: Welcome :

A note from the author:
Welcome to Waterlilies, my personal journey of gender transition that covers the period of my life between Oct. 1, 2005 (my first day of going full-time as female) until February 14, 2007 (recovering from sex reassignment surgery in Montreal). In order to make this blog read chronologically, I have changed all the dates so they are consecutive in reverse order, so please disregard all blogger-generated dates listed as inaccurate.

In order to read the blog in the correct order, navigate the archives backwards. For example, this entry is dated on Blogger as Dec. 31, 2007. The next entry will be dated Dec. 30, 2007 and so on. So when you finish December, click on September 2007, and so on. All dates are in the year 2007, although actual events happened between Oct. 2005 and Feb. 2007 as noted above. If you want to read about my SRS experience, for example (the last six entries) skip to January.

I hope you enjoy reading about my story.

Michelle
October 3, 2007

It's time for a new chapter of my life. After the next 24 hours have passed, I will come to a milestone in a journey that has been at times difficult, exciting, heartbreaking, joyous, confusing, enlightening, painful and wonderful. Twenty-four hours from now, I will finally be free to be myself, the person I've always meant to be, if I wasn't born in the body that I was.

Hi, my name is Michelle, and I was born as a male. I'm 37 years old, of Chinese descent, and lived most of my life in Houston. For the past six years, I've been a public relations executive at one of the largest independent PR agencies in Texas. Tonight was my going away party, when I told all my co-workers (the ones who didn't already know) why I was leaving my comfortable job and taking a chance by moving to New Jersey to find a job. Before I go, I'm going to get cosmetic surgery on my face, breasts and midsection to make me more passable as female, although I do fine with that already with the right clothes, hair and makeup. But going from an A cup to a C cup in bra size makes it a lot harder to mistake me for a guy.

I decided to start this new blog because after tomorrow, I will be full-time and starting my so-called Real-Life Test (RLT - there's going to be a lot more acronyms coming, so you may want to take notes) where I prove to my medical caregivers that I can survive in the female role for at least 12 months in order to qualify for sex reassignment surgery (SRS). I've been pleased to find out that there are a lot of people out there who are interested in my life, so this blog is where I'll post my day-to-day activities and thoughts about Houston, New Jersey, surgery and my life in transition, a 37-year-old girl learning to become a woman.

My birthday was last Sunday. Since my 35th birthday two years ago, my life has changed dramatically. To briefly recap, although I have had transgendered thoughts and feelings all my life, they only became strong enough for me to act on them two years ago. After researching on the Internet, I started experimenting with herbal hormones and came out to my spouse in November 2003. After she got over the initial shock, she supported my desire to explore my feelings and seek medical supervision.

To prepare my physical transition, I went on the South Beach Diet in March 2004 and started losing weight to get rid of my male pot belly. Over the following six months, I dropped more than 60 pounds, mostly driven by my desire to feminize my body. In July 2004, I entered therapy and started taking pharmaceutical-grade female hormones (estrogen and progesterone) and another drug to block the effects of testosterone in my body. In October 2004 I started laser hair removal treatments on my facial hair to remove what little beard growth I had - I'm very lucky in that respect that Asians normally don't have much body hair because laser is very painful and very expensive.

Over time, these procedures have feminized my appearance dramatically, as shown in the before-and-after photos below. The first one was taken in Oct. 2003, the second one was taken in May 2005, less than 20 months later:



2005 has been the watershed year for me, starting on April 1, when my three-bedroom house caught fire in the middle of the night due to a faulty garage door opener and was destroyed, nearly taking me, my spouse and my five-year-old son with it. We managed to escape in time, running out into the street in our pajamas at 2 a.m., knocking on neighbors' doors to use the phone. The fire destroyed nearly everything in the house, incinerating half of it and ruining the other half with smoke and heat. With the help and generosity from friends, co-workers and family, we managed to recover our lives, but regrettably, for various reasons, our marriage did not survive. We separated in April, and are in the process of selling our property and getting a divorce.

So that brings you pretty up to date with my life so far. Feel free to share this blog with anyone you feel might be interested - I am writing this for public consumption, and therefore will not use any names save my own. Take care, everybody.

: Frequently Asked Questions :

So you're a transsexual. What does that mean?

