: Moving out of transition :

I had a wonderful lunch today with the president and my two closest supervisors (Ben and Pam) at my former company - we laughed a lot, and I realized how much I miss the energy being with people after so many months without regular human contact. Even though I don't consider myself a socializer (I'm more of a thinker), it's always nice to be in the company of intelligent, caring friends.

I got some feedback on how I should dress and what I should emphasize at my interviews next week. I also got some great answers to that infamous and inevitable question, "what are your weaknesses?" The glib answer is that I try to take on too much, that I work too hard. Actually, this is true about me - I generally don't say no if a colleague asks for my help, unless I'm in crisis mode with my hair on fire. As I'm sure some of you will concur, the unanimous feedback was that I should wear my black glasses - they said my glasses pull my whole look together. They also suggested that I schedule a second trip two weeks later for follow-up interviews. I'll have to look into that.

As I told them, at the point where I actually move to New York, I will most likely delete this blog and start a new one, a fresh new blog documenting my life in the Big Apple, where I'm just an ordinary girl. Transition is not meant to last forever. Yes, I will be dealing with details of being TG all my life (hormones, surgery, an eventual prostate examination) but it will soon move out of being the dominant issue of my life and more like someone who has leukemia in remission. I will also make the new blog a little more private - it's not going to be listed on those TG blog sites or connected to other TG people's blogs or message boards. So sometime in the next two months, if you are a reader of this blog and want to continue reading, please let me hear from you by email (tsai250@yahoo.com) so I can give you the new blog address. If you're only interested in my life as a transsexual, you probably don't need to bother, since the new blog won't be touching on transition issues. It will be about a girl with a slightly unusual perspective on the world.

I feel that in some ways I am already transitioning out of transition. For example, my 18-month anniversary of starting HRT was last Sunday, and I completely forgot about it. I've been having an increasing amount of trouble remembering to take my t-blocker and progesterone pills (the shots of estrogen every two weeks are a little easier to remember). Even at lunch today, when the waiter was ready to take our order and said "ladies first," Ben leaned over to the president and made note of it. Such small social courtesies have become routine for me (although I still allow myself a thrill at times). Although there is still much to do before I can start my new life in earnest, I already feel a sure sense of self that I've been searching for all my life. Yes, in a way I have traded one "secret" for another (wanting to transition vs. having done it) but the freedom to act and interact as a girl full-time and not pretend to be what I thought a guy should be like is incredibly liberating and fills me with joy.

I probably won't post here until after I return from New York next week, but if you are inclined to do so, please send your good vibes to Manhattan and wish me luck on my interviews. I have five interviews in two days - four PR agencies and a PR recruiting firm, so it's going to be a busy trip.

: Headed north :

I'm out until next Thursday in New York for my job interviews. Take care, everybody.

: Interviews in New York :

It was a very productive trip to New York. All in all, I met with the four agencies I had scheduled interviews with, and all of them were positive to varying degrees. The first agency was about the same size as my old firm. The interview was very formal, with specific questions asked from three women, all four of us crowded into a tiny office. It should come as no surprise that space is much more at a premium in New York than it is in Houston. Regardless, I felt that the interview was rather stiff and formal, but they were impressed with my work and I thought I answered their questions adequately. I also have to complete their writing test tomorrow and send it back to them.

The second interview was actually in the same building, but off a different elevator. This firm is somewhat larger than my old firm, with a west coast office and one in London. It struck me as being the closest cultural match to my former company, with the founder still taking an active role in the business (I met him, along with three other people, separately). They have a larger and much nicer office than the first firm - marbled lobby, glass walls and doors on offices for the higher-ups, but the cube zones between the two firms were about equal. The second interview was a lot more relaxed than the first, and the people seemed friendlier to me.

The third interview was with a small boutique firm of only seven people in a loft located in the fashion district. In fact, there were rolling racks of dresses crowding the building entrance, bound for some company in the same building. The advantage of being in a small firm having greater opportunity for advancement and achieving an equity stake (ownership) of the business someday. The downside is greater risk of the company losing a big client and being laid off as a result. The other drawback is that since all the employees are in one room with no cubes at all, there's absolutely no privacy.

I showed up for my fourth interview an hour early, so I went back downstairs and had a hot chocolate at the nearby Starbucks. When I came back, two of the three elevators were stuck, one at the lobby level with people trapped inside. The building superintendent was trying to get the elevator door open, but without success. When he went downstairs to get some tools, the trapped people knocked and asked how things were coming, so I answered that he had gone downstairs. I think I heard a collective groan in response. So of course when the one remaining elevator finally came to take me to the 20th floor, it was with some trepidation that I got in...

The fourth interview was with the PR headhunter, which was much more relaxed than with the agencies. She didn't even want to see my portfolio. She wanted to know more about my skills and what kind of job I was looking for, to see if I would match with any of her clients that were looking for a PR/Marketing person. She seemed to imply that there may be an opportunity with a local utility, which might be a good fit with me, given my background with electric utilities.

