: Caprese and cricket bats :

I got some good news and bad news about the non-profit job today, mostly bad. I didn't get the job because they hired someone else, but they liked me enough where the director said she would see about giving me some freelance work and possibly a temporary position. The best case scenario would be if they were able to hire me for a temporary position and perhaps employ me until my SRS date. Kinda doubt that's going to happen, but it's a nice thought.

So after starting my day with that downer news, I decided to take action. I went out to the movie theater for the first time in many months to see X-Men 3. I'm not going to give away any spoilers, but my overall impression was that the film lacked subtlety. It was a lot of grand speechmaking and intense battles and the plot was a bit patchy. I wonder why it is that plots never seem to be as hokey in the comics as they sometimes are in the movies.

After the movie I went over to my storage facility to meet up with a woman who bought my TV entertainment center on Ebay for $26. Since my TV got busted I didn't need that piece of furniture anymore - what a waste that I brought it all the way from Houston and sold it before I ever used it again.

I came home to make caprese for lunch, which is an Italian dish usually served as an appetizer. The last time I had it was at an Italian restaurant with my ex-coworkers just before I left Houston. It's basically a salad layering fresh tomato slices, slices of fresh mozzerella cheese and fresh green basil leaves, drizzled with olive oil, balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper. I also added some sun-dried tomatoes, jumbo kalamata olives and green olives stuffed with garlic cloves. Here's what it looks like:



After lunch I tackled a project I've been meaning to work on - putting a new rubber grip on my cricket bat. My bat survived the fire with only a little cosmetic stain from the smoke , but the original rubber grip split from the heat. So I bought a new rubber grip, but I wasn't sure how to put it on. The grip is a rubber tube about 10 inches long and it fits tightly over the bat handle, which is made of strips of cane wrapped in twine. The problem is that there's too much resistance to simply slip it on and it's too thick to roll up into a donut to unroll onto the handle. So I surfed on the Internet to find a solution that someone posted on a bulletin board - I threaded a plastic grocery bag through the grip and then used the handles to pull the grip over the handle, using the plastic as a lubricant of sorts. Once the grip was in the correct position, I rolled up each end and cut the plastic away. Here's what it looks like now:



Now I just need to find someone to bowl a few overs with me - that's going to be a lot harder than putting a grip on.

: City and country :

Yesterday was a fun day, with a mix of city and country sights to see. We went to Lyndhurst, a Gothic Revival mansion overlooking the Hudson Valley on the New York side and spent a few hours touring the gardens, the conservatory and the grounds along the banks of the Hudson River. Then we went into the house and looked around, but ended up feeling harrassed by the personnel who clearly preferred that people restrict themselves to the guided tour instead of roaming around away from the crowds. Other than that and the stifling heat, it was a nice place to be.



From Lyndhurst we drove south into New York City, looking for a place to have lunch. We passed through Yonkers of all places, and I saw a cricket field where people were playing. I might have to go back and watch a game someday soon. We finally ended up driving all the way into midtown Manhattan and finding a free parking spot on the street near the public library so we could go to a Burger King.

After lunch, we took the subway down to Soho to check out Housing Works Bookstore, a rare and used book store that operates as a volunteer group to help people with AIDS. I bought a couple books about my current obsession, Buffy the Vampire Slayer - a Watcher's Guide for seasons three and four, and a collection of essays by sci-fi/fantasy writers and authors.

Afterwards, we walked a few blocks into Soho and had a light snack and tea at teany, a cute vegan-friendly tea house that was once owned by Moby, the recording artist. I had a lavender lemonade, since I was hot from all the walking and sun. After we had refreshed ourselves, we took the subway back to 39th Street where we had parked the car. Since we walked from the opposite block, I saw the Tall Girl Shop that Nexy told me about once, but unfortunately it was already closed. I took a peek in the window and it looks like they have some good stuff, but it's probably kinda expensive. Right next to it was a tall girl's shoe store - I guess that's a synergistic match. I'm definitely going to go back and visit both of them next time I visit the city.

: First job assignment :

Hooray, I got a freelance job assignment from that non-profit group I've been interviewing with. I have a feeling that it's because the person they want to hire isn't available right away, and they have some work that is pressing - plus, I really kicked ass on their writing test, so they know I'm a good writer. Anyway, now I have to figure out what's fair in terms of payment. That's going to take a little research, so something for me to do tonight.

I went out this afternoon for some shopping. I've been having an itch to start playing some more sports the way I used to, just so I can keep in some decent shape before I turn into a marshmallow. So I went to the Sports Authority store and found a cheap Gamma carbon fiber tennis racquet and had it strung there. I used to have a top-of-the-line Wilson Hammer, but they don't make it anymore, and besides, I don't think anyone I'm likely to play with will be near my skill level so there's no point in getting a really good racquet. I also found a couple pairs of reasonably androgynous athletic shoes in my size that were on clearance. I tried on a pair of K2 inline skates, but I think I'll hold off on that - there's too many hills to climb, and I'm considering buying a tandem bicycle someday for that kind of outdoor aerobic workout.

After that I went to Costco and picked up a new pair of glasses, a black frame by Yves Saint Laurent that's a bit larger than my current Anna Sui specs. This new pair has regular non-prescription glass, making them much lighter than my prescription glasses, so these will be useful when I'm working out, swimming or when I want to wear sunglasses. I just look better with glasses, so now I can wear them everyday, even when I want to wear contact lenses. I also got some food, soap, shampoo and sunscreen.

It's been dreadfully hot here the last few days, and I'm hoping this is just an aberration. It doesn't seem fair that we have to have hot summers and freezing cold winters, but I suppose it's better than having no seasons at all, which is what Houston was like.

Oh, and X-Men 3 - a record-breaking $120 million opening weekend! Not bad for a Marvel movie, huh?

: Job interviews :

Things are heating up again on the job front. Yesterday I interviewed with a well-known global PR firm that my former supervisor used to work for in the Houston office. I drove into the city and parked in a garage for the meeting. I talked with three people, including the general manager of the New York office, and it seemed that everyone clicked with me, in the sense that I brought the skills and experience they were looking for. In fact, one of the large clients that they are staffing up for was coming into the office today to interview prospective hires, and they suggested that I meet her as well. So I made plans to return the next day.

After my interviews, I took the subway down to the Tall Girls shop to browse around for a bit. I met the store manager Tameka and tried on a couple of pieces just for fit. Since they were going to close in less than an hour, and they had already closed the upper floor, I decided not to get anything but to come back the next day. So I got back to the garage to get my car, and the second I got into the car the sky opened up and it started pouring down rain - like thunder and lightning and the whole big show. It was pretty scary driving through the city at night in the rain, plus it was rush hour, so it took forever to get home.

Today I drove in again to meet the client and showed her my portfolio, and I think that went pretty well too. I also saw the GM in the hall and said hi, and he said everyone's feedback was very positive. So after a quick interview I just got back into the car and went home to avoid a repeat of yesterday, since the forecast was for afternoon thundershowers. I'll have to revisit Tall Girls another day. I have an interview with another big agency on Wednesday, so I scheduled another follow-up interview and taking the writing test on the same day, so I can combine trips. Any way you slice it, it's kind of expensive to go into the city, what with bridge or tunnel tolls, train and subway tickets or parking fees.