Transsexuals are people whose bodies don't match the way they think and feel, and they seek to remedy this by changing their bodies to match what's inside them. I have struggled with this condition for almost my entire life, since I was very young. I have always felt uncomfortable being the stereotypical male in society, but in order to assimilate, I have learned to play the part convincingly enough to get by.

But over the last few years, as I've learned more and more about what transsexualism is, and how it has affected other people, I have taken steps towards expressing my true nature, although up until the early part of 2005, I wasn't sure where that would eventually lead. Nearly losing my life when my house and all my possessions were destroyed by fire in April made me realize that life is too short to go on pretending to be someone you're not. It was shortly afterwards that I made the decision to come out and start living full-time as Michelle.

How did you choose your name?

This is a question I get a lot. Michelle doesn't mean anything to me, and yet it does. It is a name I have always liked growing up, just the sound of it. It's also a very common female name for Asians (i.e. Michelle Kwan (skater), Michelle Wie (golfer)) and I'm trying to be as ordinary as someone like me can possibly be. When I was thinking of what to call myself, Michelle was the name that kept popping into my head so I just went with what felt right.

What's the difference between transsexual and transgendered? I hear both terms a lot.

There are many kinds of transgendered people, and among them are transsexuals. Transgendered is a general term that encompasses crossdressers, transsexuals, female and male impersonators, drag queens/kings, intersexed individuals (hermaphrodites), gender dysphorics, and others who do not or chose not to fit into commonly prescribed gender labels. A transsexual is a person who desires to live full-time in the opposite gender role from their birth sex, and takes appropriate steps to do so, which can include sex reassignment surgery (SRS).

What does being transsexual have to do with sex?

Because the word transsexual has the word "sex" in it, people often think it's mostly about sex. While that's sometimes part of it, transsexuals are usually more interested in getting their bodies to match their inner identity, rather than finding a partner. For me, it's really about having my body match how I perceive myself in my mind, and adjust accordingly how I am perceived by the world at large.

How did you get this way?

Plain truth is, nobody knows what causes this, although theories abound. Many people believe there is a biological component. The most common theory involves hormones affecting fetal brain development. But again, no one knows for sure. Personally, I don't really care what the cause is. I've felt this way as long as I can remember, and I think it's better to look forward than backwards.

I don't think of being transsexual as a blessing or a curse. I just think of it as a trait, like being right-handed or tall. Unfortunately, any trait carries with it certain social stereotypical presumptions. The misconceptions transsexuals have to deal with are that it's all about sex, or that we're all flamboyant, ultra-feminine divas. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I just find that living and interacting with other people as a female feels right.

When did you know you were different?

One of my earliest memories of being TG was in elementary school. I used to jump rope with the girls when the boys were playing games on the playground - I was pretty good at it too. I've always preferred the company of girls growing up - I never had a stage where I thought girls were icky. It also pained me to see girls being teased by guys, and of course I never did it when my male peers did.

I had serious thoughts about being TG by the time I graduated from college, but at the time I didn't understand transsexualism, nor did I seek treatment. The Internet was still very new in 1990, and there was very little information available online, unlike today. A couple years later, I met my wife and we fell in love, which pushed all thoughts of being TG out of my head for almost a decade. A couple years ago, I started to realize that I was getting more and more unhappy because I wasn't addressing those feelings I had after college. I told my wife, and we endured an emotional roller coaster, as you can expect, but she eventually accepted that this was something I had to do. I started counseling and was diagnosed with GID in July 2004.

So what has been going on since you started?

I've been taking steps to transition since last July, which includes undergoing laser procedures to remove my facial hair (yeowch!), starting hormone therapy, growing my hair, developing a female voice through speech training, buying clothes and learning to use makeup. I have been living part-time as female (nights and weekends) since this past May. Once I go full-time starting in October, I will have my name legally changed on all my identification documents (driver's license, social security card, etc.).

What is the next step for you?

I am planning to have cosmetic feminization surgery on my face, breasts and midsection on Oct. 27 to improve my ability to pass as female. The final stage of the Standards of Care set by the medical community is the Real Life Test (RLT), which involves living as a member of the desired sex for a period of time. This is to help transsexuals determine if sex-reassignment surgery is right for him or her. In most cases, the transsexual is required to live for a minimum of one year in the preferred gender in order to be approved for sex-reassignment surgery. During the one-year RLT, I will need to present myself as female 24/7 to prove I can function in society.

Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) is the final event in the sex-reassignment process. Although transsexuals have no reproductive organs (uterus/ovaries) the final result is cosmetically and functionally indistinguishable from that of genetic females. Some decide not to have this surgery, but I currently plan to have it.

So how does it feel to be transgendered?

It's basically being uncomfortable with your own skin, and not in an "I don't like my nose" kind of way. It's like you have something painfully wrong inside you that you can't fix, so you deal with it every moment of your life the best you can. Most of the time you can ignore it, but it never goes away. And from all accounts, it gets stronger as you get older until you do something about it. I could probably ignore the need to transition for a few years or even a decade. But if I chose to ignore it or deny it as I've done in the past, I would not be living an honest life. Suppressing one's identity over a long period of time can sometimes lead to more serious psychological conditions, such as schizophrenia, alcoholism, depression, and suicide, as the TG person attempts to deal with the internal pain caused by being forced to be someone they are not. I haven't gotten to the suicidal point yet, but I'm not going to wait around for that to happen. Life is too short, and I know I would be depressed and unhappy if I did not address my TG issues now. I would certainly have regrets later in life.

: First day full-time :

"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness to just be happy."
- Guillaume Apollinaire

I woke up this morning realizing that today is my first day going full-time as Michelle. It's a curious feeling, not the overwhelming happiness that some might expect, just kind of relief, mixed with a little trepidation for the unknown challenges ahead. People who have met me in girl-mode sometimes comment that I carry myself as female as if I've been doing this for years, but if you count up the days I've actually appeared in public in girl-mode since going part-time in May, I'm still a neophyte. The total number of days probably amounts to about a month, and very little of that was spent interacting with non-trans people. I guess that's why they call it the real life TEST. But even though I haven't spent much time studying for this test, I think I'm ready enough to take it.

For me, one of the worst things was putting on what I call the "boy-suit" - which refers to not just the clothes, but slicking back my hair with ultra-strong hair gel and tying it in a tight ponytail. It's also the absence of makeup, which makes everyone look better, but is unacceptable on guys in our society except under specific circumstances (like being on TV). And then it's the whole male persona that had become increasingly foreign to me that I had to adopt. It's a little like someone who absolutely adores dogs getting ready for to go to work as a dogcatcher. Except it's not just about the job (which I loved, and didn't really require much of a male temperment as would, say, a trial lawyer); it's everything from looking at myself in the mirror, using the men's room at work, not being able to interact with co-workers as female the way I do with people outside of work, and the overwhelming pressure of staying hidden in plain sight.

I commented to one of my co-workers that there were lots of signs and signals that would have clued in the astute observer - the occasional nail polish, the disappearance of facial hair, the black Anne Klein purse, the long hair, the plucked eyebrows, an occasional use of a subtle matte lip shine, my penchant for engaging in girl talk, subscriptions to health and beauty magazines and women's clothing catalogs in my mailbox, and my lack of variety in male clothing. Since the fire April 1, I've bought very few male clothes, as you might expect, just enough to get me by. All told, I bought one shirt and two pairs of shoes, five white undershirts (to smooth out the sports bra straps) and five pairs of black socks - just enough to get me through each five-day workweek. Everything else I'd worn in boy-mode had been donated (thank you very much to the people reading who donated those, btw) so the end result is that I rotated basically four long-sleeved shirts (gray, blue, white and orange) and two pairs of casual slacks (black and olive) every workday since April. I suppose it is a credit to my workplace that people were too busy with real work to engage in such trivial and detailed surveillance.

So on my first day of going full-time, I'm going to do what most transsexuals look forward to doing at some point - I'm going to clean out my closet and donate of all of my male clothes to charity. Maybe they will find their way to some of the victims of the recent hurricanes here in Texas. I certainly didn't get full use of most of them, so there's plenty of wear left in everything except the aforementioned articles :)

: Living an honest life :

There are many challenges to transitioning from one sex to the other - physical, mental, social and professional. But transition isn't done for sport or for fun. True transsexuals undergo transition because they feel that they don't have a choice. Often, transition is what happens after the transsexual person has had serious thoughts of suicide or even attempted suicide. But it is just as valid a reason if the person feels that life simply isn't worth living if he or she has to pretend to be someone they are not.

