: Italian job :

I was watching the movie GoodFellas, and there's this scene where the main characters are making an Italian dinner while in prison. They bribe the guards to get fresh ingredients and private accommodations, and there's this wonderful scene where one of the bosses, Paulie (played by Paul Sorvino) is making spaghetti sauce. He starts with fresh garlic, slices it thin as paper with a razor blade, and liquifies it in hot oil. It kind of got me in the mood to cook some Italian food, so I went out to the grocery store to get some ingredients and make spaghetti.

Now, I'm not a cook by any stretch of the imagination, so spaghetti is just about the most challenging thing I can make. My sauce isn't very sophisticated - it's more of a homestyle recipe, the kind of thing you end up with when you throw all your leftover ingredients together. Here's what's in my sauce:

1/2 pound of ground beef
4 roma tomatoes, diced
1 red onion, diced
2 tablespoons minced garlic
4 large mushrooms, sliced
2 large jars of spaghetti sauce
1 tablespoon of salt
1 tablespoon of black pepper
1 tablespoon of cayenne pepper
1/4 cup of dried oregano

I start by browning the beef and setting that aside. Then I sweat the onions and garlic a little, then add the other vegetables and let that stew for about 10 minutes until they start turning soft. Then I add the sauce, the meat and spices and stew for about 20-25 minutes. As you might expect, I'll be eating this for a while, since I made so much of it and there's just me here.

: The boobs, the waist and the wardrobe :

I expect that a lot of women who get breast implants go for a period of time where they feel like their breasts are not really part of them. Obviously they feel different from natural breasts and there's swelling and numbness for several days after surgery. Finally the numbness is going away for me, and I'm starting to feel a bit more comfortable with my new shape.

I was going through my closet today and trying on some of my "problematic" tops - those that were form-fitting when I was small-chested, and those that really need boobs to fill them out. I'm still expecting my breast shape to change a little bit over the next several weeks, but size-wise, they are pretty much going to stay how they are. And that means that some of my shirts don't fit anymore and others fit much better. Good thing a lot of my wardrobe is stretchy stuff, like my summer tank tops. And many of my fitted tops that I didn't think would fit actually do, because they are cut to accomodate breasts, but I never really noticed that since my chest was so flat.

I haven't tried on pants and skirts yet, because I am seeing changes in my midsection from wearing my binder. As the swelling from liposuction subsides, a female outline is starting to take shape in the form of a definable waist. I still have about two and a half weeks of wearing this binder, so it will be interesting to see what size I end up at after everything settles in. If I go down a full size, that will be kind of a shame, because I have so many nice skirts in my old size, many of which I haven't even had a chance to wear.

Although I enjoy shopping as much as the next girl, it's different shopping for a couple items versus shopping for an entire wardrobe. There's just something overwhelming about the idea of building an entire wardrobe in a short period of time - like, it would be hard even if someone gave me all the money to do it. Anyone who watches shows like What Not To Wear knows what I'm talking about. At least I should be able to take advantage of some of the after-Christmas sales to pick up stuff at discounted prices.

: Out and about :

It was a pretty interesting day today, exactly two weeks since my surgery, and coincidentally, my one year, five month anniversary of starting hormone therapy (July 15, 2004). And it's a full moon tonight - wacky.

I started this afternoon taking my friend Kyla to see some apartments. She wants to move out of the apartment she's sharing with two of her friends into her own place. She's looking at a place right next to the Galleria that is owned by the same company that owns my apartment, so if she gets it, I get a referral fee. We looked at the place and took an application, but the one she wants isn't available yet. She might get on the waiting list tomorrow.

Then we went to Loehmann's and Target for me to return some stuff I'd bought, and while we were at Target I ran into one of my former co-workers previously mentioned ("Lunch picture" - Oct. 28, 2005). She was shopping for her secret Santa present, a time-honored tradition at my former place of employment. Tonight she was going to the Christmas party thrown by one of my former clients, one of the world's largest oil companies. I remember going to this party last year, and it is always quite the extravaganza - lavish decorations, costumed entertainers, a live band, sumptuous buffet tables everywhere, complimentary palm readers and tarot card readers - you get the idea.

