: Coming (at) home :
This is the fifth and final entry in a series of posts recounting my trip to Montreal and gender reassignment surgery with Dr. Pierre Brassard, which took place on January 8, 2007:
Leaving the convalescence center I had mixed emotions. On the one hand, I undoubtedly could not wait to get home, even to the point of having to pay a few hundred dollars extra to get a plane ticket that left Montreal four days early. I looked forward to the comfort of my own bed, and being with my family again (they had left three days after surgery). Also, I was running out of DVDs to watch. On the other hand, I worried about the pain of the journey, and I would certainly miss having my meals catered and having a staff of people on call 24 hours a day to assist me.
The day I left the convalescence center began with a shower as always and it was time to finish pulling off the gauze on my skin graft. By this point the only thing left of the pad was the very last layer, the top layer of plastic mesh that sandwiched the absorbent padding of the original gauze pad. This mesh, which is quite similar to a piece of window screen, had become embedded in the scar tissue of my healing graft, so removing it was going to be difficult, but it had to be done. I didn't want to have to deal with it at home all by myself without my nurse, Anne (she was my favorite nurse, and the only one I wanted touching the graft area).
Anne carefully removed the last of the mesh, which was very painful and caused the area to start bleeding a little. Then she taped a fresh gauze pad to the wound so I could travel home without it bleeding through my clothes. Anne and I both marveled at the resilience of FTM patients, who typically must endure several skin grafts on their arms and legs in order to harvest enough skin to create their new anatomies.
Around 10:30 a.m., Robert the driver came to pick up Kaylyn and me for the trip to the airport, since our flights were about the same time. Going through customs was a breeze, and sitting in the tight confines of the airplane wasn't too difficult. Having the fresh pad cushioned the area and made it more comfortable than dealing with the open wound.
The first couple days at home I was pretty reluctant to get out of bed, since the exertion of the trip completely wiped me out. But the worst part was when I accidentally urinated on the graft pad and I had to take it off myself. I can say unequivocally that ripping off that pad caused the most excruciating pain of this entire ordeal.
For the first week or so I slept on plastic-backed hospital pads because of the bleeding, but eventually the routine of drying the area after each bathing, combined with my family's help in trimming off the excess scar tissue that formed, helped the graft area to scab over and finally heal. While it will always be discolored from the surrounding skin, today this area that has given me so much grief is finally healed and doesn't bother me anymore.
Four days after arriving home, I touched my new parts for the first time, and I was pleased to discover that I am indeed sensate and most likely capable of orgasm. The feelings are not all that different from before, only that the method of touching to produce those feelings is different for obvious reasons. Also, I felt like I couldn't really reach orgasm this first time because I didn't have anything that would lead me to ejaculate. Part of learning about my new body will involve understanding that orgasm is not equated to ejaculation or anything else that happens physically. Orgasm has to occur in my mind first, and whatever happens with the body will follow naturally.
The second time I experimented with self-stimulation was Monday, Feb. 5, and I did manage to experience my first orgasm post-op, further indication that my surgery was successful. I attribute this partly to reduced swelling and dissipation of the numbness in my genital region, plus my overall healing progress that resulted in less painful and more pleasurable sensations.
So the real question is, how did it feel? In a word, wonderful. In some ways it's the same as prior to surgery, and in other ways it's very different. The lead-up part, or excitement phase, feels pretty much the same, and there's the same urgency to build to climax that there was before. However, the actual experience of orgasm was quite different for me, and I have some theories on why that is, which I will share after my description of the physical sensations.
The simple description is that the orgasm lasts longer for me now. Whereas before surgery the actual point of orgasm was a very quick sensation lasting maybe one or two seconds, now it felt like it lasted for five to seven seconds of sustained orgasm. Also, pre-op there is the tangible, physical sensation of ejaculation where I could feel all the "plumbing" in action, although this sensation was greatly reduced after prolonged HRT. Post-op, this physical throbbing deep in the pelvis from the various organs and glands used in ejaculation, plus the movement of the seminal fluid itself was absent, so the electric pulses of the nervous system generated most, if not all of the feeling of orgasm.