Tonight I put on a bathing suit for the first time in two years (my first girl suit ever) and went swimming in the hotel pool with my family. I'm not posting any pictures, but I was told that I look great, and I wasn't too nervous. My suit was a halter-top, two-piece skirt suit, black with white trim. Sitting in the spa was nice, and even though I'm not much for swimming, I had a lot of fun. Now I'm sleepy and I'm going to watch the rest of GoodFellas in bed.

: New birth certificate :

With all the legal hoops I've jumped through in the past year, it shouldn't surprise me that I have to jump through some more just to get a New Jersey driver's license. I thought it would be easy, since I already have a valid Texas license in my new name (and we all know what a struggle that was). But no, it turns out it's a lot harder than it should be.

The New Jersey DMV requires five points of identification, including at least one primary document, which is a birth certificate or U.S. passport, but the list does not include another state's driver license. Since my passport is in my old name and with a 10-year-old picture of me, I need my birth certificate (which of course has my old name and was destroyed in the fire anyway). So I need to correct the name on my birth certificate and get a copy in order to get my new license.

Once I get a new birth certificate issued, my old one will be sealed so no one will be able to access it (including myself) without a court order. I might just get a copy of the old one first for nostalgia's sake, and so I can use it for astrological purposes. I don't know the time I was born, for example, or what hospital. Unfortunately, Arizona won't change the gender marker on a birth certificate without a court order, so I might have to go through the entire process of going to court and amending my new birth certificate and getting a new license after SRS. I think there's a real opportunity for some enterprising person to start a business just to help people change their names, not just TG people, but married women and people who change their names by choice.

: Walking between raindrops :

Another day, another job interview. Today was just a quickie, about 30 minutes with the executive recruiter for one of the major global PR firms. She mentioned that their Dallas office is desperately looking for someone with energy experience, which I have in spades. She's going to see if they would want someone who can work for them out of the New York office. That would be kind of ironic if I moved myself all this way, only to get a job where I report to an office in Dallas.

I've finally figured out what probably every woman in Manhattan has already figured out - bring a pair of comfortable shoes to walk in and change in the elevator or the restroom before you arrive at your destination. It's even more important on days like today when it's raining, and any shoes you wear are going to get wet and soiled. So I wore my black Nike "Chuck Taylor"-style shoes outside and changed to my dress shoes in the building lobby.

Tomorrow I have another interview with the firm I talked to last week, and I'm going to take their writing test. They are probably the hottest job prospect right now. And today, while I'm driving through the Lincoln Tunnel from New Jersey to New York, I get calls from two recruiters who are trying to set up interviews for me. Amazingly, my cell phone works in the tunnel, which runs under the Hudson River. One of them booked a meeting for Monday afternoon, and the other one is trying to get me something at a New Jersey firm. That would be good for me because I wouldn't have to commute so long, but the pay will undoubtedly be lower, so it's a trade-off. But it would be so nice to spend less time on the train and fighting traffic.

I'm still dealing with all kinds of issues stemming from my move and transition. My mail has not yet been forwarded to my new address, despite two forwarding orders and two calls to the U.S. Post Office. Who knows how much mail I've lost at this point - I HATE the Post Office! No wonder "postal" is synonymous with rage killing. Also, I still haven't received my new health insurance card with my new name, although I can print a temporary one from the Web site. I also sent in a request to my endo in Houston to reissue my prescriptions in my girl name so they match my legal ID, so hopefully next month that will be corrected.

Despite all the problems and hurdles I've encountered, it's still such a thrill for me to be here, living a longed-for dream. I distinctly remember a moment this afternoon, walking on 51st Street on a windy, rainy day and looking at the dour faces of New Yorkers passing me on the street. I couldn't suppress a smile because of the joy I felt inside me, just to have this chance to live my life on my own terms. After so many years of pretending to be someone I'm not, and trying to fit my round self into a square life given to me, just the simple act of walking in the rain under my Monet Water Lilies umbrella is a gift.

: Springwood Visit :

I had another interview today with a relatively big firm that represents Dunkin Donuts, among other clients. I only got to meet with the HR lady because the general manager was out sick. I suppose if I had called to confirm the appointment (which was arranged through a recruiter) then maybe I could have postponed the trip until the GM got back. But on the bright side, I found a really cheap parking garage in the area that I'll use from now on. It's only $16 for four hours, which I'm sure sounds expensive to you people in the Midwest, but trust me - for a minivan in New York, that is at least $10 to $15 less than what I've been paying at most garages for less time.

Sunday was one of those nearly perfect days that turned out beautifully in a combination of planning and luck. First we went into the city, and I had lunch with one of my favorite vegetarians at a restaurant at South Street Seaport. We sat out on the second story deck overlooking the East River, and watched the boats and water taxis go back and forth under the Brooklyn Bridge.

After lunch we drove up to Hyde Park just north of Poughkeepsie to visit Springwood, Franklin D. Roosevelt's home. It was a beautiful spring-like day, unlike the day we went to see Lyndhurst Castle, so the weather was about as perfect as it could be this late in the year, I'm told. We started in the gift shop, where my favorite item was a metal replica of a dime, but about four inches in diameter. It kind of reminded me of the giant penny in the Bat Cave, although on a much smaller scale.

We walked out on the grounds, stopping first at the rose garden where the president and his wife Eleanor are laid to rest. All the flowers were bursting into bloom and so fragrant.



Then we walked over to the residence, but we didn't have time that day to tour the house, so we went behind the house and gazed down into the field and wood behind the house, leading all the way to the eastern bank of the Hudson River.



We took a long walk through the woods, stopping to look at waterfalls, ponds and marshes before we finally reached railroad tracks. We went around the token fence that marked the end of the trail, crossed the tracks and came out on a rocky, secluded beach along the Hudson. We spent a good amount of time there, listening to the waves along the shore and the wind in the trees. Luckily, there were no trains running to disturb us. In the distance, we could see the Mid-Hudson Bridge that we had used to cross over from New Jersey to New York.

On the way back, we saw a lot of wildlife in the cool of the evening. We came across a rather large snake in a running stream that startled us, although it didn't appear to be poisonous. I saw a deer spring from hiding not 15 feet in front of me and bound up a hill before stopping to look back at me. We saw another deer and a turkey in the distance on the hill behind FDR's house. But the best show was after we had reached the car and we spotted a deer at the opposite end of the parking lot, grazing. We sat in the car watching her, and she slowly made her way toward us, walking slowly by about 20 feet away. When we finally began moving, we drove right up next to her on the way out and said goodbye.

We stopped at a city park to take some pictures of the Mid-Hudson Bridge before crossing it and then went to a very shiny chrome-plated diner for dinner, which was very good and reasonably priced. As we were leaving, since it was getting dark, we decided to visit Rockefeller Point in the Palisades to see the full moon, something we've talked of doing for many months. As it turned out, it was a perfect night for it - clear and cool with low humidity, and the moon lit up half the sky with its soft, preternatural light, casting shadows of trees on the ground. I can't take credit for this shot, but I wish I could:



So it was a very full day, quite exhausting, but only because we saw so many beautiful things that it was almost overwhelming. It's a day I'll remember, and hold in my heart, for a long, long time.

: Drum roll, please... :

And the big news today is....

I GOT A JOB!!

