spent the rest of the hour answering questions. We talked about the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association and standards of care, how our transitions affected our family relationships, surgery, and medical care received by TG patients. I'm glad that everyone was very polite, respectful and asked intelligent questions. I seemed to get more questions directed at me than the other two panelists, perhaps because I'm still in transition and I'm dealing with things that they have since left behind. I expect that once I've been full-time and living as a woman for a number of years, little things like passing on the phone or having my ear piercings heal will become unremarkable for me.

Anyway, it was actually a pretty fun time for me. I enjoy helping to educate people about the transgender condition, and I try to do what I can. One of my fellow panelists actually hosts a GLBT-themed radio show on Monday nights, which I'd never heard of. I don't think I'll ever get quite that into it, but I certainly admire her commitment to putting a human face on the TG community.

One thing I did not get to share yesterday was my dream that we will someday live in a world where people do not have to shoehorn themselves into a binary gender society, where gender is not black and white, and where everyone feels free to express their identity without regard to prescribed gender roles. For every one of us who has actually transitioned successfully, there are hundreds who are either trapped in mid-transition or pre-transition, suffering their way through life because of fear, outright discrimination or lack of resources. But even though I can be cynical at times, I actually have faith that this state of affairs will improve, for the betterment of our society as a whole.

Finally legal

2007-06-03T15:19:00.000-04:00

My divorce hearing went smoothly this morning, and I am now legally Michelle (finally!). Now I have less than two hours to catch a plane to New York for interviews this week. I will post more details at a later date.

My day in court

2007-06-02T17:47:00.000-04:00

I wanted to recap Monday's events in more detail, since it was such a turning point in my life and does illustrate some aspects of the TG condition that I want to highlight - namely, unfair treatment in the justice system.

Monday I arrived at the courthouse at 8:30 a.m. Parking was horrendous, probably from the fact that it was Monday morning and the Enron trial is going on, which brings a lot of extra bodies to the courthouse area. I managed to find a bail bonds company that let me park in their extra parking spot for $12. I went in and found my ex-partner already there, looking over the final draft. We said a few words to each other, asking what's going on, and then I went around the corner to find an unoccupied bench to wait for my attorney.

One thing that struck me about her was how awful she looked. She had gained weight, she was wearing no makeup, her skin was all blotchy, and despite $7,000 worth of cosmetic surgery on her eyes, they still had bags under them. I couldn't help but wonder what she's been going through. I know she's now working in California and being a single mom to a special needs child isn't easy. Or perhaps it was from having to catch a super-early flight to Houston that morning - another reason I filed for divorce in Houston, so that she could not file in California and make me do all the traveling. Regardless, I'll admit to a twinge of satisfaction after it was all over and my attorney said, "you're a much better looking woman than she is."

After my attorney arrived, they met in chambers to discuss the case, and my attorney came out to tell me what happened. I had two decrees ready for the judge, one with a gender change and one without, but both with a name change. My attorney told me that the judge flatly refused to hear anything about a gender change, citing a previous case involving someone named "Clark" as the reason. She went on to say that the judge didn't even want to consider my name change even, which would have sent everything back to square one and we'd have had to cancel our hearing and reset for another day. But my attorney argued that since the family code allowed women to change their names as part of a divorce, forbidding a "man" to do it would likely be viewed as unconstitutional, and the judge relented. On the gender question, my attorney insisted that we be allowed to argue the petition in open court to get it on the record, and that request was granted.

So we got up in open court, for all the world appearing to be two women standing in front of a judge asking for a divorce for a legal marriage between a man and a woman. I'm sure to an observer, it must have seemed a touch surreal. But we got through it, with my legal male name repeated over and over, and finally the judge granted the divorce, including my name change. At that point, my ex-partner and her attorney left without a word.

Then it came time to argue my separate petition for a name and gender change. This was my original petition I had filed way back in October in Fort Bend County court that was transferred to Harris County and finally being heard. The first thing my attorney asked me was for my name, and I reflexively gave my old name. She looked at me funny and prompted me by saying, "your name as a result of the previous court order..." and I sheepishly gave my new, female name. That was a small triumph for me, to be able to give my legal name as Michelle in front of a judge. Then she asked me several questions about why I needed my gender marker changed, and what might happen to me if I was required to be publicly transsexual. I also explained why being correctly identified on my documentation was in the public's interest. After we finished, the judge immediately said, "relief on the change of name granted, all other request for relief denied. Good luck." Then she smiled and me, and I respectfully thanked her. And with that, one chapter of my life was closed, and another begins.

La Vie Boheme

2007-06-01T23:26:00.000-04:00

I recently saw the movie Rent and today I bought the soundtrack and I just finished listening to it. Seeing the movie really affected me deeply on many different levels. What I found interesting is that about five years ago, I saw Rent on Broadway when I was in New York for a PR conference with some co-workers. I distinctly remember my impression of the play even now - the first song, "Seasons of Love" stuck in my mind as a great pop song but the rest of the play didn't move me at all. It wasn't that the songs weren't good or the story didn't make sense. I simply couldn't connect or identify with the characters.

Five years ago I was a typical upper-middle class male - stable, predictable and respected by many. I didn't know a single person who was HIV-positive. The only gay person I had any regular contact with was my boss. I didn't know anyone who was homeless, or who didn't own a car or a cell phone. I didn't know anyone who couldn't afford to live without a roommate if they chose to. I didn't know any adults who didn't have a career in some field or another. Today, all of these things are untrue.

Another thing that has changed, besides the obvious, is that I'm much more open with expressing my emotions now than I was before. Prior to transition, I very rarely cried - like maybe once or twice in two decades since I was teenager. I was also rarely angry enough to raise my voice, or aroused enough to flirt with someone. All of this is in the process of changing as I continue to dismantle the male construct I've built around myself since birth.

Needless to say, my reaction to seeing the movie was 180 degrees from my reaction five years ago to the Broadway play. I enjoyed every frame immensely, and broke down into tears at the end. Finally, I understand what all the fuss was about when the show was the hottest thing on Broadway. Of all the musical theater shows I've seen in my life (Les Miserables, Miss Saigon, Phantom of the Opera, Jesus Christ Superstar, Crazy for You, Jekyll & Hyde and My Fair Lady) Rent is now probably my favorite or tied with Les Miz.

One thing I thought about after watching Rent was how I perceived the character Angel, who is a drag queen. I expect that if I were to have my parents watch the movie, they would think that I'm exactly the same as Angel, a genetic male "pretending" to be a woman. Of course this is entirely untrue. The difference is that I'm not pretending - I am a woman mentally and someday I will be physically and legally one as well.

Quite frankly, as someone who has the brain sex of a woman, it's rather difficult for me to entirely understand a drag queen's persona. Being transsexual, I'm trying my best to be unequivocably female. Sometimes this desire to project a public image that matches my internal identity makes me behave differently than if I were simply being myself without regard to gender-based behavior. I try to reduce ambiguity in my gender presentation, while drag queens revel in such ambiguity, which makes some people uncomfortable. But just as I'm not trying to be clearly female in order to make people comfortable, I don't think drag queens are doing the opposite in order to make people uncomfortable. We are all simply trying to express the identity that we feel we are inside with honesty and then trying to find acceptance in the world.

Name changes

2007-05-09T23:57:00.000-04:00

It's been rather busy this past couple of days, changing all my identity documents and such. On Monday I got my driver license and social security cards changed, and changed my academic records at my university. I also ordered new copies of my diplomas with my new name so I can replace the old diplomas in their frames, which were in my office at the time of the fire. I also changed my bank account name and ordered new checks and ATM card.

I also changed my credit cards, my cell phone account, my IRA account, my Costco membership and a few other things. I'm sure there will be other things that come up as I run into them, but I'm pretty much done with the major stuff right now. The last thing to do is to submit my tax return for 2005 next week. This is gonna be interesting because I'm filing jointly with my ex-partner, but my name is already changed in the social security records, so it appears from our tax return as if we are a lesbian married couple. I just hope all the convolutions don't trigger an IRS audit.

I've also been doing a fair amount of shopping lately. Now that it's getting warmer, I realize that I don't own any athletic shorts, or much in the way of athletic clothes period. So I bought some pieces just so I can go and walk the stairs in my apartment complex, which is my regular exercise routine. I need to be a little more disciplined about it - I'm about 10 pounds heavier right now than I should be.

I'm also trying out a new face powder by Yves Saint Laurent I found at Nordstroms. It's called Poudre Sur Mesure or semi-loose powder natural radiance. It's a pressed powder in a compact, but with a turn of a ring, the holes in a metal tray on the powder act like a cheese grater and turn the pressed powder into loose powder, which you can apply with a brush. I've been using it a couple of days and I'm pretty happy with it. It gives good coverage and a luminescent finish, and the powder surface won't pick up oils from my skin like ordinary pressed powder would from a brush. Heh, I'm such a girl when it comes to makeup now - hard to believe I've only been using it less than a year.

Girls weekend

2007-05-08T13:15:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I had a girls weekend with two of my closest friends, Colleen and Mandy, in Columbus, Ohio. Colleen lives in Indianapolis, so I flew there from Houston, where she picked me up at the airport and we drove about three hours to pick up Mandy from a small town in Ohio and drove to Columbus. We checked into a hotel and went out to dinner and walked around the mall on Friday night. I bought Mandy a bra at Victoria's Secret since her old one was so worn out and she can't afford a nice one.

Early Saturday morning, when Colleen and I were just falling asleep, Mandy's friend Tabitha joined us at the hotel. She had driven all the way from Nashville in the pouring rain at night to come hang out with us. She's just starting her transition, two months on HRT, and still looks very much like a boy. Her voice is already pretty good though, and she's going to pass well someday once the hormones take effect.