Another difference I observed pre- to post-op is that pre-op, orgasms tended to bring about feelings of relief and lethargy, whereas now it was accompanied by sheer joy. After my recent orgasm I was overcome with laughter, something that never happened after pre-op orgasms. I don't think I've ever felt quite like that before in my whole life. Perhaps it was partly due to the fact that this was my first one, but I just had the sense that without all the physical activity involved with ejaculation, I was able to enjoy the experience more as pure sensation, without all the societal significance and, let's face it, messiness of ejaculation.
This brings me to my theory on why I might have perceived this orgasm to be longer than those pre-op. There is an evolutionary theory that male orgasm is nature's way of rewarding successful breeding behavior, i.e. ejaculation of sperm a necessary action on the male's part to produce offspring. Orgasm is the little treat that motivates us to engage in sexual activity long enough to reach that goal.
However, in my case and other post-ops I've heard of, it's possible that what happens is that we trick nature into giving us more rewards. When we reach orgasm, our bodies are still attempting to ejaculate, but obviously nothing is happening. Faced with this obstacle, our brains try harder to get the body to ejaculate by prolonging and increasing the orgasm. In a way, the brain is tricked into feeding us more reward because the evolutionary imperative is not being delivered the way it should be. So I'm not sure how long my brain will be fooled in this way before it catches on that my body doesn't ejaculate any more. Obviously, I'm hoping that from an evolutionary standpoint, I'm a very slow learner.
Aside from the workings of my female anatomy, things are progressing nicely for me otherwise as well. I am sleeping more because it's no longer painful to shift positions in bed. I use a "C"-shaped pillow called a Boppy to sit, but sitting in a normal chair without it is still very uncomfortable. In the next few days I plan to go to an office supply store and test out some ergonomic kneeling chairs that might be more comfortable for me. If so, I can request one for my office for when I go back to work.
This week I've taken my first couple of short car rides with my family, and I haven't had much problem with that. I can walk at a leisurely gait, but any faster is painful. I plan to carry a walking cane when I go back to work so that New Yorkers don't run me down or get aggravated at my slow pace.
I don't really have a lot to say about the significance of being post-op, other than I'm glad the ordeal is mostly behind me. It has been a trying experience, and I'll admit there are times during the recovery when I wondered if it was worth the pain I was going through. But now that I've come out the other side of the tunnel, I feel satisfied and content. To repeat an analogy I've used before, this has been a long pit stop in the race of life. Now I am looking forward to living without having transition hanging over me, and ready for the next big adventure that life has in store for me.
Leaving the convalescence center I had mixed emotions. On the one hand, I undoubtedly could not wait to get home, even to the point of having to pay a few hundred dollars extra to get a plane ticket that left Montreal four days early. I looked forward to the comfort of my own bed, and being with my family again (they had left three days after surgery). Also, I was running out of DVDs to watch. On the other hand, I worried about the pain of the journey, and I would certainly miss having my meals catered and having a staff of people on call 24 hours a day to assist me.
The day I left the convalescence center began with a shower as always and it was time to finish pulling off the gauze on my skin graft. By this point the only thing left of the pad was the very last layer, the top layer of plastic mesh that sandwiched the absorbent padding of the original gauze pad. This mesh, which is quite similar to a piece of window screen, had become embedded in the scar tissue of my healing graft, so removing it was going to be difficult, but it had to be done. I didn't want to have to deal with it at home all by myself without my nurse, Anne (she was my favorite nurse, and the only one I wanted touching the graft area).
Anne carefully removed the last of the mesh, which was very painful and caused the area to start bleeding a little. Then she taped a fresh gauze pad to the wound so I could travel home without it bleeding through my clothes. Anne and I both marveled at the resilience of FTM patients, who typically must endure several skin grafts on their arms and legs in order to harvest enough skin to create their new anatomies.
Around 10:30 a.m., Robert the driver came to pick up Kaylyn and me for the trip to the airport, since our flights were about the same time. Going through customs was a breeze, and sitting in the tight confines of the airplane wasn't too difficult. Having the fresh pad cushioned the area and made it more comfortable than dealing with the open wound.
The first couple days at home I was pretty reluctant to get out of bed, since the exertion of the trip completely wiped me out. But the worst part was when I accidentally urinated on the graft pad and I had to take it off myself. I can say unequivocally that ripping off that pad caused the most excruciating pain of this entire ordeal.
For the first week or so I slept on plastic-backed hospital pads because of the bleeding, but eventually the routine of drying the area after each bathing, combined with my family's help in trimming off the excess scar tissue that formed, helped the graft area to scab over and finally heal. While it will always be discolored from the surrounding skin, today this area that has given me so much grief is finally healed and doesn't bother me anymore.
