: Getting personal :
People are often curious as to what it feels like to be transsexual. As I said, the experience is different for everybody, so I can only speak for myself. I wrote a letter to a family member back in March, and it basically sums up my feelings on how I feel about it.
There is no test, no way to obtain conclusive evidence of gender dysphoria. I wish it were that simple - that would certainly solve a lot of our problems if we removed all uncertainty about our condition. However, gender dysphoria is listed in the latest version of the DSM-IV, starting on page 576 in the section on Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders. There is widespread clinical evidence that the condition exists - 1 in 30,000 is the most common statement of prevalence. You could sooner deny the existence of GID as you could of homosexuality - they are very similar in nature. Just as it took many decades for homosexuality to be removed from the list of mental illnesses, I expect it will take many years for GID to be properly understood by the majority of the medical profession. But just because I can't take a pill to "cure" my GID doesn't make it any less real.
Intersexed people are less common than those with GID. These are people whose bodies have been affected by the presence or absence of certain sex hormones in utero or have a chromosomal anomaly that results in variations such as XXY (Klienfelder's syndrome) or XO (missing Y chromosome, called Turner's syndrome) instead of the more common XY or XX. I have gotten to know several such individuals online. This is a completely different condition than what I have. My body is normal, my brain is what has been affected. Hormones affect every tissue in the body, so it should not be too difficult to believe that the fetal brain could be affected by powerful hormones that trigger sexual development.
There have been studies examining the brains of M2F transsexuals post-mortem, and it was found that their brain structures more closely resembled that of genetic females than genetic males. Whether this was set from birth or the result of a lifetime of cross-living, no one can say for sure. Regardless, I am not all that interested in proving my case scientifically. Even if I were tested and found to have a genetic anomaly, how would that change anything? It doesn't really help to solve the problem at hand, which is what to do about dealing with my feelings.
In the case of human brain development, there is very little scientific proof to substantiate any solid conclusions. But just because we don't know what causes autism, lupus or any number of diseases, doesn't mean we should ignore them and hope they go away. We treat the symptoms, not the disorder itself. Although I don't consider TS people to have a "mental disorder" (i.e. our brains work fine, it's the housing of our bodies that needs to be "fixed"), we are suffering from pain that is just as real as physical pain that has no obvious cause, and it has to be treated or it will only get worse. For me, treatment is psychological therapy, HRT, steps toward a gender transition and possible SRS. This is the course of treatment that every therapist and psychiatrist I have visited concurred on.
In order to help you understand me, I'm going to use some metaphors for my GID experience to illustrate what goes on in my head, but please don't take them literally. It's difficult to explain something as nebulous as gender identity to someone who does not suffer from GID, but I will try.
When I was born, I was born with a female spirit or soul, if you will. This spirit does not manifest itself in conscious thought, but is a core part of my identity as a human being. As I was growing up and conscious thought started to develop, I was taught to be male because I was in a male body. I gradually built up my male identity - learned my name, learned how to dress, how to act, how to treat others. But all that time, the spirit I was born with - Michelle - was sleeping inside me, growing very slowly. The male persona I had built kept Michelle under wraps, except for brief moments, the times I felt that something was wrong with me but I could never understand what it was. During those rare times, Michelle was able to grow a little bit at a time, but was never strong enough to break through the male construct.
Keep in mind that as I'm realizing all this now, I was never aware of being TG growing up - I didn't even know what it meant until recently. You could say that I had "symptoms" of being TG because I cross-dressed from an early age, but those are entirely different things. Being a cross-dresser does not automatically lead to being a transsexual, although most transsexuals engaged in the activity at some time. Cross-dressing is listed in the DSM-IV as a sexual paraphilia, not under gender identity disorders. There are plenty of cross-dressers out there who never transition, never even think of transitioning. They like being males dressed as females and cringe at the idea of SRS.