Saturday afternoon we went out to COSI Columbus, the Center for Science and Industry, and strolled around the campus. Then we visited the pagan store near downtown, where I bought some prayer incense, before stopping at a White Castle for me and Colleen. She had never had a White Castle burger, and I don't think she'll ever have another one - me however, I love onions so I crave them from time to time. Then we went back to the mall we visited Friday night and explored the outdoor part that we had skipped the day before due to rain. I bought some jewelry at Chico's and Tabitha bought some face cream at Bath & Body Works. She has lost a ton of weight, just the way I did pre-transition back in 2004, and she's trying to keep her skin hydrated to minimize stretch marks.

We stopped at a Chipotle for Mandy and Tabitha to get burritos, and a couple of lesbians sneaked a picture of Mandy with a camera phone while they were waiting in line. Mandy was wearing a shirt that said, "My girlfriend likes YURI [Japanese anime porn]" so I guess it had the intended attention-grabbing effect. Mandy has just recently come to the conclusion that she is a lesbian, so she wants attention, just not stalker-ish, creepy kind of attention.

Later that evening, we saw a bunch more lesbians at a gay bar, where we had dinner. Afterwards, we explored some of the BDSM (bondage, dominatrix, submissive, masochistic) stores nearby, getting quite a laugh about all the trans-porn on the shelves. Sometimes it's funny being thought of as a sex object. That was about all we could handle for Saturday night, and Sunday I had to leave the girls early to catch my plane back home. I had a great time with my friends and meeting Tabitha, and I hope we'll be able to do it again after I've settled into my new life in New Jersey.

Houston Press article

2007-05-07T12:03:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading a very interesting article on the genderqueer phenomenon in the Houston Press ("Bois and grrls" - March 16, 2006) which I'd describe as young transgender expression. It brought up some interesting points about the transgender condition and further shows how out of the closet we are becoming.

In the article, TG author Kate Bornstein talks about how she went through SRS to become female, but for her, it almost drove her to suicide. She did not want to conform to society's roles available to females - she wasn't a straight woman, and lesbians shunned her when they found she was trans. She makes an interesting point that GID is the only medical condition where the suggested therapy (then, as sometimes now) is to lie or hide the truth. We're told to transition and get on with "normal" life in our chosen gender. But the fact is that we will always be TG, and hiding it only perpetuates this mode of treatment. Only by being open and honest will we ever hope to change society enough to where TG people, pre- and post-transition, can live a completely open, honest life without persecution.

A visit to Mystic

2007-05-06T01:16:00.000-04:00

Here are some pictures of our visit to Mystic, Connecticut last week. We visited the aquarium and the Mystic Seaport area, where sailing ships have been built and launched for hundreds of years. The spot has become kind of a ren-fest with a nautical theme.

At the historic seaport, we stopped at the Shipsmith Shop and watched a ship smith at the forge making iron implements. This shop was built in 1885 in Massachusetts and is the only manufactory of ironwork for the whaling industry known to have survived from the 19th century.

The main attraction at the seaport is the wooden whaleship Charles W. Morgan, built in 1841. It was amazing going down into the hold and seeing how the crew lived and worked in such cramped conditions built for people much smaller than we were.

On the deck of the Morgan, some of the seaport tour guides conducted an impromptu jam session with a banjo and an accordion, while others demonstrated intricate rope braiding techniques.

We also saw a replica of the famous ship Amistad (called Freedom Schooner Amistad, launched in 2000), which was featured in a movie of the same name by Steven Spielberg a few years back. The original Spanish slave ship was the site of a pre-Civil War slave rebellion on the high seas, and the rebels were tried in an American court and eventually allowed to return home to Africa.

While we had lots of fun, we did not get to visit the famous Mystic Pizza parlor, the scene of another movie starring Julia Roberts in 1988. Maybe next time.

Update from New Jersey

2007-05-05T20:22:00.000-04:00

So if you've been following my life so far, you're probably wondering how the move from Houston to New Jersey went off. It was quite an arduous trip, in many ways more than I'm going to talk about here, but now that I'm here, it feels great to be having a fresh start (even if I did bring a ton of stuff with me).

I've been moving pretty much non-stop since last Friday. I got up at about 7 a.m. to get ready for my movers and tree people to wrap up my ficus tree. Then I got a call from the moving company - the credit card I'd given them had been declined because my credit card company was slow to post the payment I'd made on Thursday, so I needed to either provide another card number - by fax, and I don't have a fax machine - or pay with a cashier's check upon delivery. Since I didn't have a fax machine, I told them I'd give them a cashier's check when my stuff got unloaded. But then I thought better of it and decided I should charge it, in case my checks didn't clear the bank before then (more on that in a second). So I drove down to my leasing office to use the fax machine, but they were still closed, despite being 30 minutes after the posted opening time. I waited outside the gate for a while, then decided to try and go to my bank down the street and use their fax. I was turning around on the street when I saw them open the gate, so I went back in and had them fax the credit card info. This day was starting off with a bang.

Then the tree guys show up and take my tree out of the pot and wrap it in burlap for the trip. After they're done, the movers show up, but they can't get the trailer truck into my apartment - I have to call to have someone open up both gates. After getting a wrong number and finally reaching them, they say that they would prefer the truck stay on the street so as not to block tenant parking or the fire zone. But the mover says that he can be ticketed for being on the street, so they finally let them in, on the condition that someone stay with the truck so it can be moved if necessary. It only took them about two hours to pack and load everything, then I drove to the office of my ex's attorney to pick up my portion of the divorce settlement, a large lump sum of money that is going to pay for my SRS and has to sustain me until I find a job. I deposited the checks in my bank and came back to the apartment to finish my packing and clean the apartment.

After locking up and dropping off the keys and remotes to the leasing office, I ran a few more minor errands - including another run-in at the U.S. Post Office - and left Houston at about 3:30 p.m. on Friday. I drove I-10 through Louisiana, leaving a growing storm coming off the Gulf of Mexico behind me. In the Bayou State, I accidentally took a wrong turn, going south to New Orleans instead of staying eastbound, which took me about 70 miles out of the way. I kept driving on I-59 northeast until about 1 a.m. and stopped in Meridian, Mississippi for the night.

The next morning, I got up about 9:30 a.m., had breakfast, and continued my trip through Alabama. Unfortunately, about 17 miles east of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, one of my tires went flat. I was driving along when another driving pulled up alongside me and started honking furiously. I looked over at him and he pointed down to my car. I immediately pulled over and got out in time to hear the last of the nitrogen escaping from my front passenger's side tire. I called my roadside assistance that comes with my 21st Century auto insurance and waited for the tow truck. I couldn't get to my spare tire because my van had been packed in so tightly that it would have taken hours to get enough stuff out to get to the spare. Fortunately, my insurance covered the cost of the tow back to Tuscaloosa, and the problem was simply a bad valve stem, which only cost $5 to fix. All things considered, things could have been a lot worse.

Since I lost a couple of hours with that incident, I started taking more times between breaks and made good time all the way to Knoxville, Tennessee. Unforturnately, that's where I made another wrong turn and went 35 miles up into the Appalachian Mountains in heavy rain at night before I turned around to get back to I-40. It was then that I noticed that my car was having some serious vibrations when I accelerated between 60 and 70 mph. I figured that the engine mount that my mechanic had been telling me about for a while was finally ready to give out. The result was that I could only cruise at about 45-50 mph and have everyone pass me, or use a downhill to get up to 80 mph and risk getting a speeding ticket. Then, to compound matters, when I entered Virginia, I noticed the sign that says, "Radar detectors are illegal in Virginia," which gave me further to choose the first of my two options. I finally stopped in Wyethville, VA for the night.

I first tried the Hampton Inn, but they were full for the night. So I went across the street to the Ramada Inn, and asked the front desk woman if there were any rooms - there were. She asked if I was a AAA member, or an AARP member (do I look that old?!) or a teacher, or a government employee? I said no to everything, and she said, "I'm just trying to save you money!" Then she saw the earth goddess pendant that I always wear and she gave me 10 percent off for being pagan :) She explained that the bartender at the restaurant is Wiccan, and she was a Buddhist-something or other. "All I know is that God isn't a man - men aren't that creative" she said with a smile. She was nice enough to give me a relatively spacious handicap-accessible room on the ground floor. This is just the sort of thing that would never happen in Texas - it seems that the further north you get, the more open-minded people get, although there are plenty of small-minded people everywhere.

On Sunday morning I woke up at 7 a.m. for my final leg, since I knew it was going to be slow due to the car situation. I slowly made my way along I-81, sometimes driving for four hours straight at a time, passing through Virginia, West Virginia, Maryland and Pennsylvania (I called my FTM friend Chris and left a message as I passed Hershey, PA to let him know I was nearby) before arriving at my destination in New Jersey at 6:30 p.m. We went out to dinner to celebrate my arrival, and unloaded my van into my new living quarters. My moving truck arrives this weekend with the rest of my stuff.

On Monday, I ran my errands, picking up my post box keys, submitting my change of address, getting my storage area squared away, visiting a compounding pharmacy to fill my HRT prescriptions, and looking for a car mechanic. I unpacked and set up my computer station and my DVD player. Yesterday I took the car into a Honda dealer to get my 100,000 mile tune-up and get that vibration checked out. Unfortunately, all the work I need on the van comes out to a $2,300 repair bill, and that's not including replacement of two bent wheel rims and worn tires I need to address soon. But despite all the ordeals of moving, I'm so happy to be here finally, after months of waiting and planning. I'm looking forward to a wonderful new life here, being with the people who I love and who love me more than anyone else in the world.

Comics and commuting

2007-05-04T19:44:00.000-04:00

Lots more stuff been happening here, but I wanted to say one thing on my mind as I've just finished showering and putting lotion on - it's really fun making soap bubbles between my boobs in the shower :)

Another thought as I'm sorta following the Barry Bonds home run chase - I think they should change the rules in baseball to say that any walk issued, intentional or not, on a 4-0 count should be worth two bases instead of one. So if a pitcher walks a batter without throwing a single strike, he puts him on second instead of first. Just a thought.

Saturday I drove into New York for the first time to Midtown Comics for Free Comic Book Day. We were lucky to encounter little traffic and got a great parking space just a few feet from where the line ended. We stood in line for about 15-20 minutes until we were able to get in and get our bags of free comics. We browsed around for a bit and I found a couple things I'd like to go back for next week or the next time I'm in the city around Times Square.