Four days after arriving home, I touched my new parts for the first time, and I was pleased to discover that I am indeed sensate and most likely capable of orgasm. The feelings are not all that different from before, only that the method of touching to produce those feelings is different for obvious reasons. Also, I felt like I couldn't really reach orgasm this first time because I didn't have anything that would lead me to ejaculate. Part of learning about my new body will involve understanding that orgasm is not equated to ejaculation or anything else that happens physically. Orgasm has to occur in my mind first, and whatever happens with the body will follow naturally.
The second time I experimented with self-stimulation was Monday, Feb. 5, and I did manage to experience my first orgasm post-op, further indication that my surgery was successful. I attribute this partly to reduced swelling and dissipation of the numbness in my genital region, plus my overall healing progress that resulted in less painful and more pleasurable sensations.
So the real question is, how did it feel? In a word, wonderful. In some ways it's the same as prior to surgery, and in other ways it's very different. The lead-up part, or excitement phase, feels pretty much the same, and there's the same urgency to build to climax that there was before. However, the actual experience of orgasm was quite different for me, and I have some theories on why that is, which I will share after my description of the physical sensations.
The simple description is that the orgasm lasts longer for me now. Whereas before surgery the actual point of orgasm was a very quick sensation lasting maybe one or two seconds, now it felt like it lasted for five to seven seconds of sustained orgasm. Also, pre-op there is the tangible, physical sensation of ejaculation where I could feel all the "plumbing" in action, although this sensation was greatly reduced after prolonged HRT. Post-op, this physical throbbing deep in the pelvis from the various organs and glands used in ejaculation, plus the movement of the seminal fluid itself was absent, so the electric pulses of the nervous system generated most, if not all of the feeling of orgasm.
Another difference I observed pre- to post-op is that pre-op, orgasms tended to bring about feelings of relief and lethargy, whereas now it was accompanied by sheer joy. After my recent orgasm I was overcome with laughter, something that never happened after pre-op orgasms. I don't think I've ever felt quite like that before in my whole life. Perhaps it was partly due to the fact that this was my first one, but I just had the sense that without all the physical activity involved with ejaculation, I was able to enjoy the experience more as pure sensation, without all the societal significance and, let's face it, messiness of ejaculation.
This brings me to my theory on why I might have perceived this orgasm to be longer than those pre-op. There is an evolutionary theory that male orgasm is nature's way of rewarding successful breeding behavior, i.e. ejaculation of sperm a necessary action on the male's part to produce offspring. Orgasm is the little treat that motivates us to engage in sexual activity long enough to reach that goal.
However, in my case and other post-ops I've heard of, it's possible that what happens is that we trick nature into giving us more rewards. When we reach orgasm, our bodies are still attempting to ejaculate, but obviously nothing is happening. Faced with this obstacle, our brains try harder to get the body to ejaculate by prolonging and increasing the orgasm. In a way, the brain is tricked into feeding us more reward because the evolutionary imperative is not being delivered the way it should be. So I'm not sure how long my brain will be fooled in this way before it catches on that my body doesn't ejaculate any more. Obviously, I'm hoping that from an evolutionary standpoint, I'm a very slow learner.
Aside from the workings of my female anatomy, things are progressing nicely for me otherwise as well. I am sleeping more because it's no longer painful to shift positions in bed. I use a "C"-shaped pillow called a Boppy to sit, but sitting in a normal chair without it is still very uncomfortable. In the next few days I plan to go to an office supply store and test out some ergonomic kneeling chairs that might be more comfortable for me. If so, I can request one for my office for when I go back to work.
This week I've taken my first couple of short car rides with my family, and I haven't had much problem with that. I can walk at a leisurely gait, but any faster is painful. I plan to carry a walking cane when I go back to work so that New Yorkers don't run me down or get aggravated at my slow pace.
I don't really have a lot to say about the significance of being post-op, other than I'm glad the ordeal is mostly behind me. It has been a trying experience, and I'll admit there are times during the recovery when I wondered if it was worth the pain I was going through. But now that I've come out the other side of the tunnel, I feel satisfied and content. To repeat an analogy I've used before, this has been a long pit stop in the race of life. Now I am looking forward to living without having transition hanging over me, and ready for the next big adventure that life has in store for me.