I remember attending this party last year, when I was just starting my transition. I'd been on HRT for only five months, and I hadn't done anything with makeup or my voice, and I was just starting to build my wardrobe. My hair was not even long enough to tie into a ponytail, and my appearance was much different than it is now. And I just remember walking around the room among what I'm sure were some of the wealthiest and most powerful people in the oil industry, and feeling so out of place. I felt my "different-ness" so palpably that night that I remember like it was yesterday. I remember feeling like I had this secret identity, and it comforted me like a warm cloak on a cold winter's night.

Later in the evening, Kyla and I went to a weekly gathering of trans-people organized by the Houston Transgender Life Connection (HTLC). Kyla had invited a friend she met at work, and it was nice seeing Zoe and all my friends again after a two-week absence. Of course I got a lot of compliments and questions about my cosmetic surgery. I wore my new embroidered top, which is very low-cut (I wore a white camisole underneath for a little extra coverage) and one girl told me how natural my breasts look. I guess all those breast exercises I've been doing are paying off.

The thing about me now is that my new body does help me pass, of course, but I didn't have too much trouble passing before surgery. But it's not enough for me just to pass - I also want to look good. Paradoxically, I'm not particularly interested in attracting a date right now. In fact, one thing I'm unsure about is my ability to fend off advances from men, having never been in such a position before. But for now, I'm just enjoying appearing on the outside like the woman I feel like on the inside.

: Gender quiz :

Found this off a friend's site ... no surprises here. As Hannibal Lecter might say, for a psychological profiling tool, a very dull instrument indeed.

You Are 20% Boyish and 80% Girlish

Even if you're not a girl, you're very feminine. You're in touch with your feelings, and your heart rules you. A bit of a emotional roller coaster, one moment you're up and the next you're down. But no matter what, you try to be as cute and perky as possible.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

: Surgery follow-up :

I got everything checked out with Dr. Yarish today, and everything seems to be doing well. I had a few remnants of stitches taken out from under my breasts, and I got some silicone tape to use on the scars in a couple weeks once they are completely healed. The only minor complication is that I'm having some kind of allergic reaction to the adhesive tape they used during surgery on my chest - I've been breaking out in a rash and itching like crazy, usually at some inconvenient time like 7:30 in the morning while I'm still asleep. So I got some anti-inflammatory medication and some prescription-strength hydrocortizone cream to use.

I've also noticed that my skin is especially dry right now, and learned it's probably a side effect from the anesthesia, coupled with the dryness from running the heater without a humidifier. Also, I have to wear the binder full-time for another week, since I still have some swelling around the abdominal area. But at least now I can sleep without having to wear an underwire bra, which is a minor relief.

Overall, I'm really happy with the aesthetic results of my nose, chest and waist. I think the whole process has been relatively easy, at least compared to what I thought it might be. My biggest concern was my reaction to the anesthesia, but other than waking up three hours later than planned, even that went smoothly. But after all, cosmetic surgery only involves working just below the skin. It's not the same as opening up the body and working with actual organs (like SRS, for example). I guess I should look at this surgery as a warm-up to eventual SRS someday.

: Merry Christmas! :

It's Christmas Eve, and I have a most unexpected visit planned with my parents and brother in a few hours. I say unexpected because ever since I came out to them earlier this year in February, they have not been handling my transition very well. Their reaction after I first told them I am transgendered was fairly positive - they said they would always love me, and they said they understood why I needed to do this.

But subsequently, nearly all of our communications have been in the form of increasingly nasty letters and emails, first them trying to find a "cure" for me, and later urging me to reconsider using threats of divine retribution. After a few months of writing lengthy letters trying to make them understand what I'm going through and getting nowhere, I cut off communications with my parents. It was just getting too painful for me to continue hearing all the negativity from them. My brother, who has never been very close to me in our adult lives, wrote me one letter expressing his disapproval, on the grounds that he thought I was being influenced by the pro-GLBT lobby (everything is a political conspiracy to him). So he has been mostly absent from the whole situation (he lives in Dallas and rarely visits Houston).