After we got back from the city, I helped take a car stereo out of an old car and did some creative home improvement with a piece of insulation board, a utility knife and some clear duct tape. On Sunday, my delivery truck arrived at my storage facility and I helped unload my furniture and my remaining household items. When my 36 inch TV came off, it was put on a narrow cart and I noticed that it was sitting on its own plug with the power cable dragging on the ground. The mover tilted it slightly enough for me to pull the plug free, but the TV was off-balance because it's so front-heavy, and it fell off the cart and right on its glass face, imploding the huge CRT with a percussive BOOM! We all just stood there for several seconds with our mouths open in shock before I inquired if there were some forms I should fill out for this kind of situation. We ended up settling the claim on the spot for $400 in cash, so that the mover could avoid a negative work report and I wouldn't have to deal with red tape in getting a replacement TV or a paid claim.

In truth, this is a pretty good outcome for me. I've been wanting to upgrade my TV for some time, but obviously it hasn't been a priority with everything else that's been going on, plus I couldn't justify spending my limited funds on a new TV when I had a perfectly acceptable TV already. Now that it's gone, I can not only buy a lighter, slimmer, better TV, I can also get rid of the big entertainment center that was donated to me and get something I'd pick for myself. But first I need a permanent place to live, of course.

Monday I had my third job interview with a non-profit firm that I've been courting. I rode the train into New York by myself for the first time and managed not to get lost. The interview went well, and I think I'll be hearing from them soon (but I've said the same thing several times in the past, so we'll see). For the return trip, my potential future boss gave me a ticket to take a ferry that docks at South Harbor just a few steps from the office to Hoboken. The 10 minute ferry ride took me around the tip of Manhattan with the city skyline on the starboard side and a great view of the Statue of Liberty on the port side. At Hoboken, I just missed the train back home, so I bought a sandwich and chips at the deli and ate it in the waiting room until the next train arrived an hour later. Once I get this transit thing down, I'll navigate these connections much better.

Wednesday we had our Lord of the Rings DVD marathon, starting at 11 a.m. and ending at 2 a.m. It was a little too long for some of us, but I had fun anyway. It was nice to chill out for the whole day with my loved ones in front of the TV.

Little differences

2007-05-03T04:56:00.000-04:00

Saturday I got new tires for my minivan and replaced two of the wheel rims. Earlier in the week I replaced the battery as well. Altogether I've spent more than $3,000 since my arrival getting my car into pretty tip-top shape, so it should last me for a while.

It's funny how even familiar things here in New Jersey are a little different than they were in Houston. For example, when I went to the Costco store here, which is otherwise nearly identical to the Houston store in terms of prices and merchandise, but they sell Italian sandwiches with roasted peppers and onions at the snack bar to appease the large Italian population here. They also closed the tire shop for a half day in order to pump out the septic tank, something unheard of in Houston.

One thing I like about New Jersey is that all gas stations are required to pump gas for you, and it doesn't cost any more than what everyone normally pays for self-service. So you can sit in your car and have someone pump the gas and not feel like you're getting ripped off. Which is great because hands get dirty handling gas pumps.

Job interview

2007-05-02T01:55:00.000-04:00

I had a bit of an adventure today in getting to my job interview in New York. I had intended to take the train into Hoboken and then a ferry to the South Side Harbor, which is only about three blocks from my final destination. The trouble began when I missed the train to Hoboken.

My problem is that right now I take way too long to get ready. I tend to look at myself a lot in the mirror while I'm doing my hair and makeup and see things that need attention, like hair needing to be plucked or shaved, skin blemishes, nails needing work, etc. I need to start doing all these maintenance things regularly, like on weekends, so they won't distract me when I'm in a hurry.

So after missing the train by about five minutes, I paid my $3 to get out of the parking garage (even though I was only in it for a few minutes) and drove to Hoboken. I found the Hoboken terminal without too much trouble, but I couldn't figure out a good place to park, so I just used an open lot near the terminal that cost $19. I walked to the ferry office and bought a round trip ticket, but I got confused about which pier I wanted, and accidentally bought tickets to the World Financial Center, which is on the opposite side of Manhattan from South Street Harbor. So the ferry dropped me off at Battery Park near Ground Zero, and I proceeded to walk east, not knowing how far I would have to go.

After about 30 minutes of walking, my feet were killing me (I didn't figure on doing so much walking, so I was wearing heels) so I finally found a subway station that I recognized and bought a ticket. When the train arrived, I got on board, but the train didn't move. Eventually I heard an unintelligble announcement that must have said the train was being delayed, because everyone started getting off. I finally followed suit and went back up to the street, wasting my subway fare, and walking the rest of the way to my destination. Fortunately, despite all the foot pain and perspiration which threatened to ruin my makeup, I managed to arrive almost exactly at my appointed time looking reasonably composed.

This PR firm I interviewed with is fairly sizeable - about 50 people in New York, and offices in Los Angeles, Seattle and Boston. They were on the 30th floor of a tower overlooking the Brooklyn Bridge, and the view from their floor-to-ceiling windows in the lobby reminds me of the views of offices featured in movies such as The Devil's Advocate and The Thomas Crown Affair. I snapped a shot with my camera while I waited for the interview to start.

The interviews went fine, and it seems like a good firm. They do a lot of work for high-profile charitable non-profits, which is always nice to be involved in. The only thing that I think probably hurts me is that I was referred to this firm by a headhunter, and I would guess that if they hired me, they would have to pay a pretty sizeable commission to the headhunter. That would probably be an incentive to hire someone else of equal quality whom they might have found through their own referral system or an employment ad.

Getting back home was a breeze compared to my transit ordeal getting there. I simply walked three blocks to the South Street Harbor and took a ferry to Hoboken, walked to my car and drove home. Now I have to tend to all the blisters on my feet - I think I'll be keeping off them for a while.

Sightseeing in New York

2007-05-01T19:12:00.000-04:00

Today I drove into New York by myself for the first time to do some sightseeing and wandering by myself. I had it in my mind to go to the Guggenheim Museum because it's one of my favorite museums ever since I first visited years ago.

I was lucky enough to find a free parking spot on the street right next to the museum, although it was a pretty tight fit for my minivan. Maybe the next car I'll get will be a Mini Cooper. Then I found that the Guggenheim was mostly closed for renovations and exhibit installations, and only the first two floors were open. On the plus side, the admission was only $5, so I went in and saw their galleries of impressionist paintings from Cezanne, Degas and Matisse and some of the modern artists as well.

I came out of the museum and strolled across the street to Central Park, wandering on some of the paths until I came to the reservoir, where I snapped this picture:

I made my way up to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and signed up for a museum membership so I can visit whenever I want for free. I spent a few hours wandering and ate lunch in the cafeteria, which is surprisingly delicious and affordable. I had grilled salmon with asparagus and grilled Roma tomatoes.

I also went up to the roof garden for the first time in many years. I'd been there a long time ago with my cousin when I was visiting her. She was working as an intern for the Wall Street Journal in the World Trade Center towers back then. There is an exhibit up there by a Chinese artist that consists of three separate elements - a series of explosions producing black smoke that is launched at noon, a large glass monolith with fake dead birds lying at the base, and a pair of resin alligators stuck with all sorts of sharp objects that have been confiscated at airports. I wondered if you recognized a item that belonged to you, such as a unique pocket knife, would you be able to remove it and reclaim it? I wonder...

I left the Met and walked down Madison Avenue, stopping in a stationary store to look at jewelry boxes and writing paraphernalia. Eventually I made my way back to my car and drove back to Jersey.

Caprese and cricket bats

2007-04-30T20:00:00.000-04:00

I got some good news and bad news about the non-profit job today, mostly bad. I didn't get the job because they hired someone else, but they liked me enough where the director said she would see about giving me some freelance work and possibly a temporary position. The best case scenario would be if they were able to hire me for a temporary position and perhaps employ me until my SRS date. Kinda doubt that's going to happen, but it's a nice thought.

So after starting my day with that downer news, I decided to take action. I went out to the movie theater for the first time in many months to see X-Men 3. I'm not going to give away any spoilers, but my overall impression was that the film lacked subtlety. It was a lot of grand speechmaking and intense battles and the plot was a bit patchy. I wonder why it is that plots never seem to be as hokey in the comics as they sometimes are in the movies.

After the movie I went over to my storage facility to meet up with a woman who bought my TV entertainment center on Ebay for $26. Since my TV got busted I didn't need that piece of furniture anymore - what a waste that I brought it all the way from Houston and sold it before I ever used it again.

I came home to make caprese for lunch, which is an Italian dish usually served as an appetizer. The last time I had it was at an Italian restaurant with my ex-coworkers just before I left Houston. It's basically a salad layering fresh tomato slices, slices of fresh mozzerella cheese and fresh green basil leaves, drizzled with olive oil, balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper. I also added some sun-dried tomatoes, jumbo kalamata olives and green olives stuffed with garlic cloves. Here's what it looks like:

After lunch I tackled a project I've been meaning to work on - putting a new rubber grip on my cricket bat. My bat survived the fire with only a little cosmetic stain from the smoke , but the original rubber grip split from the heat. So I bought a new rubber grip, but I wasn't sure how to put it on. The grip is a rubber tube about 10 inches long and it fits tightly over the bat handle, which is made of strips of cane wrapped in twine. The problem is that there's too much resistance to simply slip it on and it's too thick to roll up into a donut to unroll onto the handle. So I surfed on the Internet to find a solution that someone posted on a bulletin board - I threaded a plastic grocery bag through the grip and then used the handles to pull the grip over the handle, using the plastic as a lubricant of sorts. Once the grip was in the correct position, I rolled up each end and cut the plastic away. Here's what it looks like now:

Now I just need to find someone to bowl a few overs with me - that's going to be a lot harder than putting a grip on.