The firm is the one I interviewed with last week. Looking back, I should have recognized the sign that I was going to get this gig - my last job in Houston started with an interview in the midst of a terrific thunderstorm. I remember driving to my old office back in 1999 and seeing this line of black clouds rolling toward me and getting into the parking garage just as it started to rain. Within minutes day had turned into night, and by the time I sat down with the president of the firm, the storm was raging furiously outside. Flashes of lightning blinded us during our conversation, and I was quite surprised actually, that he offered me a position on the spot. He had been my professor when I was getting my MBA, so he already knew me very well, and it turned out to be a good professional relationship for both of us.

So my new employer is one of the major global PR firms, a household name to anybody in the PR business, and they offered me a senior account supervisor position, which is the same position that I left Houston with. While I was certainly willing to take a lower title, it's nice to know that I won't have to suffer professionally due to my transition. I am very much looking forward to working for them.

We're going out tonight to celebrate, as this is obviously a big milestone for me. Having a job and the resumption of my professional career means that my social transition is largely complete. I still have a ways to go physically, and in some ways, emotionally, but progress like today's news certainly makes me stop and be thankful of all the good things that have happened to get me to this point.

I remember way back when I was just starting to transition reading Amber Chan's Web site amberspace, and her philosophy of transition. She compared life to a car race, and transition was like an extended pit stop to retool your car as quickly as possible and get back out on the track. While this analogy makes sense for her and other people who transition on the job and stay connected to their friends and birth family, it doesn't really apply to how I've approached it. While I've certainly approached transition with a certain urgency (my second anniversary on HRT is coming up in a few weeks), it became clear to me by the second half of 2005 that my new life was going to look a lot different than my old life. So instead of getting back onto the racetrack of life, my pit stop served to trade in my Formula One car for a Humvee so I can leap the track fence and head off into the wilderness to who knows where.

So the adventure continues ... thank you all for sharing the ride so far.

: Touch the sound :

I had a little flurry of activity today, and saw a very inspiring movie called Touch the Sound, a documentary about Grammy-winning percussionist Evelyn Glennie, who is deaf. It explores her philosophy of making music through improvised sound, as well as improvised playing with many different people and with different kinds of instruments. Some of the things she uses to make her sounds are soda cans, chopsticks, rolls of writing paper, cups, dishes, and of course all manner of conventional percussion instruments (drums, cymbals, gongs, marimbas, etc.)

I had a passing interest in this type of improvised music when I was a child because my uncle used to experiment with sound in the same manner. At the time, I just thought he was making noise because he didn't know how to play. He was always very eccentric and had all kinds of funny ideas. But now that I'm older and I've had a bit more experience in seeing musicians like Glennie, Keith Jarrett and Gabriela Montero, I recognize the incredible amount of skill and talent it takes to master soundmaking to such a degree that music becomes completely intuitive. As for my uncle, he was still just a no-talent ass clown - but fortunately there are people close to me now who are much better practitioners of the art.

I went to the drugstore today to print a photo to include with my application for SRS with Brassard and mailed that off. While I was there I got my passport photos taken for when my SRS letter comes back. I also finished the first part of my freelance writing assignment and turned it in. Hopefully I can wrap that up in another week or so. I'm still waiting on the formal offer letter from the PR firm so I can secure a new apartment. I thought it was going to come today, but I guess I will have to wait until tomorrow.

: New apartment :

Another busy day preparing for the next phase of my life. I got the formal job offer late yesterday, and the hard copies via FedEx this morning, so I went to the apartment complex I scoped out in February to see about getting a new place. For new readers: I had gotten a job offer back in February and put a deposit down on this apartment before having the offer rescinded a few days later ("Bad news" - Feb. 5, 2006)

So this time I got an apartment, but it wasn't quite as nice as the one I was to have back in February. That one back then had a nice view of the woods behind the complex, and this one has a view of the courtyard. This one is also a little bit bigger and a little more expensive than I really need for just myself, but I can deal with that. On the plus side, it has a fireplace and vaulted ceilings (which the last one had too), but it's all they had opening up in the next few weeks. Apartments are harder to get in the summertime, it seems. While I would love to have a view, I can't really do anything else at this point. I'll probably only be here a year anyway until I buy a permanent place, assuming I decide to stay here.

So today, besides working on my freelance assignment (my contact was so pleased with my work so far that she asked me to take on a couple more things, for a few dollars more) I'm calling moving companies to get quotes and calling recruiters and people I've interviewed with recently to let them know about the job offer. At some point I'm also going to plan a trip to Ohio to visit my friends, if I can squeeze it in before my move-in date.

Alright, back to work for me - it's been a good day so far, and I hope it continues.

: Shopping day :

It was a fun day out with my family on Saturday as we were shopping for several things, an air conditioner, some computer speakers, books and music. We went to Costco and I decided to exchange my red Anna Sui glasses for another pair, a square-lens model by Burberry. The problem with my red glasses is that they pinch at the bridge of my nose and leave a dent when I wear them too long. The Burberrys have silicon nose pads that keep the frame away from my face a bit. Besides, they look a little more sophisticated anyway. The optomotrist at Costco was so nice too - not only did she suggest the exchange, but she also changed my name in their records and extended my prescription so they could make my new glasses.

I also got A Prairie Home Companion Original Soundrack CD and DVD set from Barnes & Noble, since I enjoyed seeing the movie last week. Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly singing "Bad Jokes" is simply priceless. I also bought this book, Beauty: The New Basics that I've been looking at for a while. It's a nice reference book of tips on everything from hair to makeup to skincare. It has a lot of basic information that most books assume you know already, which of course, I don't.

Some shoes I had ordered from Shoebuy.com came in today - unfortunately, one was the wrong color. One is a pair of tennis shoes to wear for serious sports playing, and the other was a running shoe for casual wear. I'm not really a runner - I abuse my feet enough wearing heels. But it's nice having cute running shoes to wear instead of the neutral men's style shoes I currently wear for walking around.

I guess it's fitting that my "transition vacation" has been almost exactly nine months long. In the past nine months I've spent most of my time dismantling my old persona and practicing how to project the appearance of the person I feel I am inside to get my body aligned with my soul. I've dissolved ties to one family and forged new bonds with another. I've legally changed my name and all my documentation to reflect that. I've moved 1,700 miles and went from working for a small PR firm with two offices in Texas to a big-time New York agency with offices in more than 30 countries around the world. In short, I've created a new life from the ashes of my old one.

As I prepare to re-enter the working world, I'm starting to feel the time growing short that I will be able to sleep late and goof around all day, every day. I used to think I wasn't being very productive with my time off, being bored and all that. But when I look back on everything I did during this incubation, I realize I have made some dramatic changes and things progressed the way they were meant to. For a long time I wasn't really able to enjoy my time off with everything that was hanging over me. But I think now that I will finally be able to enjoy these last two weeks of my vacation before going back to work.

: Midsummer at the Met :

I spent a lovely day at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in celebration of Midsummer today (Wednesday). We made it a point to visit some of the rooms that we normally miss when we go to see our favorites. We saw a very cool temporary exhibit called AngloMania which highlighted British fashion over the last 30 years - everything from formal gowns to crazy punk rock outfits. There's also an exhibit of an Egyptian ruler named Hatshepsut the great female pharaoh of Egypt's 18th dynasty who ruled for 20 years.

