: Coming out :
I met a new person at my weekly TG group meeting, a pre-transition MTF who has written me a couple emails in the past. I'll call him "Bill" since he's not out yet. The parallels between his life and mine are eerily similar - he's a few years younger than me, married, and has a child. He's been struggling with GID for all his life, and now feels like it's becoming overwhelming and threatening to destroy the comfortable, secure life he's managed to build.
Basically, Bill is in the same position and facing the same choices that I did back in 2002. That choice is to continue living as a man, in a conventional role, or take steps to allow his inner feminine self to break free of the male persona he's built as a way to conform to society's expectations. This has to be one of the hardest decisions anyone has to face, mainly because unlike many decisions we make in life, the consequences of this decision touch every aspect of your life, and past a certain point, are mostly irreversible.
When I think back on that period of time when I had to make this decision for myself, I feel like it was a rather easy decision for me. I had been living in my female persona online for several months and I felt a sense of rightness and freedom of expression that I never felt in real life. I didn't consult with anyone besides my therapist and I wasn't going to support group meetings in boy mode like Bill did. The first person I confided in was my spouse, and by then, I'd already made up my mind about making changes, although I didn't know how far I would go. In the end, this is a path you have to be prepared to walk alone, and while people close to you are affected, I believe ultimately that we are each responsible for our own lives and our own happiness. No one should have a vote in something this personal, and everyone has their own choices to make, whether to stay with you or leave. Everyone is free to decide what is best for themselves.
Sometimes people throw up the word "obligation" as a reason not to transition. To me, no one has the right to enforce an obligation that means you have to live out your days trapped in a life you don't feel is your own. If you feel obliged to do something, it has to be something that comes from you, not from someone else. Doing something that preserves your own personal sense of honor and justice - that I can respect. No one has the right to tell someone how to live their own life, and at the same time, we can only hold ourselves responsible for the choices we make. If you let someone else tell you how to live, ask yourself if they will take responsibility later down the line if things turn out badly. Chances are, they won't - life just doesn't work that way.
Basically, Bill is in the same position and facing the same choices that I did back in 2002. That choice is to continue living as a man, in a conventional role, or take steps to allow his inner feminine self to break free of the male persona he's built as a way to conform to society's expectations. This has to be one of the hardest decisions anyone has to face, mainly because unlike many decisions we make in life, the consequences of this decision touch every aspect of your life, and past a certain point, are mostly irreversible.
When I think back on that period of time when I had to make this decision for myself, I feel like it was a rather easy decision for me. I had been living in my female persona online for several months and I felt a sense of rightness and freedom of expression that I never felt in real life. I didn't consult with anyone besides my therapist and I wasn't going to support group meetings in boy mode like Bill did. The first person I confided in was my spouse, and by then, I'd already made up my mind about making changes, although I didn't know how far I would go. In the end, this is a path you have to be prepared to walk alone, and while people close to you are affected, I believe ultimately that we are each responsible for our own lives and our own happiness. No one should have a vote in something this personal, and everyone has their own choices to make, whether to stay with you or leave. Everyone is free to decide what is best for themselves.
Sometimes people throw up the word "obligation" as a reason not to transition. To me, no one has the right to enforce an obligation that means you have to live out your days trapped in a life you don't feel is your own. If you feel obliged to do something, it has to be something that comes from you, not from someone else. Doing something that preserves your own personal sense of honor and justice - that I can respect. No one has the right to tell someone how to live their own life, and at the same time, we can only hold ourselves responsible for the choices we make. If you let someone else tell you how to live, ask yourself if they will take responsibility later down the line if things turn out badly. Chances are, they won't - life just doesn't work that way.