The final interview was with a big firm in a big building with a rather overzealous security checkpoint. The lobby had electronic gates to pass through by using a cardkey, so I gave my name to the security guard and let him know my business. He asked for a photo ID - I couldn't give him my old ID! He would undoubtedly call up to the company and announce me with my legal name. I told him that I didn't have my ID, but all I had was my resume. So I had to call up to the office myself and ask them to put my name on the entry list.

I met with a vice president in charge of the company's largest account, the woman who needed a right-hand person to help her run the account. We hit it off right away. The client has some connections to the energy business, and the VP said I "spoke her language" when I talked about the work I've done writing white papers and case studies about the natural gas liquids, jet fuel and coal markets. She didn't even really look at my portfolio much - we just talked and talked - twice, she remarked that she had to leave for another appointment, yet we continued to find more things to talk about. Her office was almost as big as my entire apartment, complete with three couches, chairs, tables and her desk. It reminded me of Gordon Gekko's office in the Oliver Stone movie Wall Street.

So of the four agencies I interviewed with, I liked the last one the best because the job seemed to be the most closely aligned with my current skill set. I would be making a lateral move with the fourth agency - the others would probably choose to bring me in at a lower position, because of the way their titles are structured. But basically, I just felt a stronger connection with the last VP - we shared some common experiences with our different clients, and despite spending only two hours together, by the end we were finishing each other's sentences.

My former boss and mentor Ben also called me directly after the final interview and let me know that the first agency had already called him for a reference. His feedback for me was that they seemed to have a hard time understanding how someone like me, who seemed so reserved and demure to them, could have the personality to account for the results I was presenting. He hypothesized (and I tended to agree) that I was making such an effort to be feminine that I was not letting my core personality show through. It is indeed a tricky balance in creating an entirely new identity by incorporating the best of my old identity, new things that I've learned about myself in the past year, and packaging it in such a way that I can pass, both to myself and to others, as female. Passing to store clerks and strangers is one thing. But based on the feedback from my first interview, I still have yet to master the presentation that comes from not "acting feminine," but rather just "being female."

Nevertheless, the good news is that I felt very comfortable in all my interviews, and I didn't have any problems with people looking at me funny or seeming to be uneasy with my appearance or demeanor. There should be a lot of things happening in the next few days. Three of the four firms said they wanted to make a decision within the week. Hopefully I'll get one or two job offers to consider before the month is out.

: Job offer :

I just wanted everyone to know that I got a job offer this morning, from my first choice of PR firm (and apparently, I'm their first choice as well, since it was only two days ago I spoke with the man in charge of the New York office). It's a very good offer, more than adequate for my needs - a lateral title move, about 20 percent more than I was making before (to compensate for higher expenses) and similar benefits. As I said previously, I feel a stronger connection to the people there than at the other two firms still in contention, but I'm still going to call the other two to see if offers will be forthcoming. I don't really think I'll need them as leverage, as the salary I was offered is right about what I was asking for, and more than fair, in my opinion.

So I gave notice to my apartment that I'll be moving out at the end of the month, and now comes the hard part - getting all packed and moving out there by Feb. 21 (day after President's Day). So blog updates may be a bit less frequent for a few days due to moving activity, but I'll be keeping everyone up to date.

The other issue of changing my name and gender took another blow today - the presiding judge also refused to hear the case, and threw it back down to the first judge. So now we are basically back where we started a week ago, except we know that the judge really doesn't want to hear this case, so I'm not very optimistic about her having a sudden change of heart. But I've overcome a lot of obstacles in the past year, so maybe there's one more miracle left.

: Being female :

I got an email from a former co-worker whom I haven't heard from in years. It's amazing how my transition has touched people from my long-past days and prompted them to write me to express their support. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who would also condemn my transition, but fortunately, they don't bother to write.

So this gentleman responded to my previous post when I referred to "acting" female versus "being" female. He wondered why I needed to act - why not just be myself? This is a valid question, and this was my response to him.

Hi (friend),
Gosh, long time no hear from! I hope things are going well for you and your family these days.

It's a little difficult to explain what I mean about "acting" female. I know that I am female inside, and probably have had a female mindset since birth, but for more than 35 years I've been taught to act male. It's a lot like that case of children being raised by wolves, or the Tarzan story - in order for them to become human and be accepted as human, they have to unlearn their animal behaviors and learn human ones. I have to do the same with my male and female behaviors. Sure, I can be female-looking on the outside and act male, but I want to be accepted as female. So that's why I have to learn to speak, sit, walk, eat, drink, socialize and behave as a female, while unlearning the male behaviors that have become ingrained in my routine. It's all about trying to be as "normal" a female as I can be.

The thing that most non-trans people don't get is that everybody "acts" in day-to-day life. There is a routine for men and women that has been learned from childhood and shaped by living in society. Nearly everything we do from the time we awake to going to sleep is done in a "male" or "female" manner, from brushing one's teeth to sitting in a Starbucks. Some things are more important than others because they are more public, but the point is, we all "act" the way we're supposed to, and a lot of it is dependent on what gender we were assigned at birth when the doctor looked at our genitalia and decided "male" or "female". Overcoming that incorrect designation (in my case) is the challenge I'm facing.