The coolest thing I found today was a room in the Frank Lloyd Wright wing that was a 360 degree painting from the Palace and Gardens of Versailles in France. The artist stood in the middle of the formal gardens behind the palace and painted two massive curved canvases, totaling 165 feet in length. One showed the view of the rear of the palace, and the other showed the gardens, cone-shaped trees and fountains stretching down the hill and the countryside in the distance. If you stood in the middle of the room and looked around, it was almost like being there. I have actually visited that palace in France many years ago, but when I went it was winter and it was not as green and lush as the painting portrays. But it was a wonderful experience of deja vu seeing it again.

There is also a lovely exhibition of works by Raphael (scroll down for the link from the special exhibits page) that just started yesterday. We came across it near closing time, so we decided that we're going to go back so we can do justice to that one next time. I'm looking forward to seeing that.

: Test run :

This morning I got up at 6 a.m. to conduct a test run, since this is the last regular work day while I'm here before I actually have to show up for work on Wednesday, July 5. I've never successfully been able to take the train into Midtown by myself during rush hour, so I just needed the practice. And everything pretty much went okay - I did have to get off the train I was on in order not to go to Hoboken and hop on another train to get to Penn Station in New York. Also, I got on the right subway train (the E line) but I wasn't certain that it was headed in the right direction, so I got off, checked the map and found out that it was indeed the right direction, so I had to wait for the next one to continue. So despite my inexperience, I still managed to get to the office at 8:45, just 15 minutes later than I expected to. Once I get the routine down, I should be fine.

Since I was in the city with some time to kill, I went up to the Met again to buy some presents for my friends whom I'll be visiting next week and to enjoy the uncrowded museum. People actually begin lining up at around 9 a.m. in order to get in the museum by 9:30 when it opens. It's like an amusement park for art lovers. It was oddly surreal to be walking through some of the great halls all alone - that's not a common experience unless you are one of the first people in the door, which I was today.

Afterward I went to the big FAO Schwartz store on 5th Avenue (as seen in the movie Big) to look for a replacement stuffed bear, but unfortunately, I couldn't find him. I might have to visit the Gund factory in Edison, New Jersey to find the particular bear that I want. I stopped for lunch at Subway, when browsed in the Tall Girls shop, but didn't find anything worth buying. When I left the store, it was starting to rain, so I walked back to Penn Station and found that I'd just missed the 12:40 p.m. train and had to sit and wait for an hour for the next one.

When I got back, I found that my office had sent me an employment package with all my first day forms to fill out, so I guess I'll look over those next week - there's a lot of forms. Also, I got a shipment of DVDs that included two of my favorite British comedies, Love Actually and Bridget Jones' Diary, plus a movie I was watching on HBO the other day, The Crucible. If you want to see a cautionary tale about how crazy religious zealots can get in the name of their God, this story (based on a play by Arthur Miller about the Salem witch trials) stands as one of the best examples out there.

: I'm still here... :

It's been a busy time since my last post - after getting back from a short visit in Ohio, on Friday we went to the American Museum of Natural Science in New York and watched a couple of shows there, an IMAX movie on caves, and a planetarium show called "Cosmic Collisions." The museum is huge, and we didn't have a lot of time, so we couldn't really see very much during the few hours we were there. We did see the dinosaur bones, the aquatic life exhibit, the mammals, some early American cultures, and part of the space exhibit, but there is so much more that we didn't get to. It's the kind of museum you could visit every week for the rest of your life and never see everything, because they are constantly changing and updating their space, and it's three stories tall. I'll post some pictures of that later.

Over the holiday weekend, I've been busy setting up my new apartment. I moved in Saturday morning, and my family helped unpack all afternoon. I also got a plasma TV from Costco, and we set it up on my new TV stand, and unpacked my subwoofers that had been delivered by mail. The rest of the weekend I've been alternating by unpacking stuff and buying new things, like bookcases and drawers from IKEA and household stuff from Target. There's still a lot to be done, but it's all getting there. I'm sure I'll be busy with it for quite a while.

One thing that is not yet done is Internet access - I haven't been able to get a hold of the cable company to come out and hook me up. I'm writing this from my family's house, so I just wanted to let everyone know that I'll be on hiatus until I get my net access at my apartment, which should be in a week or two.

Last bit of news - I got my letter confirming my SRS date from Dr. Brassard's office, so now I'm ready to start tackling the passport/driver's license quest. If only it had come earlier, I could have done all that while I wasn't working. Now I'll have to find time inside the workday to do it. Bleh.

: First week on the job :

It's Friday at the end of my first half-week in my new office, and a lot has happened. It's certainly a mixed blessing working again. On the one hand, it's good that I don't have my unemployment hanging over my head, and that I'm getting back into the rhythm of a "normal" life, instead of remaining a lady of leisure. On the other hand, it's kind of tough waking up at 6 a.m. each morning to get ready and catch the train to New York at 7:30 a.m. If I were to miss that train, the next one doesn't appear for about 20 minutes, and then I would be really late to work.

So Wednesday was my first day at work, and there were no problems getting in, although the rain made it a bit soggy. There was even a drip in the roof of the train, but luckily not where I was sitting. It's an hour's ride into the city, and when I get on the train is completely empty but by the time I reach Seacaucus there are usually people standing in the aisle for lack of seats. After pulling into Penn Station I take the "E" subway line for about five stops to Lexington Avenue - that puts me less than a block away from the office. Unfortunately, the subway is always crowded, like sardines in a can. Good thing that it's a short ride because otherwise I'd probably scream.

So once I arrived at the office on Wednesday, we had an orientation presentation that lasted all morning. We went down to have our pictures taken for our building IDs, and got another ID card to get into the office. So now I have to carry around three transponder tags - one for the building, the office and my parking garage at my apartment. I wish they could make these things smaller.

Thursday I took care of my passport request at the post office next to my office - I should get my new passport in a couple weeks, and it should have my correct name and gender on it. When the mail clerk compared my new passport photo with the one of me taken ten years ago, all she could say was "big difference!" to which I replied, "that’s why I need a new passport."

Another thing that happened yesterday was that I met a girl named Michele (there are three Micheles in this office, and I'm the fourth, but my name is the only one spelled with two L's) who captains the company softball team. She recruited me to play on Wednesday nights - they play teams from other companies in parks all around Manhattan. I used to be a pretty good softball player in my previous life, but I don't know how good I'll be in this body. Still, at least it's a good way to meet some people outside the office and get some exercise. Should make for some interesting blog entries in the future.

On the train ride home I met a young redhead named Marjorie who rides the train from Secaucus to Bloomfield, where she lives with her family. She just graduated from college with a degree in photography and she's working as a stock photographer for a graphic design company in Seacaucus. We chatted for a bit, and she gave me her card in case I ever wanted to hang out. So it was nice that I met a new friend after only two days riding the train.

Today it's a beautiful day in New York, sunny and breezy, and I enjoyed a short walk around the block at lunchtime. I had a slice of pizza at RayBari's Pizza, which is a family-owned chain spun off the famous Ray's Pizza. Pizza aficionados know what I'm talking about. I also moved from my temporary cubicle into a private office, which is a nice perk even though there's no window. Thank goodness too, because the woman in the next cube was starting to drive me crazy. She is constantly on the phone with personal calls, and she talks about all sorts of unpleasantness using profanity and harsh language. While it may not be directed at me, it's very distracting in the workplace, and I'm glad to be away from it.