Ever since this past May, my parents and I have been at an impasse - they have steadfastly refused to acknowledge me as Michelle, and say they will not call me by any other name than the one they gave me, no matter what I look like or what my wishes are. And I have refused to be in their presence any longer than absolutely necessary just for that reason. Last Fourth of July (Independence Day in the U.S., for the benefit of my international readers) my brother came home for a visit, and they invited me to come for dinner, on the condition that I dress in boy-mode and tolerate their refusal to acknowledge my transition. Of course, I stayed home.

Since then, I have seen my parents exactly two other times, both in girl-mode, both visits lasted less than 30 minutes. But of course, now my appearance is much more feminine after surgery, and further refinement of my presentation skills (hair, makeup, dress, etc.) My brother has never seen me in girl-mode at all - the last time we saw each other, I wasn't out to my family yet. He's going to be in for the biggest shock.

So after I didn't hear anything from them over Thanksgiving, I figured Christmas would be the same. But finally, there's been a breakthrough, as my mom wrote an email inviting me to dinner tonight, and saying I could come as I am, and whether I wanted to be called by my old name or new name, either was fine with them. She did say that they would feel closer to me as a boy, and feel as strangers toward Michelle (even though they are the same person - go figure). I suppose that's her way of trying to get me to choose to come visit in boy-mode. But I don't think she understands that I have been living full-time as a girl since the first of October, and I'm through with pretending to be a guy.

Since I'm not expecting open arms and full understanding, given that we haven't talked to each other for any significant length of time since May, I decided it would be best not to stay for dinner, but just to visit briefly before leaving to have dinner with my friends, which I had already committed to. So I'm going to go over early in the afternoon, drop off some presents, let them see me in girl-mode, answer a few questions and leave. Perhaps we will be comfortable enough at that point to schedule another dinner at a later date over the holidays, but best to take things slowly at this point.

I wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and a peaceful, happy New Year!

: So far, so good :

Christmas Eve with my family actually turned out much better than I was expecting. I arrived at the family homestead at 5:30 p.m. and I left a little after 6 p.m. to have dinner with my friends.

I wore a black spaghetti strap tank top under a long sleeved red lace shirt, a black pencil skirt that falls just above the knee, hose and black heels. I wore a gold necklace with multicolor stones and my gold chandelier earrings with green stones for the first time, and boy, it was a struggle to put them in. That's something I really need to practice if I don't want to just wear one set of earrings for the rest of my life.

So when my dad opened the door, he immediately said I looked so nice and dressy. The last two times my parents saw me in girl mode, I was wearing a plain shirt, jeans and running shoes. When he noticed that I was wearing heels, he commented on how tall I was in heels (which I am). I gave them their presents (surplus boy clothes for my dad and my brother, and a scarf for mom) and we sat down to talk.

Surprisingly, there was almost no talk at all about my transition. And even more surprising was the reaction of my brother. He made a concerted effort to use the right pronouns and referred to me as Michelle. My dad slipped pronouns once or twice and I gently corrected him, but even he was making an effort. We talked about family stuff and they asked me about my job search. There was no reproachment or negativity in terms of being opposed to my transition. I would have never expected such a dramatic turnaround from their attitude since the last time we talked. I'm not sure if there's something behind all this, but it certainly is welcome to finally gain acceptance as a woman from them.

As I got ready to leave, we set a dinner date for Monday night, and this time we are going to go out to a restaurant. This is significant because this evening's dinner invitation was expressly for dinner at home, just with family. I think that before I walked into the house this evening, they didn't think I was very passable and were ashamed to be seen with me in public. But hearing and seeing me now, post-surgery and dressed up, I think they have quickly realized that I don't have any trouble passing as female - hence the invitation to eat out on Monday.