So I hope that you have just a tiny bit more understanding about the obstacles in being transgender. With practice, time and experience, my female presentation will become less of an "act" and more of simply "being" female.

Take care, and thank you for your well wishes!

Hugs,
Michelle

: Bad news :

I got a call this afternoon from the PR firm that was going to hire me and they had to rescind the job offer. Apparently, the client that I was going to be working on has decided to consolidate agencies and did not include them as a finalist. The senior vice president told me there was a small possibility of this happening when he made me the offer on Wednesday, but he felt it was such a remote possibility that he still felt comfortable hiring me. But apparently, the worst-case scenario occurred.

So this is a big blow, obviously, as I'd already put a deposit down on my new apartment and given notice at my old apartment that I was moving out, which I may or may not be able to reverse. It also means I'm back to square one in my job search, where I was on January 2. So I'm back to sending out resumes and following up with the other agencies and recruiters I met when I was last in New York.

: Voices :

Even though I don't think very much these days about passing, every once in a while I have an episode that I can't help feeling good about. I don't mean to brag or anything - it's just that I want to remember it while it's still fresh. I called my bank today to ask about an ATM charge, and the conversation went like this:

Bank: Good afternoon, my name is Tammy, may I have your account number please?
Me: (gives account number, in girl voice)
Bank: Thank you. Can I have your full name please?
Me: (gives full male name)
Bank: May I speak to the primary account holder?
Me: (still in girl voice) I am the primary account holder.
Bank: May I have the last four digits of the account holder's social security number and date of birth?
Me: (gives information)
Bank: Thank you, how may I help you?

(I ask about an ATM charge I don't recognize and she explains it is from using an ATM last month in New Jersey)

Me: Okay, I understand now. Thank you for clearing that up for me.
Bank: Is there anything else I can help you with, ma'am?
Me: No, thank you.
Bank: Thank you for banking with us and have a nice day.

For those of you who aren't TG and don't get the significance of this, it's not just that I passed as female on the phone, but even after the lady knew I was male, the image in her mind of me as female from the sound of my voice remained unchanged. Pretty cool.

: The rules of TG dating :

I went out for a light supper tonight with some of my favorite ex-coworkers at a Thai restaurant. One of them, a lady a few years older than me and also divorced, lamented that the dating prospects for women "of a certain age" were pretty bleak. I told her what she had to deal with was nothing compared to the complications of dating for trans-women. And unfortunately, she had to agree.

Every transgendered person has their own rules about when and how much to tell a potential partner. Some won't go out on a date unless the other party knows beforehand they are TG, preferring not to waste any time on people who might prove to be intolerant. Some people wait until physical sex is imminent before spilling the beans. Most TG people do something in between these two extremes. Some TG people tell the whole story ("I was born in a male (or female) body"), while some tell part of the story, especially if they are post-operative and have the correct body parts ("I have a genetic anomaly and so I can't bear children" is an example).

Of course, once you are post-operative, you don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to. If you are post-op and even your significant other doesn't know about your past, that is called being in "deep stealth" mode. If your partner or close friends know, but your co-workers and most acquaintances don't, that is called being in "stealth" mode. And if you make no effort to hide your past, then you are openly transsexual.

It may or may not surprise you that there are a number of people in the world, mostly men, who are attracted specifically to pre-operative transsexuals (those who have not yet undergone genital reassignment surgery). These people are called "admirers" or "chasers," depending on how they go about it. Some TG people don't like chasers, because ostensibly they are attracted to the very thing that TG people usually don't like about ourselves. Chasers also tend to be focused on sex as the objective of a relationship, which further turns off some TG people. Being thought of as a sexual object usually isn't the best way to begin a relationship. However, the alternative viewpoint is that if you date a TG admirer, at least you know that you have some basic sexual compatibility, and again, you aren't wasting time barking up the wrong tree. In a way, it's not all that different from straight people only wanting to date the opposite sex, or gay people only wanting to date the same sex.

All of this is purely academic on my part, since I am currently off the market and planning to remain so for a very, very long time. Which is perfectly fine with me, because I am very happy with my life right now, and I have no reason to complicate it further by dating. Obviously with me being a non-traditional girl, I'm not into the whole traditional path of dating leading to marriage and starting a family - two things I've done before and am not likely to ever do again. So I'm just taking it one day at a time and enjoying my own life as I've always wanted to live it.

: Leaving today :

I'm off to New York this afternoon, so this is going to be a short entry. Still have to pack all my cosmetics and stuff. I'm very excited about this trip. I'm spending two full days in the city, and I scheduled another interview just this morning with a recruiter, bringing my total to eight. I also got an email just now from another huge PR firm that wants to meet me for an opening, so I might be able to set up a ninth interview from the road. Last time I only had five meetings, and I still managed to get an offer. The eight confirmed meetings include five public relations agencies, one non-profit, one recruiter and a second-round interview with a PR firm I met last time. If I'm not completely insensate from the killer schedule, hopefully something good will come of all this.