: Two-year anniversary :

Ahhh, the first weekend. I slept until 9:30, which is four hours later than I normally do. Damn, I miss the days I could sleep until 2 p.m., and often did.

Things are going well at work, and I enjoy meeting new people every day. It's always a little difficult, because I have to be so cagey about my past. I don't talk about my ex or my son, and of course I don't talk about my transition. Generally, people like talking about themselves more than hearing about me, so I just let them do the talking.

My friend Nexy recently posted how she felt transition was something that never really ends. I'd agree with that to a point. My feeling is that transition "ends" once you have reasonably established your new identity, are living full-time, and don't have any more major transition-related events ahead of you. To me, transition is not a state of being - it's a process that has a fairly definite beginning and ending. While I have had trans thoughts my entire life, thinking about transition and even planning for it doesn't qualify as the beginning for me. The beginning is when you take some kind of action with the intent to transition. And for me, the second anniversary of that date is today - July 15 - when I took my first tiny blue estradiol pill with the intention to continue for the rest of my life.

To me, this is a milestone apart from losing weight, growing hair out, getting nails done or even experimenting with herbal hormones, all of which I did prior to July 15, 2004. Those things could all be reversed quite easily, and even though the herbals had an immediate effect on me, my intent in taking them was to experiment, not to continue on them indefinitely. For me, the end of my transition will be once I get my SRS in January. At that point, there are no more meaningful milestones to mark my forward progress. I will already have my corrected passport, social security card and driver's license by that point (hopefully!) and the only legal document left to correct would be my birth certificate and that's hardly a commonly used document. That's not to say there won't be plenty of little milestones after that, but they will be milestones primarily of a woman starting a new life, not of a man turning into a woman - first time having intercourse, first mammogram, first trip to the gynocologist, etc.

I agree with Nexy that I will never be a "normal" woman in every sense of the word. I will always be a trans-woman with a unique perspective and special needs on many things. But I knew going into transition that it would be like that. Would I choose to be a "normal" woman if given the hypothetical choice? I used to say yes unequivocably but now I'm not sure I would. The biggest difference between me and most women (the ability to bear children) isn't important to me, so that's a wash. The ongoing physical differences have pros and cons on both sides (dealing with menstruation and cramps vs. dilation, for example) and I'll admit I'd love to have a more feminine shape than I already have (which is pretty darn feminine - I'm just greedy). But who's to say if I'd been born female I wouldn't now have a butt the size of Texas or be equally dissatisfied with my looks but for other reasons (as most women are!)

Plus, a lot of who I am and my own personal sense of contentment is derived from overcoming the obstacles I've faced to get where I am. If I'd not had to go through transition, if I'd been physically a girl all my life, I'd probably take my mind/body congruence for granted, and who knows what kind of person I'd have turned out to be? Part of what makes me smile every day is appreciating the life that I've worked so hard and endured so much to build. The other part comes from being with the people I love and who care about me, and I'm luckier than most that I've found people in this world who truly love me.

: Anniversary, part 2 :

It's fitting that on this day, my second anniversary (see post below) I just received my new passport with my correct name and gender - yay! What a long, hard road it's been to get legal recognition of my new identity, but it's finally done. Now I can get my new license and I can finally get rid of the dreaded "M" on all my records.

Notice that the passport expires in 12 months, as opposed to a normal 10-year term. I have to send in proof of SRS within that time in order to get a new one reissued. All in all, the passport process has been surprisingly easy, compared to everything else. Of course, the hardest part was getting the name change in court as part of the divorce. I'm just dancing on clouds today, I'm so happy!

: Stardust :

I just started reading Neil Gaiman's blog (yes, it's still slow here at the office) and I was excited to see that they are filming his book Stardust. That was the first of his books that I read and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I went on to become addicted to his Sandman series, and I'm looking forward to collecting the Absolute Editions in hardcover later this year. Here's a photo from the upcoming movie:



It looks like a very strong cast, including Michelle Pfieffer, Robert de Niro, Claire Danes and Rupert Everett, although the lead actor and director are relatively unknown outside the UK. It's supposed to be released in 2007, so I'll have plenty of time to re-read the book again in anticipation, perhaps pick up a copy of the original illustrated version Gaiman did with artist Charles Vess.

: Nightmare commute :

Yesterday was probably the worst day I had in the city so far. Monday night there was a big storm while we were in a movie theater watching Superman Returns (which was great, by the way). It knocked down trees over the railway lines for the train I use to get to Penn Station, although I didn't know it at the time. The next morning I went to the station as usual and was surprised to see all the TV news trucks in the parking lot, and I knew something was up. Listening to the other passengers talk, I found out about the mishap and was forced to board the next train to Hoboken so I could switch trains at Newark to get to New York.

So my morning commute was about 30 minutes longer and a lot more stressful than it usually is. Then, once I got to Penn Station, I found out that there's been some trouble with the power in New York (perhaps due to power conservation due to the heat wave) and some of the subway trains are not running. My line was still operating, but since concurrent lines aren't and I was late getting in, the platform is terribly crowded. So we packed ourselves in like sardines, but it wasn't as bad as the afternoon trip. When I left the office at 5 p.m. and got on the train, everyone was sweating profusely from the heat of the day. It wasn't very pleasant being squished in with a lot of sweaty guys in a train car so tightly that I didn't have to hold the rail since there was no room to fall down. I mean, we were so close together that my boobs were grazing people left and right.

I had planned to try and get home early in order to visit the DMV to get my new driver license. Since the subway was running slowly, I made it to Penn Station with only a few minutes to spare for my commuter train. I ran through the terminal and glanced quickly at the information screen and headed down to the platform. I got on the train and felt relieved, until I heard people around me saying that the information screen had earlier flashed up the wrong track number. I asked a man sitting next to me which train this was, and it was the wrong train. I got up just in time to see my train pulling away on the adjacent track, and had no choice but to go back upstairs and wait for 30 minutes for the next train. Needless to say, I missed going to the DMV because it had already closed by the time I got home.

So today, both the commute and the weather are much better. It's only 79 degrees at lunchtime in Midtown, and the trains were running normally again. Days like yesterday make normal days feel like I've died and gone to heaven. Hopefully I won't have another day like that for a long time, but I know it's all a part of living up here.

: New license, part 2 :

It's been a pretty weird day, lots of ups and downs. It started off with another big milestone - I got my driver license with the elusive "F" under the sex. Best of all, it was a very easy process since I had my correct passport and all my documentation to prove my identity - social security card, utility bill, etc. The only discrepancy was that my old license still had the "M" on it, but no one seemed to notice. My appearance, plus the fact that every other document I had said female (notably the passport), allowed them to just assume it was a mistake without my having to lie by telling them it was a typo (which would have been a criminal offense, actually).

I have to thank my friend Nexy Jo for the original idea she suggested about getting a date from my SRS surgeon in order to secure a temporary passport with the corrected gender. In all my research I'd never come across that strategy. I'm really glad that I didn't pay an attorney to try and change it. So I'm hoping that my experience benefits other trans people who are trying to change their documentation to match their preferred gender. Getting the gender marker changed before SRS was something I didn't think could be done, but I was wrong. So, thank you Nexy! (applause)

After that chore was done (and it only took an hour at the DMV, which I've been told is unheard of) I was supposed to visit a local art museum with Marjorie, a girl I met on the train a few weeks back. I was on my way when she calls and invites me instead to join her and her friends to see "The Devil Wears Prada." Since I wasn't really in the mood for a movie, plus I don't know what her friends are like, I politely declined.