City and country

2007-04-29T20:34:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a fun day, with a mix of city and country sights to see. We went to Lyndhurst, a Gothic Revival mansion overlooking the Hudson Valley on the New York side and spent a few hours touring the gardens, the conservatory and the grounds along the banks of the Hudson River. Then we went into the house and looked around, but ended up feeling harrassed by the personnel who clearly preferred that people restrict themselves to the guided tour instead of roaming around away from the crowds. Other than that and the stifling heat, it was a nice place to be.

From Lyndhurst we drove south into New York City, looking for a place to have lunch. We passed through Yonkers of all places, and I saw a cricket field where people were playing. I might have to go back and watch a game someday soon. We finally ended up driving all the way into midtown Manhattan and finding a free parking spot on the street near the public library so we could go to a Burger King.

After lunch, we took the subway down to Soho to check out Housing Works Bookstore, a rare and used book store that operates as a volunteer group to help people with AIDS. I bought a couple books about my current obsession, Buffy the Vampire Slayer - a Watcher's Guide for seasons three and four, and a collection of essays by sci-fi/fantasy writers and authors.

Afterwards, we walked a few blocks into Soho and had a light snack and tea at teany, a cute vegan-friendly tea house that was once owned by Moby, the recording artist. I had a lavender lemonade, since I was hot from all the walking and sun. After we had refreshed ourselves, we took the subway back to 39th Street where we had parked the car. Since we walked from the opposite block, I saw the Tall Girl Shop that Nexy told me about once, but unfortunately it was already closed. I took a peek in the window and it looks like they have some good stuff, but it's probably kinda expensive. Right next to it was a tall girl's shoe store - I guess that's a synergistic match. I'm definitely going to go back and visit both of them next time I visit the city.

First job assignment

2007-04-28T17:46:00.000-04:00

Hooray, I got a freelance job assignment from that non-profit group I've been interviewing with. I have a feeling that it's because the person they want to hire isn't available right away, and they have some work that is pressing - plus, I really kicked ass on their writing test, so they know I'm a good writer. Anyway, now I have to figure out what's fair in terms of payment. That's going to take a little research, so something for me to do tonight.

I went out this afternoon for some shopping. I've been having an itch to start playing some more sports the way I used to, just so I can keep in some decent shape before I turn into a marshmallow. So I went to the Sports Authority store and found a cheap Gamma carbon fiber tennis racquet and had it strung there. I used to have a top-of-the-line Wilson Hammer, but they don't make it anymore, and besides, I don't think anyone I'm likely to play with will be near my skill level so there's no point in getting a really good racquet. I also found a couple pairs of reasonably androgynous athletic shoes in my size that were on clearance. I tried on a pair of K2 inline skates, but I think I'll hold off on that - there's too many hills to climb, and I'm considering buying a tandem bicycle someday for that kind of outdoor aerobic workout.

After that I went to Costco and picked up a new pair of glasses, a black frame by Yves Saint Laurent that's a bit larger than my current Anna Sui specs. This new pair has regular non-prescription glass, making them much lighter than my prescription glasses, so these will be useful when I'm working out, swimming or when I want to wear sunglasses. I just look better with glasses, so now I can wear them everyday, even when I want to wear contact lenses. I also got some food, soap, shampoo and sunscreen.

It's been dreadfully hot here the last few days, and I'm hoping this is just an aberration. It doesn't seem fair that we have to have hot summers and freezing cold winters, but I suppose it's better than having no seasons at all, which is what Houston was like.

Oh, and X-Men 3 - a record-breaking $120 million opening weekend! Not bad for a Marvel movie, huh?

Job interviews

2007-04-27T23:31:00.000-04:00

Things are heating up again on the job front. Yesterday I interviewed with a well-known global PR firm that my former supervisor used to work for in the Houston office. I drove into the city and parked in a garage for the meeting. I talked with three people, including the general manager of the New York office, and it seemed that everyone clicked with me, in the sense that I brought the skills and experience they were looking for. In fact, one of the large clients that they are staffing up for was coming into the office today to interview prospective hires, and they suggested that I meet her as well. So I made plans to return the next day.

After my interviews, I took the subway down to the Tall Girls shop to browse around for a bit. I met the store manager Tameka and tried on a couple of pieces just for fit. Since they were going to close in less than an hour, and they had already closed the upper floor, I decided not to get anything but to come back the next day. So I got back to the garage to get my car, and the second I got into the car the sky opened up and it started pouring down rain - like thunder and lightning and the whole big show. It was pretty scary driving through the city at night in the rain, plus it was rush hour, so it took forever to get home.

Today I drove in again to meet the client and showed her my portfolio, and I think that went pretty well too. I also saw the GM in the hall and said hi, and he said everyone's feedback was very positive. So after a quick interview I just got back into the car and went home to avoid a repeat of yesterday, since the forecast was for afternoon thundershowers. I'll have to revisit Tall Girls another day. I have an interview with another big agency on Wednesday, so I scheduled another follow-up interview and taking the writing test on the same day, so I can combine trips. Any way you slice it, it's kind of expensive to go into the city, what with bridge or tunnel tolls, train and subway tickets or parking fees.

Tonight I put on a bathing suit for the first time in two years (my first girl suit ever) and went swimming in the hotel pool with my family. I'm not posting any pictures, but I was told that I look great, and I wasn't too nervous. My suit was a halter-top, two-piece skirt suit, black with white trim. Sitting in the spa was nice, and even though I'm not much for swimming, I had a lot of fun. Now I'm sleepy and I'm going to watch the rest of GoodFellas in bed.

New birth certificate

2007-04-26T15:04:00.000-04:00

With all the legal hoops I've jumped through in the past year, it shouldn't surprise me that I have to jump through some more just to get a New Jersey driver's license. I thought it would be easy, since I already have a valid Texas license in my new name (and we all know what a struggle that was). But no, it turns out it's a lot harder than it should be.

The New Jersey DMV requires five points of identification, including at least one primary document, which is a birth certificate or U.S. passport, but the list does not include another state's driver license. Since my passport is in my old name and with a 10-year-old picture of me, I need my birth certificate (which of course has my old name and was destroyed in the fire anyway). So I need to correct the name on my birth certificate and get a copy in order to get my new license.

Once I get a new birth certificate issued, my old one will be sealed so no one will be able to access it (including myself) without a court order. I might just get a copy of the old one first for nostalgia's sake, and so I can use it for astrological purposes. I don't know the time I was born, for example, or what hospital. Unfortunately, Arizona won't change the gender marker on a birth certificate without a court order, so I might have to go through the entire process of going to court and amending my new birth certificate and getting a new license after SRS. I think there's a real opportunity for some enterprising person to start a business just to help people change their names, not just TG people, but married women and people who change their names by choice.

Walking between raindrops

2007-04-25T02:16:00.000-04:00

Another day, another job interview. Today was just a quickie, about 30 minutes with the executive recruiter for one of the major global PR firms. She mentioned that their Dallas office is desperately looking for someone with energy experience, which I have in spades. She's going to see if they would want someone who can work for them out of the New York office. That would be kind of ironic if I moved myself all this way, only to get a job where I report to an office in Dallas.

I've finally figured out what probably every woman in Manhattan has already figured out - bring a pair of comfortable shoes to walk in and change in the elevator or the restroom before you arrive at your destination. It's even more important on days like today when it's raining, and any shoes you wear are going to get wet and soiled. So I wore my black Nike "Chuck Taylor"-style shoes outside and changed to my dress shoes in the building lobby.

Tomorrow I have another interview with the firm I talked to last week, and I'm going to take their writing test. They are probably the hottest job prospect right now. And today, while I'm driving through the Lincoln Tunnel from New Jersey to New York, I get calls from two recruiters who are trying to set up interviews for me. Amazingly, my cell phone works in the tunnel, which runs under the Hudson River. One of them booked a meeting for Monday afternoon, and the other one is trying to get me something at a New Jersey firm. That would be good for me because I wouldn't have to commute so long, but the pay will undoubtedly be lower, so it's a trade-off. But it would be so nice to spend less time on the train and fighting traffic.

I'm still dealing with all kinds of issues stemming from my move and transition. My mail has not yet been forwarded to my new address, despite two forwarding orders and two calls to the U.S. Post Office. Who knows how much mail I've lost at this point - I HATE the Post Office! No wonder "postal" is synonymous with rage killing. Also, I still haven't received my new health insurance card with my new name, although I can print a temporary one from the Web site. I also sent in a request to my endo in Houston to reissue my prescriptions in my girl name so they match my legal ID, so hopefully next month that will be corrected.

Despite all the problems and hurdles I've encountered, it's still such a thrill for me to be here, living a longed-for dream. I distinctly remember a moment this afternoon, walking on 51st Street on a windy, rainy day and looking at the dour faces of New Yorkers passing me on the street. I couldn't suppress a smile because of the joy I felt inside me, just to have this chance to live my life on my own terms. After so many years of pretending to be someone I'm not, and trying to fit my round self into a square life given to me, just the simple act of walking in the rain under my Monet Water Lilies umbrella is a gift.

Springwood Visit

2007-04-24T03:48:00.000-04:00

I had another interview today with a relatively big firm that represents Dunkin Donuts, among other clients. I only got to meet with the HR lady because the general manager was out sick. I suppose if I had called to confirm the appointment (which was arranged through a recruiter) then maybe I could have postponed the trip until the GM got back. But on the bright side, I found a really cheap parking garage in the area that I'll use from now on. It's only $16 for four hours, which I'm sure sounds expensive to you people in the Midwest, but trust me - for a minivan in New York, that is at least $10 to $15 less than what I've been paying at most garages for less time.

Sunday was one of those nearly perfect days that turned out beautifully in a combination of planning and luck. First we went into the city, and I had lunch with one of my favorite vegetarians at a restaurant at South Street Seaport. We sat out on the second story deck overlooking the East River, and watched the boats and water taxis go back and forth under the Brooklyn Bridge.