The only other thing my parents had to comment on was that my skirt was too short. Of course, to me, a pencil skirt is supposed to fall just above the knee. They said it drew attention to my height. While you might think that this was rather negative, I actually look at it as a positive that they are giving me advice on presenting as female, even if their sensibilities are outdated. I'd much rather them comment on how I wear a skirt than why I'm wearing a skirt.

So the initial meeting was quite a success. Maybe it was the spirit of the holidays at work, or maybe my cosmetic surgery and overall presentation have finally convinced them that there is no turning back and that it is possible for me to successfully live as a woman. We shall see how a full-blown dinner in full public view goes on Monday.

: Family time :

I just got back from a night out to dinner with my family - we wanted to go to a Cajun restaurant, but the line was too long so we ended up going to La Madeleine, a French cafeteria. Afterwards, we came to their house and watched a movie.

I guess if I were to use an international political science metaphor, I would say that relations between us have normalized. They are treating me pretty much the same as they always treated me as a guy. They are trying to use proper pronouns, but there were a lot more slips tonight than Saturday night. And there's really no discussion of how I'm doing, transition or otherwise. It's almost as if this past year never happened at all for them.

So I think that will be the end of my family obligations for a while, which suits me just fine. Post transition, my relationships with some people improved; with others they deteriorated. But with my parents and brother, it appears now to have remained unchanged. But while the relationship I had with my parents was fine for me back when I was a guy, it's not enough for me now. Part of the reason I transitioned was because I was dissatisfied with the superficial relationships I had with everyone in my life. And for me, life is too short to spend time with people who simply tolerate me. I'd much rather spend time with people who really love and care about me.

: Post Christmas shopping :

I had a busy day shopping yesterday, taking advantage of the sales and coupons that started yesterday. First I went to Half Price Books and bought some cheap CDs and a DVD, The Wings of the Dove. Everything in the store was an additional 20 percent off, so I was over the moon to find this Montserrat Caballe disc that is out of print, one of my all-time favorite opera discs. I've been looking for this title in book and record stores ever since the fire. And I was lucky enough to get it for $5.50, as opposed to the $30 starting price on Amazon :)

I went down the road to Ross to return one of the shrugs I bought last week, and I found a nicer one made of brown crushed velvet with sequins. I also bought my first sports bra, a red Champion bra just like the ones I used to have (except now I actually need it for support). I also got two long-sleeve knit shirts to layer, one a lilac Nike Dri-Weave, the other one a plum-colored ribbed shirt with scalloped hems and snap-front half-placket by Lucky Jeans.

Then I went next door to Loehmann's, where they were discounting all clearance items 30 percent off, and I had a coupon for an additional 10 percent off one item. So I found a nice three-piece suit by Tarahi - a fiery red jacket with flower-shaped black buttons, a black side-zip tank top and a black pleated-front skirt. I hate to stereotype, but there's something about red and black that is distinctly Asian in nature. Just look at any Chinese restaurant and you will likely find something in it that is red and black. Final price on the suit was about $50, down from the original Loehmann's price of $140 and MSRP of $250. I also got a long-sleeve black button down shirt, which should be a very versatile piece for my wardrobe.

I stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things, mostly my supply of distilled water. I'm also going to try and make a poor girl's version of Tom Yum soup, a hot and sour Thai soup. For the quick and easy version, take a package of chicken or shrimp flavored ramen, poach an egg or add some sliced mushrooms, peeled shrimp or sliced white chicken meat in with the noodles to boil. Add lime juice, Thai fish sauce and Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce to taste. Top with chopped green onions or cilantro. Should be pretty yummy.

I also use a lot of the same ingredients for tuna fish sandwiches. I take two cans of tuna in water, drained and combine with mayonnaise (I used lime flavored mayo I get at my local grocery store), some lime juice, prepared horseradish, chopped green onion, cayenne pepper and black pepper. I serve this between toasted sourdough bread with sliced Roma tomatoes. In fact, I'm going to go make that right now.