I had another run-in with IKEA today - I returned some unused shelves and bought a desk lamp, but when I got it home I discovered it was missing some parts, so I have to go back once again. I think I'm going to actively start avoiding that place - it's not like I can't find stuff they sell elsewhere. This is just ridiculous.

I also went to the post office to pick up a letter and while I was there, I bought the new DC superhero stamp collection as a gift for the DC comic fan in my life. When I got them, the guy who was behind me in line came up to the counter and admired them over my shoulder, while another man who was standing at the next window with his wife came over and looked at them too. I think they thought it was pretty cool that a girl was buying them. Sometimes it's fun to blow people's expectations out of the water.



This evening has been very productive - I've been doing laundry, vaccuming and putting down drawer liners. I also installed a new shower head, fixed the leg on my bookshelf, unpacked my guitar and cleaned up my closets so I could put my vaccum away and find a place for my unpacked plastic tubs. Slowly, this apartment is getting into the spartan condition that I want it to be, with all the clutter put away properly and everything looking clean and orderly. What with all the cabinets, shelves, dressers and wardrobes I've bought and built recently, there's no reason for anything to be left out. Hopefully in another few days I'll have it all organized properly.

: Working girl woes :

It's been a trying few days since my last post, mostly work stuff. I had a run-in with one of the vice presidents who called me on Sunday and chewed me out when she really didn't have any right to. It's a bit of a long story, and not terribly interesting. It seems that I get along with my male VPs and SVPs much better than the female VPs or women at my level. I guess it's a territorial thing - men don't see me as a threat, but women do (I suppose because of the notion that there's only room for a certain number of women at the top). So I'm going to be more careful around some of the women around here, because I'm sure some of them wouldn't hesitate to stab me in the back if I let them get too close to me.

I had a major screw up today by leaving my rail passes and building ID in my car this morning. Luckily, the train conductor let me stay on without having to buy a ticket - I guess he remembers my face since I ride it every morning. I had to buy a new subway ticket and apply for a visitor pass at my building though. Another lesson learned, I suppose.

I've been eating these terrific Thai lunches from a company called New England Herbal Foods that I found at Costco. The best part is that they don't have to be refrigerated or frozen, so I can load up a bunch of them in my office and eat them for lunch without having to use the icebox. They taste surprisingly good, and it's made from all natural ingredients with no preservatives. I just wish each portion was larger, because I could eat two of them easily for lunch.

I guess this weekend I'll be going to the DMV again to transfer my title and register my minivan, Yoshi (because he's green and a Honda). I'm also still waiting on my university diplomas which I ordered back in April - I called them today and I'm continuing to get the runaround. And, I have to fax my info to Southwest Airlines, because they lost the letter I'd sent them last month that included my court order and request to change the name on my Rapid Rewards account. It's just a neverending battle to get all this stuff done.

: Car and commute :

It's been pretty quiet here lately, so that's why I haven't been writing. Last weekend I transferred my title on my car, and today I just got my car insurance policy activated (surprisingly, it costs the same as in Texas - apparently I have stellar credit and a good driving record, even under my girl name) so this weekend I can finally get my car registered with New Jersey license plates and all that. I also need to have my car photographed (which I thought was peculiar, but it's how it's done in NJ) and inspected, plus I need to pick up my prescriptions. Hopefully they won't have screwed it up like they did last time.

As you might have heard in the news, New York is sweltering under a record heat wave, and that has made my lunch outings quite unpleasant. I'm not in the habit of checking the weather report because in Houston there was no need to. You got in the car, which was right outside your door, drove a few blocks and parked in a garage. You generally weren't outside for more than five minutes at a time, unless you wanted to be. So on Tuesday I made the mistake of wearing a long-sleeve black shirt with my slacks, and I decided to walk to the tailor on my lunch break to make alternations on a pair of pants I'd just bought this weekend at Old Navy. The alterations cost about as much as the pants did, but there's nothing for it - most clothes just aren't going to fit me right off the rack.

So by the time I'd walked six blocks to the tailor I was about to die of heatstroke. It was so bad that on the way back I ducked into Banana Republic, then the Gap and finally New York & Company to cool off and to shop for a new top to wear. I found a cream-colored, wrap-front, short-sleeve knit top that I bought and wore out of the store, just so I didn't have to wear that black shirt again for the rest of the day.

Last week I also played my first softball game on the company team. They put me at second base, a position I'd never played before. I used to play shortstop, but I guess the team captain figured she needed a guy at that position. That actually worked out well because I was so rusty after no playing for more than 10 years - I let a grounder go under my glove for my first error, then dropped a feed from shortstop that hit me in the face and almost knocked my glasses off (the toss was bad, but I should have handled it). However, I did catch three short infield fly balls during the game, and almost turned a double play, missing the runner at first by a step. But we didn't hit well (I was 1 for 3 with a fielder's choice) and eventually lost by mercy rule since the other team kept pounding the ball past our outfielders. We were also shorthanded with only eight players, so we had to borrow a catcher from the other team.

As I wrote to a friend recently, between work, play and my killer commute, I haven't had much free time lately for blogging, especially compared to how I was before I started working. Nowadays, I get up at 5:30 a.m. every day, rush out the door to catch a 6:48 a.m. train, then come home at 7 p.m. (if I'm lucky and don't have to work late). That leaves me about two or three hours to either make and eat dinner by myself or hang out with my family for a while and maybe watch some TV. Then it's shower and in bed by 10 p.m., but it's usually a bit later than that. During the week, I don't even turn on my computer at home and I try to stay productive at work so I can go home on time.

Despite my busy schedule, things have been pretty good for me, even with this interminable heat wave. It still thrills me that I've been able to shed my old life and start anew in New York, of all places. It still makes me happy to look at myself in the mirror, or when people call me Michelle and treat me like a girl. I think there will always be a part of me that will feel this way, and that's the part that makes it easier to bear all the other challenges in my life.

: Flirting :

Being a girl certainly has some perks to it. Today I took advantage of one of them, probably for the first time - I flirted with a man to get something I wanted.

The story began on Tuesday, which was payday, and only my second since starting work. I'm still trying to get paid for my freelance work this summer - one of the hassles of being a freelancer is hunting down your paychecks. So I set up my direct deposit to put the money in one of my two checking accounts (I have two checking accounts and a savings account, I'll explain why in a minute). After the money showed up in my account, I immediately transferred the bulk of it to my other checking account.

The reason for this is that I don't want to keep a lot of money in any account where another entity (in this case, my employer) has access to the account. Setting up a direct deposit service means that funds can also be taken out of the account if there's an overpayment. By limiting the funds in that "public" account, I can avoid having money taken out "by mistake" through this direct deposit relationship. It might sound paranoid, but my old boss Pam had this happen to her, where the payroll provider actually took money back out of her account. That sort of thing gives me the heebie-jeebies - I don't like other people touching my money. Also, I only keep enough money in the "private" checking account to pay my bills, and I keep the bulk of my money in my savings account because I earn the most interest there.