After lunch we drove up to Hyde Park just north of Poughkeepsie to visit Springwood, Franklin D. Roosevelt's home. It was a beautiful spring-like day, unlike the day we went to see Lyndhurst Castle, so the weather was about as perfect as it could be this late in the year, I'm told. We started in the gift shop, where my favorite item was a metal replica of a dime, but about four inches in diameter. It kind of reminded me of the giant penny in the Bat Cave, although on a much smaller scale.

We walked out on the grounds, stopping first at the rose garden where the president and his wife Eleanor are laid to rest. All the flowers were bursting into bloom and so fragrant.

Then we walked over to the residence, but we didn't have time that day to tour the house, so we went behind the house and gazed down into the field and wood behind the house, leading all the way to the eastern bank of the Hudson River.

We took a long walk through the woods, stopping to look at waterfalls, ponds and marshes before we finally reached railroad tracks. We went around the token fence that marked the end of the trail, crossed the tracks and came out on a rocky, secluded beach along the Hudson. We spent a good amount of time there, listening to the waves along the shore and the wind in the trees. Luckily, there were no trains running to disturb us. In the distance, we could see the Mid-Hudson Bridge that we had used to cross over from New Jersey to New York.

On the way back, we saw a lot of wildlife in the cool of the evening. We came across a rather large snake in a running stream that startled us, although it didn't appear to be poisonous. I saw a deer spring from hiding not 15 feet in front of me and bound up a hill before stopping to look back at me. We saw another deer and a turkey in the distance on the hill behind FDR's house. But the best show was after we had reached the car and we spotted a deer at the opposite end of the parking lot, grazing. We sat in the car watching her, and she slowly made her way toward us, walking slowly by about 20 feet away. When we finally began moving, we drove right up next to her on the way out and said goodbye.

We stopped at a city park to take some pictures of the Mid-Hudson Bridge before crossing it and then went to a very shiny chrome-plated diner for dinner, which was very good and reasonably priced. As we were leaving, since it was getting dark, we decided to visit Rockefeller Point in the Palisades to see the full moon, something we've talked of doing for many months. As it turned out, it was a perfect night for it - clear and cool with low humidity, and the moon lit up half the sky with its soft, preternatural light, casting shadows of trees on the ground. I can't take credit for this shot, but I wish I could:

So it was a very full day, quite exhausting, but only because we saw so many beautiful things that it was almost overwhelming. It's a day I'll remember, and hold in my heart, for a long, long time.

Drum roll, please...

2007-04-23T15:57:00.000-04:00

And the big news today is....

I GOT A JOB!!

The firm is the one I interviewed with last week. Looking back, I should have recognized the sign that I was going to get this gig - my last job in Houston started with an interview in the midst of a terrific thunderstorm. I remember driving to my old office back in 1999 and seeing this line of black clouds rolling toward me and getting into the parking garage just as it started to rain. Within minutes day had turned into night, and by the time I sat down with the president of the firm, the storm was raging furiously outside. Flashes of lightning blinded us during our conversation, and I was quite surprised actually, that he offered me a position on the spot. He had been my professor when I was getting my MBA, so he already knew me very well, and it turned out to be a good professional relationship for both of us.

So my new employer is one of the major global PR firms, a household name to anybody in the PR business, and they offered me a senior account supervisor position, which is the same position that I left Houston with. While I was certainly willing to take a lower title, it's nice to know that I won't have to suffer professionally due to my transition. I am very much looking forward to working for them.

We're going out tonight to celebrate, as this is obviously a big milestone for me. Having a job and the resumption of my professional career means that my social transition is largely complete. I still have a ways to go physically, and in some ways, emotionally, but progress like today's news certainly makes me stop and be thankful of all the good things that have happened to get me to this point.

I remember way back when I was just starting to transition reading Amber Chan's Web site amberspace, and her philosophy of transition. She compared life to a car race, and transition was like an extended pit stop to retool your car as quickly as possible and get back out on the track. While this analogy makes sense for her and other people who transition on the job and stay connected to their friends and birth family, it doesn't really apply to how I've approached it. While I've certainly approached transition with a certain urgency (my second anniversary on HRT is coming up in a few weeks), it became clear to me by the second half of 2005 that my new life was going to look a lot different than my old life. So instead of getting back onto the racetrack of life, my pit stop served to trade in my Formula One car for a Humvee so I can leap the track fence and head off into the wilderness to who knows where.

So the adventure continues ... thank you all for sharing the ride so far.

Touch the sound

2007-04-22T17:57:00.000-04:00

I had a little flurry of activity today, and saw a very inspiring movie called Touch the Sound, a documentary about Grammy-winning percussionist Evelyn Glennie, who is deaf. It explores her philosophy of making music through improvised sound, as well as improvised playing with many different people and with different kinds of instruments. Some of the things she uses to make her sounds are soda cans, chopsticks, rolls of writing paper, cups, dishes, and of course all manner of conventional percussion instruments (drums, cymbals, gongs, marimbas, etc.)

I had a passing interest in this type of improvised music when I was a child because my uncle used to experiment with sound in the same manner. At the time, I just thought he was making noise because he didn't know how to play. He was always very eccentric and had all kinds of funny ideas. But now that I'm older and I've had a bit more experience in seeing musicians like Glennie, Keith Jarrett and Gabriela Montero, I recognize the incredible amount of skill and talent it takes to master soundmaking to such a degree that music becomes completely intuitive. As for my uncle, he was still just a no-talent ass clown - but fortunately there are people close to me now who are much better practitioners of the art.

I went to the drugstore today to print a photo to include with my application for SRS with Brassard and mailed that off. While I was there I got my passport photos taken for when my SRS letter comes back. I also finished the first part of my freelance writing assignment and turned it in. Hopefully I can wrap that up in another week or so. I'm still waiting on the formal offer letter from the PR firm so I can secure a new apartment. I thought it was going to come today, but I guess I will have to wait until tomorrow.

New apartment

2007-04-21T16:07:00.000-04:00

Another busy day preparing for the next phase of my life. I got the formal job offer late yesterday, and the hard copies via FedEx this morning, so I went to the apartment complex I scoped out in February to see about getting a new place. For new readers: I had gotten a job offer back in February and put a deposit down on this apartment before having the offer rescinded a few days later ("Bad news" - Feb. 5, 2006)

So this time I got an apartment, but it wasn't quite as nice as the one I was to have back in February. That one back then had a nice view of the woods behind the complex, and this one has a view of the courtyard. This one is also a little bit bigger and a little more expensive than I really need for just myself, but I can deal with that. On the plus side, it has a fireplace and vaulted ceilings (which the last one had too), but it's all they had opening up in the next few weeks. Apartments are harder to get in the summertime, it seems. While I would love to have a view, I can't really do anything else at this point. I'll probably only be here a year anyway until I buy a permanent place, assuming I decide to stay here.

So today, besides working on my freelance assignment (my contact was so pleased with my work so far that she asked me to take on a couple more things, for a few dollars more) I'm calling moving companies to get quotes and calling recruiters and people I've interviewed with recently to let them know about the job offer. At some point I'm also going to plan a trip to Ohio to visit my friends, if I can squeeze it in before my move-in date.

Alright, back to work for me - it's been a good day so far, and I hope it continues.

Shopping day

2007-04-20T02:54:00.000-04:00

It was a fun day out with my family on Saturday as we were shopping for several things, an air conditioner, some computer speakers, books and music. We went to Costco and I decided to exchange my red Anna Sui glasses for another pair, a square-lens model by Burberry. The problem with my red glasses is that they pinch at the bridge of my nose and leave a dent when I wear them too long. The Burberrys have silicon nose pads that keep the frame away from my face a bit. Besides, they look a little more sophisticated anyway. The optomotrist at Costco was so nice too - not only did she suggest the exchange, but she also changed my name in their records and extended my prescription so they could make my new glasses.

I also got A Prairie Home Companion Original Soundrack CD and DVD set from Barnes & Noble, since I enjoyed seeing the movie last week. Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly singing "Bad Jokes" is simply priceless. I also bought this book, Beauty: The New Basics that I've been looking at for a while. It's a nice reference book of tips on everything from hair to makeup to skincare. It has a lot of basic information that most books assume you know already, which of course, I don't.

Some shoes I had ordered from Shoebuy.com came in today - unfortunately, one was the wrong color. One is a pair of tennis shoes to wear for serious sports playing, and the other was a running shoe for casual wear. I'm not really a runner - I abuse my feet enough wearing heels. But it's nice having cute running shoes to wear instead of the neutral men's style shoes I currently wear for walking around.

I guess it's fitting that my "transition vacation" has been almost exactly nine months long. In the past nine months I've spent most of my time dismantling my old persona and practicing how to project the appearance of the person I feel I am inside to get my body aligned with my soul. I've dissolved ties to one family and forged new bonds with another. I've legally changed my name and all my documentation to reflect that. I've moved 1,700 miles and went from working for a small PR firm with two offices in Texas to a big-time New York agency with offices in more than 30 countries around the world. In short, I've created a new life from the ashes of my old one.

As I prepare to re-enter the working world, I'm starting to feel the time growing short that I will be able to sleep late and goof around all day, every day. I used to think I wasn't being very productive with my time off, being bored and all that. But when I look back on everything I did during this incubation, I realize I have made some dramatic changes and things progressed the way they were meant to. For a long time I wasn't really able to enjoy my time off with everything that was hanging over me. But I think now that I will finally be able to enjoy these last two weeks of my vacation before going back to work.

Midsummer at the Met

2007-04-19T02:53:00.000-04:00

I spent a lovely day at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in celebration of Midsummer today (Wednesday). We made it a point to visit some of the rooms that we normally miss when we go to see our favorites. We saw a very cool temporary exhibit called AngloMania which highlighted British fashion over the last 30 years - everything from formal gowns to crazy punk rock outfits. There's also an exhibit of an Egyptian ruler named Hatshepsut the great female pharaoh of Egypt's 18th dynasty who ruled for 20 years.