Up until about three years ago, I thought I was one of those people. I had no intention of becoming a woman - the very idea was about as meaningful to me as the idea of flying to Mars. When I was young, I wished I was a girl, but I also wished I could fly like Superman. To me, these two fantasies had about an equal chance of happening because I knew I was a boy and was never going to change no matter how hard I wished to. And the idea of turning my male body into a female one through HRT and SRS seemed like complete science fiction.
I never seriously thought about the idea of transitioning until three years ago. My childhood fantasy of being a girl involved being magically placed in a real girl's body, not slowly turning my current body into a simulacrum of a girl. But once I discovered that it was possible to do that, I knew that was what I had to do. Perhaps if I had access to information about transitioning when I was in college or high school, it would have triggered my drive to transition then. Unfortunately, I did not have access to real information because no one wants to talk about TG/TS issues in our society, unless it's to make fun of them on shows like Jerry Springer [this is the primary reason for starting this blog, to balance the distorted view of transsexuals caused by past portrayals in the media].
So going back to my psyche - somewhere around early 2002 I started poking around the Internet for TG information. Why did I start doing that? My theory is that by this time, Michelle had grown from being a helpless infant in my mind to being a young girl, questioning, probing and straining against the male construct that she had helped to build for protection but was now imprisoning her. My male identity could sense her now, and there was an urge to protect this growing person inside of me, a child incapable of dealing with the adult world. Coming out online was the safest place where I could nurture this part of me in a support group of people who understand and give unconditional support. Sadly, I can't say I've gotten that from any of my family, much as I wished for it.
When I first came out to my parents, they suggested that I take testosterone in order to make me more masculine. Basically, I interpret that as they wished to administer a lethal injection to Michelle, the girl side of me who only wants to live the life she deserves to live. Michelle is a part of who I am. Getting rid of Michelle would be like giving me a lobotomy - destroying a part of me that's always been there. In the face of such hostility, I need support from anyone I can get. [this is the other reason for this blog].
This letter has been edited for privacy, but the gist of it is the same - I am not changing who I am, I am becoming the person I have always been and was always meant to be.
There is no test, no way to obtain conclusive evidence of gender dysphoria. I wish it were that simple - that would certainly solve a lot of our problems if we removed all uncertainty about our condition. However, gender dysphoria is listed in the latest version of the DSM-IV, starting on page 576 in the section on Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders. There is widespread clinical evidence that the condition exists - 1 in 30,000 is the most common statement of prevalence. You could sooner deny the existence of GID as you could of homosexuality - they are very similar in nature. Just as it took many decades for homosexuality to be removed from the list of mental illnesses, I expect it will take many years for GID to be properly understood by the majority of the medical profession. But just because I can't take a pill to "cure" my GID doesn't make it any less real.
Intersexed people are less common than those with GID. These are people whose bodies have been affected by the presence or absence of certain sex hormones in utero or have a chromosomal anomaly that results in variations such as XXY (Klienfelder's syndrome) or XO (missing Y chromosome, called Turner's syndrome) instead of the more common XY or XX. I have gotten to know several such individuals online. This is a completely different condition than what I have. My body is normal, my brain is what has been affected. Hormones affect every tissue in the body, so it should not be too difficult to believe that the fetal brain could be affected by powerful hormones that trigger sexual development.
There have been studies examining the brains of M2F transsexuals post-mortem, and it was found that their brain structures more closely resembled that of genetic females than genetic males. Whether this was set from birth or the result of a lifetime of cross-living, no one can say for sure. Regardless, I am not all that interested in proving my case scientifically. Even if I were tested and found to have a genetic anomaly, how would that change anything? It doesn't really help to solve the problem at hand, which is what to do about dealing with my feelings.