So what happened is that I wrote a check from the wrong account to pay my rent, and I got charged $30 for insufficient funds in the account, and another $30 for an overdraft fee. For a variety of reasons, I didn't think I was entirely at fault, so at lunchtime I walked to the bank branch near my office in New York. I'd dealt with the manager there last week to get a new ATM card - his name is David Lee, which must be among the five most common names in the world.

I went in and explained my situation, and I asked him to take both charges off. He said, somewhat jokingly, "For you, Michelle, anything!" While I would say that I've always been persuasive (especially in the field of consumerism), I could tell that there was some flirting happening on both sides. We talked about the weather, life in Manhattan, and his desire to visit a friend in Hawaii. I gave him my business card and explained what my company does, and he gave me his card with the bank's back-door phone number on it.

I've always felt that you get a lot further in the world with kindness than intimidation, and now I'm finding that a little flirting can help grease the skids too. Not that I'm ever going to be anyone's idea of a femme fatale, like the women in Frank Miller's Sin City, which I've just finished reading the entire seven-book series. I'll probably never even be as bold as my friend Joanna, who once got free convention tickets by flashing some cleavage to the right person (even though she's actually one of the most modest girls I know) but it's nice to know I have enough sex appeal to get some bank charges refunded.

: Midnight Ramble :

I had a great time on Saturday and pretty much spent all of Sunday recovering from it. First thing I did is take my car to be photographed for my insurance. The guy asked me if I had a trailer hitch on the car and said, "Normally I wouldn't ask that when it's a minivan, but since you're from Texas..." There seem to be a lot of preconceived notions about people from Texas, some true and some not. It's true we do have a lot of pickup trucks in Texas, and some of them actually do have shotgun racks installed in the rear windows. But aside from my love of spicy food and tendency to say "y'all" I don't really have much in common with those folks. I only had a trailer hitch so I could carry my recumbent tandem bicycle that was lost in the fire.

After Yoshi's close-up, I went to the DMV and finished my registration, which was waiting on my getting insurance. The lady helping me was a total bitch, clearly a burnout case. I wouldn't be surprised if she went postal someday. After getting my new license plates, I went outside to get Yoshi inspected. It turned out that his rear center brake light was out, so now I'm going to have to waste another Saturday getting that fixed and bringing him back to the inspection station. What a bother!

The rest of the afternoon I picked up my prescriptions (which were correct this month, thank goodness) and did some shopping at TJ Maxx. I bought a dark green wrap shirt top, which I liked so much that I just wore it the rest of the day. I also got a pair of yellow-brown slacks that I took immediately to the tailor, along with another pair I'd bought earlier in the week, to lengthen. A couple other things I bought didn't fit right, so I'll have to take them back next weekend.

In the evening, we drove up to Woodstock in New York to attend Levon Helm's Midnight Ramble concert. This is an intimate affair at Levon's house that happens every two weeks, and only about 100 people or so get to attend. We had a lovely drive up through the Catskill Mountains at sunset, and arrived as the first opening act was finishing up. The concert takes place in a lodge-style house converted to a studio/performance venue. The bands perform in the center of the room, with rows of chairs set up in front and to the sides, and more room in a balcony overlooking them. Behind them is an elevated backstage area for the musicians and their families. The structure resembles a ski lodge, and blends in nicely with the surrounding woods (there were signs posted in the grassy parking area warning of a bear and cubs wandering about).

The music was mostly blues standards, with a few rock'n'roll and gospel songs mixed in by the various performers. We stood in the balcony along the railing overlooking stage right, directly above the drumset, and for most of the night were treated to watching Levon play the drums with an ease and fluidity that was astonishing. The show wrapped up a little after midnight after one encore, and I got home at about 2:30 a.m.

Sunday I got up at 10:30 a.m., which really kind of threw off my sleep pattern. I felt really tired and lethargic all day, as did everyone else. We watched a baseball game, and I finished my laundry and putting things away. I also made some chili and ate about 3/4 of the pot. That might have contributed to the lethargy. It was also time for my bi-weekly shot of delestrogen, so I took care of that.

All in all, it was a very memorable weekend, since it was the first time in years that I've seen live music in any kind of forum. I don't go out to clubs and I rarely attend concerts, and when I do, I'm more apt to see the symphony, a Broadway show or an opera. Plus, the concerts that I have attended in my lifetime generally were when I was younger and so they were not very good bands: Billy Idol, Heart, Harry Connick Jr., U2 (the ZooTV tour in the Astrodome), Debbie Gibson and Chicago (at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, so that barely counts as a concert), those are about the only ones I can remember seeing live. In recent years I've been introduced to much better concerts on DVD, but there's nothing quite like seeing music live, of course. I expect that there will be much better concerts in my future than there have been in my past.

: Announcements :

Before I get started on my entry, I'd like to mention two things that are overdue.

First I wanted to wish my friend Mandy a happy birthday - her 25th birthday was on August 11. I found Mandy through mutual online friends, and we've known each other since early 2005. Mandy went through transition about a year before I did, and it had a lot of rough patches. Yet despite all the challenges that life continues to throw at her, she perseveres and doesn't let anyone or anything get in her way. She is really one of the bravest people I know. She's also beautiful, someone who showed me that t-girls who transition out of their teens don't have to look like men in drag, as so many of the ones I'd seen up until that time did. She was one of the first people in my life who made me realize that I could transition and be perceived as a "normal" girl and not a freak.

The second announcement is that my friend Alessandra is getting married! She has also gone through some difficult times in recent years unrelated to her transition (she transitioned about nine years ago at age 14) - her health, her family life and her first marriage have all taken a toll on her. But after going through a lot of it with her since we started being friends in late 2004, I am hopeful that this is the start of a positive chapter in her life.

As for me, I know I've been rather delinquent on this blog, but it's going to be an ongoing trend I'm afraid. It shouldn't come as any surprise to regular readers that in contrast to the period of my life when I started this blog and now, it's like night and day in terms of my attitude toward, and availability of free time. When I started this blog in January 2005 I was in a very comfortable place in my life in some ways, and yet going through a period of tremendous inner turmoil. Then after the fire in April, things started to change. My family split up, I started living by myself in an apartment, and I went into what I call my cocoon period when I worked on my gender transition. During much of that time I was very much alone, in terms of having physical proximity to close confidants and people I considered family.

However, since starting work in July and being here with my adopted family, I have had little desire to spend my suddenly scarce free time puttering on the computer. This is probably a reaction from the bygone days where I was alone in my Houston apartment, spending entire days online chatting, blogging and surfing the Net. Today I'm much more likely to be hanging out with my family, cooking, shopping or reading a book than be online. In short, my life has become a lot less about documenting my transition and more about actually living it.

There are still things I want to write in here, thoughts that occur to me in my relatively rare position of being someone who has lived on both sides of the gender line. For example, I still have times when I struggle with the complexities of being a girl. Yesterday I wore a very low-cut wrap top and forgot to wear a camisole underneath it, so the whole day I noticed men staring at my chest and it became very embarrassing for me. It's interesting how I'm slowly evolving away from that mindset of wanting to see a woman's breasts since I see them in the mirror every day. I find that now I can look at a picture of a nude woman and not actually be aroused, but just appreciate the beauty of the female form - its sensuous curves and mysterious details. And of course I can't help but feel a touch of envy seeing things I know I'll never have - wide hips, a narrow waist, a natural shape - but realize that in that respect, I'm probably not much different from any other woman who is insecure about her looks.