The coolest thing I found today was a room in the Frank Lloyd Wright wing that was a 360 degree painting from the Palace and Gardens of Versailles in France. The artist stood in the middle of the formal gardens behind the palace and painted two massive curved canvases, totaling 165 feet in length. One showed the view of the rear of the palace, and the other showed the gardens, cone-shaped trees and fountains stretching down the hill and the countryside in the distance. If you stood in the middle of the room and looked around, it was almost like being there. I have actually visited that palace in France many years ago, but when I went it was winter and it was not as green and lush as the painting portrays. But it was a wonderful experience of deja vu seeing it again.

There is also a lovely exhibition of works by Raphael (scroll down for the link from the special exhibits page) that just started yesterday. We came across it near closing time, so we decided that we're going to go back so we can do justice to that one next time. I'm looking forward to seeing that.

Test run

2007-04-17T19:01:00.000-04:00

This morning I got up at 6 a.m. to conduct a test run, since this is the last regular work day while I'm here before I actually have to show up for work on Wednesday, July 5. I've never successfully been able to take the train into Midtown by myself during rush hour, so I just needed the practice. And everything pretty much went okay - I did have to get off the train I was on in order not to go to Hoboken and hop on another train to get to Penn Station in New York. Also, I got on the right subway train (the E line) but I wasn't certain that it was headed in the right direction, so I got off, checked the map and found out that it was indeed the right direction, so I had to wait for the next one to continue. So despite my inexperience, I still managed to get to the office at 8:45, just 15 minutes later than I expected to. Once I get the routine down, I should be fine.

Since I was in the city with some time to kill, I went up to the Met again to buy some presents for my friends whom I'll be visiting next week and to enjoy the uncrowded museum. People actually begin lining up at around 9 a.m. in order to get in the museum by 9:30 when it opens. It's like an amusement park for art lovers. It was oddly surreal to be walking through some of the great halls all alone - that's not a common experience unless you are one of the first people in the door, which I was today.

Afterward I went to the big FAO Schwartz store on 5th Avenue (as seen in the movie Big) to look for a replacement stuffed bear, but unfortunately, I couldn't find him. I might have to visit the Gund factory in Edison, New Jersey to find the particular bear that I want. I stopped for lunch at Subway, when browsed in the Tall Girls shop, but didn't find anything worth buying. When I left the store, it was starting to rain, so I walked back to Penn Station and found that I'd just missed the 12:40 p.m. train and had to sit and wait for an hour for the next one.

When I got back, I found that my office had sent me an employment package with all my first day forms to fill out, so I guess I'll look over those next week - there's a lot of forms. Also, I got a shipment of DVDs that included two of my favorite British comedies, Love Actually and Bridget Jones' Diary, plus a movie I was watching on HBO the other day, The Crucible. If you want to see a cautionary tale about how crazy religious zealots can get in the name of their God, this story (based on a play by Arthur Miller about the Salem witch trials) stands as one of the best examples out there.

I'm still here...

2007-04-16T20:45:00.000-04:00

It's been a busy time since my last post - after getting back from a short visit in Ohio, on Friday we went to the American Museum of Natural Science in New York and watched a couple of shows there, an IMAX movie on caves, and a planetarium show called "Cosmic Collisions." The museum is huge, and we didn't have a lot of time, so we couldn't really see very much during the few hours we were there. We did see the dinosaur bones, the aquatic life exhibit, the mammals, some early American cultures, and part of the space exhibit, but there is so much more that we didn't get to. It's the kind of museum you could visit every week for the rest of your life and never see everything, because they are constantly changing and updating their space, and it's three stories tall. I'll post some pictures of that later.

Over the holiday weekend, I've been busy setting up my new apartment. I moved in Saturday morning, and my family helped unpack all afternoon. I also got a plasma TV from Costco, and we set it up on my new TV stand, and unpacked my subwoofers that had been delivered by mail. The rest of the weekend I've been alternating by unpacking stuff and buying new things, like bookcases and drawers from IKEA and household stuff from Target. There's still a lot to be done, but it's all getting there. I'm sure I'll be busy with it for quite a while.

One thing that is not yet done is Internet access - I haven't been able to get a hold of the cable company to come out and hook me up. I'm writing this from my family's house, so I just wanted to let everyone know that I'll be on hiatus until I get my net access at my apartment, which should be in a week or two.

Last bit of news - I got my letter confirming my SRS date from Dr. Brassard's office, so now I'm ready to start tackling the passport/driver's license quest. If only it had come earlier, I could have done all that while I wasn't working. Now I'll have to find time inside the workday to do it. Bleh.

First week on the job

2007-04-15T15:45:00.000-04:00

It's Friday at the end of my first half-week in my new office, and a lot has happened. It's certainly a mixed blessing working again. On the one hand, it's good that I don't have my unemployment hanging over my head, and that I'm getting back into the rhythm of a "normal" life, instead of remaining a lady of leisure. On the other hand, it's kind of tough waking up at 6 a.m. each morning to get ready and catch the train to New York at 7:30 a.m. If I were to miss that train, the next one doesn't appear for about 20 minutes, and then I would be really late to work.

So Wednesday was my first day at work, and there were no problems getting in, although the rain made it a bit soggy. There was even a drip in the roof of the train, but luckily not where I was sitting. It's an hour's ride into the city, and when I get on the train is completely empty but by the time I reach Seacaucus there are usually people standing in the aisle for lack of seats. After pulling into Penn Station I take the "E" subway line for about five stops to Lexington Avenue - that puts me less than a block away from the office. Unfortunately, the subway is always crowded, like sardines in a can. Good thing that it's a short ride because otherwise I'd probably scream.

So once I arrived at the office on Wednesday, we had an orientation presentation that lasted all morning. We went down to have our pictures taken for our building IDs, and got another ID card to get into the office. So now I have to carry around three transponder tags - one for the building, the office and my parking garage at my apartment. I wish they could make these things smaller.

Thursday I took care of my passport request at the post office next to my office - I should get my new passport in a couple weeks, and it should have my correct name and gender on it. When the mail clerk compared my new passport photo with the one of me taken ten years ago, all she could say was "big difference!" to which I replied, "that’s why I need a new passport."

Another thing that happened yesterday was that I met a girl named Michele (there are three Micheles in this office, and I'm the fourth, but my name is the only one spelled with two L's) who captains the company softball team. She recruited me to play on Wednesday nights - they play teams from other companies in parks all around Manhattan. I used to be a pretty good softball player in my previous life, but I don't know how good I'll be in this body. Still, at least it's a good way to meet some people outside the office and get some exercise. Should make for some interesting blog entries in the future.

On the train ride home I met a young redhead named Marjorie who rides the train from Secaucus to Bloomfield, where she lives with her family. She just graduated from college with a degree in photography and she's working as a stock photographer for a graphic design company in Seacaucus. We chatted for a bit, and she gave me her card in case I ever wanted to hang out. So it was nice that I met a new friend after only two days riding the train.

Today it's a beautiful day in New York, sunny and breezy, and I enjoyed a short walk around the block at lunchtime. I had a slice of pizza at RayBari's Pizza, which is a family-owned chain spun off the famous Ray's Pizza. Pizza aficionados know what I'm talking about. I also moved from my temporary cubicle into a private office, which is a nice perk even though there's no window. Thank goodness too, because the woman in the next cube was starting to drive me crazy. She is constantly on the phone with personal calls, and she talks about all sorts of unpleasantness using profanity and harsh language. While it may not be directed at me, it's very distracting in the workplace, and I'm glad to be away from it.

Two-year anniversary

2007-04-14T11:35:00.000-04:00

Ahhh, the first weekend. I slept until 9:30, which is four hours later than I normally do. Damn, I miss the days I could sleep until 2 p.m., and often did.

Things are going well at work, and I enjoy meeting new people every day. It's always a little difficult, because I have to be so cagey about my past. I don't talk about my ex or my son, and of course I don't talk about my transition. Generally, people like talking about themselves more than hearing about me, so I just let them do the talking.

My friend Nexy recently posted how she felt transition was something that never really ends. I'd agree with that to a point. My feeling is that transition "ends" once you have reasonably established your new identity, are living full-time, and don't have any more major transition-related events ahead of you. To me, transition is not a state of being - it's a process that has a fairly definite beginning and ending. While I have had trans thoughts my entire life, thinking about transition and even planning for it doesn't qualify as the beginning for me. The beginning is when you take some kind of action with the intent to transition. And for me, the second anniversary of that date is today - July 15 - when I took my first tiny blue estradiol pill with the intention to continue for the rest of my life.

To me, this is a milestone apart from losing weight, growing hair out, getting nails done or even experimenting with herbal hormones, all of which I did prior to July 15, 2004. Those things could all be reversed quite easily, and even though the herbals had an immediate effect on me, my intent in taking them was to experiment, not to continue on them indefinitely. For me, the end of my transition will be once I get my SRS in January. At that point, there are no more meaningful milestones to mark my forward progress. I will already have my corrected passport, social security card and driver's license by that point (hopefully!) and the only legal document left to correct would be my birth certificate and that's hardly a commonly used document. That's not to say there won't be plenty of little milestones after that, but they will be milestones primarily of a woman starting a new life, not of a man turning into a woman - first time having intercourse, first mammogram, first trip to the gynocologist, etc.

I agree with Nexy that I will never be a "normal" woman in every sense of the word. I will always be a trans-woman with a unique perspective and special needs on many things. But I knew going into transition that it would be like that. Would I choose to be a "normal" woman if given the hypothetical choice? I used to say yes unequivocably but now I'm not sure I would. The biggest difference between me and most women (the ability to bear children) isn't important to me, so that's a wash. The ongoing physical differences have pros and cons on both sides (dealing with menstruation and cramps vs. dilation, for example) and I'll admit I'd love to have a more feminine shape than I already have (which is pretty darn feminine - I'm just greedy). But who's to say if I'd been born female I wouldn't now have a butt the size of Texas or be equally dissatisfied with my looks but for other reasons (as most women are!)