In the case of human brain development, there is very little scientific proof to substantiate any solid conclusions. But just because we don't know what causes autism, lupus or any number of diseases, doesn't mean we should ignore them and hope they go away. We treat the symptoms, not the disorder itself. Although I don't consider TS people to have a "mental disorder" (i.e. our brains work fine, it's the housing of our bodies that needs to be "fixed"), we are suffering from pain that is just as real as physical pain that has no obvious cause, and it has to be treated or it will only get worse. For me, treatment is psychological therapy, HRT, steps toward a gender transition and possible SRS. This is the course of treatment that every therapist and psychiatrist I have visited concurred on.
In order to help you understand me, I'm going to use some metaphors for my GID experience to illustrate what goes on in my head, but please don't take them literally. It's difficult to explain something as nebulous as gender identity to someone who does not suffer from GID, but I will try.
When I was born, I was born with a female spirit or soul, if you will. This spirit does not manifest itself in conscious thought, but is a core part of my identity as a human being. As I was growing up and conscious thought started to develop, I was taught to be male because I was in a male body. I gradually built up my male identity - learned my name, learned how to dress, how to act, how to treat others. But all that time, the spirit I was born with - Michelle - was sleeping inside me, growing very slowly. The male persona I had built kept Michelle under wraps, except for brief moments, the times I felt that something was wrong with me but I could never understand what it was. During those rare times, Michelle was able to grow a little bit at a time, but was never strong enough to break through the male construct.
Keep in mind that as I'm realizing all this now, I was never aware of being TG growing up - I didn't even know what it meant until recently. You could say that I had "symptoms" of being TG because I cross-dressed from an early age, but those are entirely different things. Being a cross-dresser does not automatically lead to being a transsexual, although most transsexuals engaged in the activity at some time. Cross-dressing is listed in the DSM-IV as a sexual paraphilia, not under gender identity disorders. There are plenty of cross-dressers out there who never transition, never even think of transitioning. They like being males dressed as females and cringe at the idea of SRS.
Up until about three years ago, I thought I was one of those people. I had no intention of becoming a woman - the very idea was about as meaningful to me as the idea of flying to Mars. When I was young, I wished I was a girl, but I also wished I could fly like Superman. To me, these two fantasies had about an equal chance of happening because I knew I was a boy and was never going to change no matter how hard I wished to. And the idea of turning my male body into a female one through HRT and SRS seemed like complete science fiction.
I never seriously thought about the idea of transitioning until three years ago. My childhood fantasy of being a girl involved being magically placed in a real girl's body, not slowly turning my current body into a simulacrum of a girl. But once I discovered that it was possible to do that, I knew that was what I had to do. Perhaps if I had access to information about transitioning when I was in college or high school, it would have triggered my drive to transition then. Unfortunately, I did not have access to real information because no one wants to talk about TG/TS issues in our society, unless it's to make fun of them on shows like Jerry Springer [this is the primary reason for starting this blog, to balance the distorted view of transsexuals caused by past portrayals in the media].
So going back to my psyche - somewhere around early 2002 I started poking around the Internet for TG information. Why did I start doing that? My theory is that by this time, Michelle had grown from being a helpless infant in my mind to being a young girl, questioning, probing and straining against the male construct that she had helped to build for protection but was now imprisoning her. My male identity could sense her now, and there was an urge to protect this growing person inside of me, a child incapable of dealing with the adult world. Coming out online was the safest place where I could nurture this part of me in a support group of people who understand and give unconditional support. Sadly, I can't say I've gotten that from any of my family, much as I wished for it.
When I first came out to my parents, they suggested that I take testosterone in order to make me more masculine. Basically, I interpret that as they wished to administer a lethal injection to Michelle, the girl side of me who only wants to live the life she deserves to live. Michelle is a part of who I am. Getting rid of Michelle would be like giving me a lobotomy - destroying a part of me that's always been there. In the face of such hostility, I need support from anyone I can get. [this is the other reason for this blog].
This letter has been edited for privacy, but the gist of it is the same - I am not changing who I am, I am becoming the person I have always been and was always meant to be.