So I just wanted the few people who read this blog to take note that there's a reason why I'm not posting as often as I used to. Life demands time to live, and I intend to live it to the fullest. It's important to me to find balance, and to get on with my life in the real world.

: Down with Elmo :

As an adult who was, up until about 18 months ago, watching Sesame Street each morning, this article in the Los Angeles Times made me laugh out loud.

Joel Stein: Elmo is an evildoer

: Quotes :

Some quotes gathered by my friend Lily in Houston, some funny, some profound:

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in sick to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer."~Robin Tyler

I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.~Charles Pierce

"Dear Abby" - In response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood. 'You could move.'~Abigail Van Buren

The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft, we can all declare we are homosexual instead of running off to Canada.~Lorne Bloch

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M-16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"~Jon Stewart

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share.~Rita Mae Brown

Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons.~Letter to the Editor, The Advocate

You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.~Barry Goldwater

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?~Ernest Gaines

The only queer people are those who don't love anybody.~Rita Mae Brown

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.~Lynn Lavner

George W. Bush: Making terrorists faster than he can kill them.~unknown

God is a lesbian, but also a gay, a black, a white, a chrysanthemum. It is because you don't understand that, that you discriminate.~Thich Nhat Hahn

The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed~Steve Biko

: Rainy day :

We're getting the remnants of Tropical Storm Ernesto, which unfortunately rained out the opera performance in the park on Friday. I went to the park around 6 p.m., was one of the first people there, and sat for two hours, eating my salad and chatting with the two elderly women sitting behind me. One of them has been a season ticket holder at the Metropolitan Opera for the last 30 years, and she still comes out and sits in the rain for a free concert - that's what I call an opera lover. It started raining lightly about 7 p.m., but everyone stayed put because they weren't sure if it was going to stop or not. Finally, they called it off a little after 8 p.m., eliciting a collective groan from the rain-soaked audience. I felt bad for all the musicians who traveled all the way out to New Jersey, toting their instruments in their tuxedos, only to give up at the last moment. I wonder if they still got paid even if they didn't get to play...

The exciting news is that I won four tickets to Sunday's Yankees game at Yankee Stadium in a trivia contest we had at work. I'm really looking forward to watching it tomorrow - hopefully the weather will clear up. I'll be sure to take lots of pictures of my first visit to the hallowed halls of the most famous baseball stadium in the U.S. The trivia question that I answered correctly was: "On February 6, 1921, the Yankees issued a press release to announce the purchase of 10 acres of property for $675,000 to build Yankee Stadium. From whom did the Yankees buy this land?" The answer is at the end of this post.

Today it has been windy and raining all day long. It's been one of those days when it's been nice to be home. I've been on a bit of a West Side Story kick lately, so I watched the movie starring Natalie Wood this afternoon. It's in the top three of my all-time favorite movies, but I haven't seen it for quite some time. Watching it today with fresh eyes, I was struck more than ever by the movie's effusive charm and the crackling energy that lights up the screen. It has that sizzle and snap we talk about in my family, like the first time I heard Roine Stolt's Remember, or reading any number of the Frank Miller books I've been reading lately. Especially the group scenes like the "Mambo," "America," and "Cool" numbers when the music by Leonard Bernstein is so intense, and combined with Jerome Robbins' exuberant choreography and fierce acting by Rita Moreno and George Chakiris, it's clear that we have lost the ability to make passionate musicals in this day and age.

This evening we braved the rain and went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art because some of the special exhibits are getting ready to close and we wanted to take a last look. I'll especially miss the Anglomania exhibit (this is my third visit) that highlights traditional and transgressional British fashion. The exhibit is set up in a series of panoramic rooms of different scenes, such as a formal ball, a sweeping staircase and entry hall, a garden party, a deathbed, a foxhunt, etc. One of my favorites is a dress and headpiece made to resemble a raven, and the mannequin is holding a stuffed raven, with a raven's birdcall playing in the background. One of the guards chastised me for taking this picture.

We also saw the wonderful Raphael exhibit, where I was particularly impressed with the artist's fine engravings. I've always been fascinated with the art of engraving and intaligio printing - perhaps that's why I used to collect wax seals and use them on letters, and why the art of making currency and coins continues to intrigue me. But the artists that engrave portraits of presidents on U.S. currency, as intricate as they are to foil counterfeiters, can't begin to compare with Raphael's skill on display in this exhibit.

After the museum we drove through the bright lights of Times Square and back to New Jersey through the Lincoln Tunnel. We stopped at the Tick Tock Diner for dinner and to talk about our favorite exhibits we saw that evening. Today was a wonderful combination of laziness and activity, and one of those days when it hits me how lucky I am that my life turned out the way it did after the fire. Today made me very happy, and it was a great start to the long weekend.

Oh, and the answer to the trivia question is William Waldorf Astor.

: Yankees game :

We had a nice time at yesterday afternoon's Yankees game against the Minnesota Twins. The weather cooperated beautifully, although it was a bit on the warm side and we ended up sitting in the sun all afternoon.

We got to the stadium when the gates opened at 11 a.m. and went directly to our seats - they were on the third base side, just eight rows up from the visitor's dugout. They were probably the second-best seats I've ever had in a baseball game. Once my dad gave me his company seats in the Astrodome, and we sat in the second row at the front edge of the home dugout, so we got to observe very closely (like, less than 10 feet away) all the Astros stars like Craig Biggio, Jeff Bagwell and the late Darryl Kile as they went in and out of the dugout. The only drawback to those seats was that there was a constant crowd of kids right next to us, screaming for autographs. But here's the view from the seats we had on Sunday:



After finding our seats, we went out to Monument Park beyond the outfield wall, where they have all the memorials to the great Yankees in the team's history - Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, Lou Gehrig, Reggie Jackson, and the like. A bit of drama nonwithstanding, it was very humbling as a baseball fan to be surrounded by such greatness. And here is a long-awaited photo that shows my new hair color, although you can't see much of it because it was so warm I had to tie it up, but you can see the streaks of blonde in it.



Here is a view of the stadium from Monument Park in left-center field, with Twins players walking in from the bullpen.



And of course, the best news is that the Yankees won 10-1, with Alex Rodriguez hitting two home runs to pace the Yanks. After the game, being out in the sun made everyone tired, so we drove straight home (traffic was terrible getting out of the stadium though) and just crashed. Later after cooling off I went out to Borders and was trying to find a Stephen Hawking book, but wasn't able to, so I bought one item off my birthday list, Batman: The Long Halloween, which I'd forgotten was on it. I also went to Target to get some drain cleaner because my bathtub has been draining slowly - I've probably been letting too much hair go down the drain. It's fixed now though. Then last night I watched V for Vendetta starring Natalie Portman, John Hurt and Stephen Rea. I read the novel several months ago, and I liked the movie for what it was. At least they kept enough of the political message to not completely disembowel what author Alan Moore was trying to express.

Today I haven't been doing much - slept until noon and now it's 3:30 and I'm still in my pyjamas. But I do have to get moving, or else it's going to be hard to get back onto my usual workday sleep schedule. So off I go.