Plus, a lot of who I am and my own personal sense of contentment is derived from overcoming the obstacles I've faced to get where I am. If I'd not had to go through transition, if I'd been physically a girl all my life, I'd probably take my mind/body congruence for granted, and who knows what kind of person I'd have turned out to be? Part of what makes me smile every day is appreciating the life that I've worked so hard and endured so much to build. The other part comes from being with the people I love and who care about me, and I'm luckier than most that I've found people in this world who truly love me.

Anniversary, part 2

2007-04-13T15:22:00.000-04:00

It's fitting that on this day, my second anniversary (see post below) I just received my new passport with my correct name and gender - yay! What a long, hard road it's been to get legal recognition of my new identity, but it's finally done. Now I can get my new license and I can finally get rid of the dreaded "M" on all my records.

Notice that the passport expires in 12 months, as opposed to a normal 10-year term. I have to send in proof of SRS within that time in order to get a new one reissued. All in all, the passport process has been surprisingly easy, compared to everything else. Of course, the hardest part was getting the name change in court as part of the divorce. I'm just dancing on clouds today, I'm so happy!

Stardust

2007-04-12T15:26:00.000-04:00

I just started reading Neil Gaiman's blog (yes, it's still slow here at the office) and I was excited to see that they are filming his book Stardust. That was the first of his books that I read and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I went on to become addicted to his Sandman series, and I'm looking forward to collecting the Absolute Editions in hardcover later this year. Here's a photo from the upcoming movie:

It looks like a very strong cast, including Michelle Pfieffer, Robert de Niro, Claire Danes and Rupert Everett, although the lead actor and director are relatively unknown outside the UK. It's supposed to be released in 2007, so I'll have plenty of time to re-read the book again in anticipation, perhaps pick up a copy of the original illustrated version Gaiman did with artist Charles Vess.

Nightmare commute

2007-04-11T12:33:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was probably the worst day I had in the city so far. Monday night there was a big storm while we were in a movie theater watching Superman Returns (which was great, by the way). It knocked down trees over the railway lines for the train I use to get to Penn Station, although I didn't know it at the time. The next morning I went to the station as usual and was surprised to see all the TV news trucks in the parking lot, and I knew something was up. Listening to the other passengers talk, I found out about the mishap and was forced to board the next train to Hoboken so I could switch trains at Newark to get to New York.

So my morning commute was about 30 minutes longer and a lot more stressful than it usually is. Then, once I got to Penn Station, I found out that there's been some trouble with the power in New York (perhaps due to power conservation due to the heat wave) and some of the subway trains are not running. My line was still operating, but since concurrent lines aren't and I was late getting in, the platform is terribly crowded. So we packed ourselves in like sardines, but it wasn't as bad as the afternoon trip. When I left the office at 5 p.m. and got on the train, everyone was sweating profusely from the heat of the day. It wasn't very pleasant being squished in with a lot of sweaty guys in a train car so tightly that I didn't have to hold the rail since there was no room to fall down. I mean, we were so close together that my boobs were grazing people left and right.

I had planned to try and get home early in order to visit the DMV to get my new driver license. Since the subway was running slowly, I made it to Penn Station with only a few minutes to spare for my commuter train. I ran through the terminal and glanced quickly at the information screen and headed down to the platform. I got on the train and felt relieved, until I heard people around me saying that the information screen had earlier flashed up the wrong track number. I asked a man sitting next to me which train this was, and it was the wrong train. I got up just in time to see my train pulling away on the adjacent track, and had no choice but to go back upstairs and wait for 30 minutes for the next train. Needless to say, I missed going to the DMV because it had already closed by the time I got home.

So today, both the commute and the weather are much better. It's only 79 degrees at lunchtime in Midtown, and the trains were running normally again. Days like yesterday make normal days feel like I've died and gone to heaven. Hopefully I won't have another day like that for a long time, but I know it's all a part of living up here.

New license, part 2

2007-04-10T00:54:00.000-04:00

It's been a pretty weird day, lots of ups and downs. It started off with another big milestone - I got my driver license with the elusive "F" under the sex. Best of all, it was a very easy process since I had my correct passport and all my documentation to prove my identity - social security card, utility bill, etc. The only discrepancy was that my old license still had the "M" on it, but no one seemed to notice. My appearance, plus the fact that every other document I had said female (notably the passport), allowed them to just assume it was a mistake without my having to lie by telling them it was a typo (which would have been a criminal offense, actually).

I have to thank my friend Nexy Jo for the original idea she suggested about getting a date from my SRS surgeon in order to secure a temporary passport with the corrected gender. In all my research I'd never come across that strategy. I'm really glad that I didn't pay an attorney to try and change it. So I'm hoping that my experience benefits other trans people who are trying to change their documentation to match their preferred gender. Getting the gender marker changed before SRS was something I didn't think could be done, but I was wrong. So, thank you Nexy! (applause)

After that chore was done (and it only took an hour at the DMV, which I've been told is unheard of) I was supposed to visit a local art museum with Marjorie, a girl I met on the train a few weeks back. I was on my way when she calls and invites me instead to join her and her friends to see "The Devil Wears Prada." Since I wasn't really in the mood for a movie, plus I don't know what her friends are like, I politely declined.

I had another run-in with IKEA today - I returned some unused shelves and bought a desk lamp, but when I got it home I discovered it was missing some parts, so I have to go back once again. I think I'm going to actively start avoiding that place - it's not like I can't find stuff they sell elsewhere. This is just ridiculous.

I also went to the post office to pick up a letter and while I was there, I bought the new DC superhero stamp collection as a gift for the DC comic fan in my life. When I got them, the guy who was behind me in line came up to the counter and admired them over my shoulder, while another man who was standing at the next window with his wife came over and looked at them too. I think they thought it was pretty cool that a girl was buying them. Sometimes it's fun to blow people's expectations out of the water.

This evening has been very productive - I've been doing laundry, vaccuming and putting down drawer liners. I also installed a new shower head, fixed the leg on my bookshelf, unpacked my guitar and cleaned up my closets so I could put my vaccum away and find a place for my unpacked plastic tubs. Slowly, this apartment is getting into the spartan condition that I want it to be, with all the clutter put away properly and everything looking clean and orderly. What with all the cabinets, shelves, dressers and wardrobes I've bought and built recently, there's no reason for anything to be left out. Hopefully in another few days I'll have it all organized properly.

Working girl woes

2007-04-09T17:21:00.000-04:00

It's been a trying few days since my last post, mostly work stuff. I had a run-in with one of the vice presidents who called me on Sunday and chewed me out when she really didn't have any right to. It's a bit of a long story, and not terribly interesting. It seems that I get along with my male VPs and SVPs much better than the female VPs or women at my level. I guess it's a territorial thing - men don't see me as a threat, but women do (I suppose because of the notion that there's only room for a certain number of women at the top). So I'm going to be more careful around some of the women around here, because I'm sure some of them wouldn't hesitate to stab me in the back if I let them get too close to me.

I had a major screw up today by leaving my rail passes and building ID in my car this morning. Luckily, the train conductor let me stay on without having to buy a ticket - I guess he remembers my face since I ride it every morning. I had to buy a new subway ticket and apply for a visitor pass at my building though. Another lesson learned, I suppose.

I've been eating these terrific Thai lunches from a company called New England Herbal Foods that I found at Costco. The best part is that they don't have to be refrigerated or frozen, so I can load up a bunch of them in my office and eat them for lunch without having to use the icebox. They taste surprisingly good, and it's made from all natural ingredients with no preservatives. I just wish each portion was larger, because I could eat two of them easily for lunch.

I guess this weekend I'll be going to the DMV again to transfer my title and register my minivan, Yoshi (because he's green and a Honda). I'm also still waiting on my university diplomas which I ordered back in April - I called them today and I'm continuing to get the runaround. And, I have to fax my info to Southwest Airlines, because they lost the letter I'd sent them last month that included my court order and request to change the name on my Rapid Rewards account. It's just a neverending battle to get all this stuff done.

Car and commute

2007-04-08T13:15:00.000-04:00

It's been pretty quiet here lately, so that's why I haven't been writing. Last weekend I transferred my title on my car, and today I just got my car insurance policy activated (surprisingly, it costs the same as in Texas - apparently I have stellar credit and a good driving record, even under my girl name) so this weekend I can finally get my car registered with New Jersey license plates and all that. I also need to have my car photographed (which I thought was peculiar, but it's how it's done in NJ) and inspected, plus I need to pick up my prescriptions. Hopefully they won't have screwed it up like they did last time.

As you might have heard in the news, New York is sweltering under a record heat wave, and that has made my lunch outings quite unpleasant. I'm not in the habit of checking the weather report because in Houston there was no need to. You got in the car, which was right outside your door, drove a few blocks and parked in a garage. You generally weren't outside for more than five minutes at a time, unless you wanted to be. So on Tuesday I made the mistake of wearing a long-sleeve black shirt with my slacks, and I decided to walk to the tailor on my lunch break to make alternations on a pair of pants I'd just bought this weekend at Old Navy. The alterations cost about as much as the pants did, but there's nothing for it - most clothes just aren't going to fit me right off the rack.

So by the time I'd walked six blocks to the tailor I was about to die of heatstroke. It was so bad that on the way back I ducked into Banana Republic, then the Gap and finally New York & Company to cool off and to shop for a new top to wear. I found a cream-colored, wrap-front, short-sleeve knit top that I bought and wore out of the store, just so I didn't have to wear that black shirt again for the rest of the day.

Last week I also played my first softball game on the company team. They put me at second base, a position I'd never played before. I used to play shortstop, but I guess the team captain figured she needed a guy at that position. That actually worked out well because I was so rusty after no playing for more than 10 years - I let a grounder go under my glove for my first error, then dropped a feed from shortstop that hit me in the face and almost knocked my glasses off (the toss was bad, but I should have handled it). However, I did catch three short infield fly balls during the game, and almost turned a double play, missing the runner at first by a step. But we didn't hit well (I was 1 for 3 with a fielder's choice) and eventually lost by mercy rule since the other team kept pounding the ball past our outfielders. We were also shorthanded with only eight players, so we had to borrow a catcher from the other team.

As I wrote to a friend recently, between work, play and my killer commute, I haven't had much free time lately for blogging, especially compared to how I was before I started working. Nowadays, I get up at 5:30 a.m. every day, rush out the door to catch a 6:48 a.m. train, then come home at 7 p.m. (if I'm lucky and don't have to work late). That leaves me about two or three hours to either make and eat dinner by myself or hang out with my family for a while and maybe watch some TV. Then it's shower and in bed by 10 p.m., but it's usually a bit later than that. During the week, I don't even turn on my computer at home and I try to stay productive at work so I can go home on time.

Despite my busy schedule, things have been pretty good for me, even with this interminable heat wave. It still thrills me that I've been able to shed my old life and start anew in New York, of all places. It still makes me happy to look at myself in the mirror, or when people call me Michelle and treat me like a girl. I think there will always be a part of me that will feel this way, and that's the part that makes it easier to bear all the other challenges in my life.

Flirting

2007-04-07T23:47:00.000-04:00

Being a girl certainly has some perks to it. Today I took advantage of one of them, probably for the first time - I flirted with a man to get something I wanted.

The story began on Tuesday, which was payday, and only my second since starting work. I'm still trying to get paid for my freelance work this summer - one of the hassles of being a freelancer is hunting down your paychecks. So I set up my direct deposit to put the money in one of my two checking accounts (I have two checking accounts and a savings account, I'll explain why in a minute). After the money showed up in my account, I immediately transferred the bulk of it to my other checking account.

The reason for this is that I don't want to keep a lot of money in any account where another entity (in this case, my employer) has access to the account. Setting up a direct deposit service means that funds can also be taken out of the account if there's an overpayment. By limiting the funds in that "public" account, I can avoid having money taken out "by mistake" through this direct deposit relationship. It might sound paranoid, but my old boss Pam had this happen to her, where the payroll provider actually took money back out of her account. That sort of thing gives me the heebie-jeebies - I don't like other people touching my money. Also, I only keep enough money in the "private" checking account to pay my bills, and I keep the bulk of my money in my savings account because I earn the most interest there.

So what happened is that I wrote a check from the wrong account to pay my rent, and I got charged $30 for insufficient funds in the account, and another $30 for an overdraft fee. For a variety of reasons, I didn't think I was entirely at fault, so at lunchtime I walked to the bank branch near my office in New York. I'd dealt with the manager there last week to get a new ATM card - his name is David Lee, which must be among the five most common names in the world.

I went in and explained my situation, and I asked him to take both charges off. He said, somewhat jokingly, "For you, Michelle, anything!" While I would say that I've always been persuasive (especially in the field of consumerism), I could tell that there was some flirting happening on both sides. We talked about the weather, life in Manhattan, and his desire to visit a friend in Hawaii. I gave him my business card and explained what my company does, and he gave me his card with the bank's back-door phone number on it.

I've always felt that you get a lot further in the world with kindness than intimidation, and now I'm finding that a little flirting can help grease the skids too. Not that I'm ever going to be anyone's idea of a femme fatale, like the women in Frank Miller's Sin City, which I've just finished reading the entire seven-book series. I'll probably never even be as bold as my friend Joanna, who once got free convention tickets by flashing some cleavage to the right person (even though she's actually one of the most modest girls I know) but it's nice to know I have enough sex appeal to get some bank charges refunded.

Midnight Ramble

2007-04-06T08:54:00.000-04:00

I had a great time on Saturday and pretty much spent all of Sunday recovering from it. First thing I did is take my car to be photographed for my insurance. The guy asked me if I had a trailer hitch on the car and said, "Normally I wouldn't ask that when it's a minivan, but since you're from Texas..." There seem to be a lot of preconceived notions about people from Texas, some true and some not. It's true we do have a lot of pickup trucks in Texas, and some of them actually do have shotgun racks installed in the rear windows. But aside from my love of spicy food and tendency to say "y'all" I don't really have much in common with those folks. I only had a trailer hitch so I could carry my recumbent tandem bicycle that was lost in the fire.

After Yoshi's close-up, I went to the DMV and finished my registration, which was waiting on my getting insurance. The lady helping me was a total bitch, clearly a burnout case. I wouldn't be surprised if she went postal someday. After getting my new license plates, I went outside to get Yoshi inspected. It turned out that his rear center brake light was out, so now I'm going to have to waste another Saturday getting that fixed and bringing him back to the inspection station. What a bother!

The rest of the afternoon I picked up my prescriptions (which were correct this month, thank goodness) and did some shopping at TJ Maxx. I bought a dark green wrap shirt top, which I liked so much that I just wore it the rest of the day. I also got a pair of yellow-brown slacks that I took immediately to the tailor, along with another pair I'd bought earlier in the week, to lengthen. A couple other things I bought didn't fit right, so I'll have to take them back next weekend.

In the evening, we drove up to Woodstock in New York to attend Levon Helm's Midnight Ramble concert. This is an intimate affair at Levon's house that happens every two weeks, and only about 100 people or so get to attend. We had a lovely drive up through the Catskill Mountains at sunset, and arrived as the first opening act was finishing up. The concert takes place in a lodge-style house converted to a studio/performance venue. The bands perform in the center of the room, with rows of chairs set up in front and to the sides, and more room in a balcony overlooking them. Behind them is an elevated backstage area for the musicians and their families. The structure resembles a ski lodge, and blends in nicely with the surrounding woods (there were signs posted in the grassy parking area warning of a bear and cubs wandering about).

The music was mostly blues standards, with a few rock'n'roll and gospel songs mixed in by the various performers. We stood in the balcony along the railing overlooking stage right, directly above the drumset, and for most of the night were treated to watching Levon play the drums with an ease and fluidity that was astonishing. The show wrapped up a little after midnight after one encore, and I got home at about 2:30 a.m.

Sunday I got up at 10:30 a.m., which really kind of threw off my sleep pattern. I felt really tired and lethargic all day, as did everyone else. We watched a baseball game, and I finished my laundry and putting things away. I also made some chili and ate about 3/4 of the pot. That might have contributed to the lethargy. It was also time for my bi-weekly shot of delestrogen, so I took care of that.

All in all, it was a very memorable weekend, since it was the first time in years that I've seen live music in any kind of forum. I don't go out to clubs and I rarely attend concerts, and when I do, I'm more apt to see the symphony, a Broadway show or an opera. Plus, the concerts that I have attended in my lifetime generally were when I was younger and so they were not very good bands: Billy Idol, Heart, Harry Connick Jr., U2 (the ZooTV tour in the Astrodome), Debbie Gibson and Chicago (at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, so that barely counts as a concert), those are about the only ones I can remember seeing live. In recent years I've been introduced to much better concerts on DVD, but there's nothing quite like seeing music live, of course. I expect that there will be much better concerts in my future than there have been in my past.

Announcements

2007-04-05T10:02:00.000-04:00

Before I get started on my entry, I'd like to mention two things that are overdue.

First I wanted to wish my friend Mandy a happy birthday - her 25th birthday was on August 11. I found Mandy through mutual online friends, and we've known each other since early 2005. Mandy went through transition about a year before I did, and it had a lot of rough patches. Yet despite all the challenges that life continues to throw at her, she perseveres and doesn't let anyone or anything get in her way. She is really one of the bravest people I know. She's also beautiful, someone who showed me that t-girls who transition out of their teens don't have to look like men in drag, as so many of the ones I'd seen up until that time did. She was one of the first people in my life who made me realize that I could transition and be perceived as a "normal" girl and not a freak.

The second announcement is that my friend Alessandra is getting married! She has also gone through some difficult times in recent years unrelated to her transition (she transitioned about nine years ago at age 14) - her health, her family life and her first marriage have all taken a toll on her. But after going through a lot of it with her since we started being friends in late 2004, I am hopeful that this is the start of a positive chapter in her life.

As for me, I know I've been rather delinquent on this blog, but it's going to be an ongoing trend I'm afraid. It shouldn't come as any surprise to regular readers that in contrast to the period of my life when I started this blog and now, it's like night and day in terms of my attitude toward, and availability of free time. When I started this blog in January 2005 I was in a very comfortable place in my life in some ways, and yet going through a period of tremendous inner turmoil. Then after the fire in April, things started to change. My family split up, I started living by myself in an apartment, and I went into what I call my cocoon period when I worked on my gender transition. During much of that time I was very much alone, in terms of having physical proximity to close confidants and people I considered family.

However, since starting work in July and being here with my adopted family, I have had little desire to spend my suddenly scarce free time puttering on the computer. This is probably a reaction from the bygone days where I was alone in my Houston apartment, spending entire days online chatting, blogging and surfing the Net. Today I'm much more likely to be hanging out with my family, cooking, shopping or reading a book than be online. In short, my life has become a lot less about documenting my transition and more about actually living it.

There are still things I want to write in here, thoughts that occur to me in my relatively rare position of being someone who has lived on both sides of the gender line. For example, I still have times when I struggle with the complexities of being a girl. Yesterday I wore a very low-cut wrap top and forgot to wear a camisole underneath it, so the whole day I noticed men staring at my chest and it became very embarrassing for me. It's interesting how I'm slowly evolving away from that mindset of wanting to see a woman's breasts since I see them in the mirror every day. I find that now I can look at a picture of a nude woman and not actually be aroused, but just appreciate the beauty of the female form - its sensuous curves and mysterious details. And of course I can't help but feel a touch of envy seeing things I know I'll never have - wide hips, a narrow waist, a natural shape - but realize that in that respect, I'm probably not much different from any other woman who is insecure about her looks.

So I just wanted the few people who read this blog to take note that there's a reason why I'm not posting as often as I used to. Life demands time to live, and I intend to live it to the fullest. It's important to me to find balance, and to get on with my life in the real world.

Down with Elmo

2007-04-04T16:01:00.000-04:00

As an adult who was, up until about 18 months ago, watching Sesame Street each morning, this article in the Los Angeles Times made me laugh out loud.

Joel Stein: Elmo is an evildoer