Two years ago, most people would probably say I had a great life - a beautiful wife, a wonderful son, a cozy house in a very respectable neighborhood and a satisfying career at a terrific company. The problem was that there was a price to be paid for all that - my identity. In order to have all these luxuries, I had to subsume my true identity, the person I felt that I was inside. And it came to the point where all those other things didn't matter to me anymore if I couldn't express my inner identity. I realized that those things would never make me happy if they cost me the opportunity to be myself.

When I first came out to my family, a lot of people asked me why I "wanted" to be a girl. I could never really get them to understand that they were asking the wrong question. In my mind, I am already a girl psychologically - just not physically or socially. So my choice is not between being a girl versus being a boy - it's a choice between suffering in silence versus taking proactive action. What they should have asked is, "Is being a girl worth changing your whole life?" And my answer would have been yes, because I'd rather live an honest life full of hardship than a comfortable life full of deception.

Being a girl is not a turn-on or anything that makes me happy in and of itself. What makes me happy is seeing my progress every day and realizing that I'm closer to living a life where I never have to pretend to be something I'm not.

: Basics of transition :

The transgender experience is as varied as the people who live it. Not everyone goes through the prescribed medical procedures that lead to SRS. Transsexuals can be as young or old, rich or poor, male or female. I know people who have transitioned as early as 14 years old; as late as in their 50s or even 60s. There are people who go from male to female (MTF) and female to male (FTM). And different people deal with the TG experience differently.

Some people are comfortable being part-time in their chosen gender for years, choosing simply to dress appropriately without taking hormones. Often the need to transition grows stronger over time, especially once the trans-person acknowledges and starts to accept it. Therapy is an important part of making sure that the person is fully aware of the irreversible effects of hormone treatments and that their transgender feelings are not masking other mental or emotional problems.

Once the person is diagnosed with gender identity dysphoria (GID) the therapist might refer the patient to an endocrinologist to prescribe hormone replacement therapy (HRT). For MTFs, this consists of taking large quantities of estrogen and progesterone, plus some kind of testosterone blocker. This can take the form of pills, injections or patches. For FTMs, this means getting regular injections of testosterone or other male androgens. Some effects of MTF HRT can be seen in a few months, such as loss of libido and breast growth, while other effects such as diminishment of body hair, fat redistribution from the waist to the hips and thinning of the skin can take several months or years. The effect of testosterone on FTMs is more dramatic and quicker - growth of muscle mass, increase of body hair, appearance of facial hair, changes in skin texture and deepening of the voice.

It should be noted that contrary to popular belief, female HRT does not cause the voice to change. Once a male has gone through puberty and started utilizing the full range of the larger male voicebox, the only way to change the voice is through speech training. There is a surgical procedure to raise the voice pitch, but it has a very low success rate. One of the biggest challenges for many MTF transitioners is developing a passable female voice.

Hormones affect all the soft tissues in the body, so the effects can be dramatic. However, there are certain things hormones will not change. They can't affect bone structures, so it can't make a tall person shorter, or turn a man's prominent brow bone and square jaw line into a soft, feminine face. Prolonged HRT renders the existing genital functions useless, but does not take away the organs themselves. Surgery is required to effect the changes that hormones cannot.

I am very lucky compared to many MTF transsexuals in many ways - I have soft facial features that only require minor surgical intervention. My voice pitch is naturally high for a male, although the difference between my male and female voice is still pretty dramatic. I had very little facial hair to deal with, having never grown a full beard. I have very little body hair, and even less on HRT. I haven't suffered male hair loss on my scalp as some males do. I don't have a great deal of muscle mass to rid myself of. My biggest handicap is my height - at 6' 1", I've always been considered tall even for an Asian male, so I feel positively gigantic as an Asian female. But the way I see it, everyone has something they don't like about their looks. It's just a matter of accepting yourself the way you are and being happy with your body.

How passable a person is can determine how far they are willing to transition. If a MTF is hopelessly masculine in appearance (think Arnold Schwarzenegger) and can't afford the extensive surgeries to correct her appearance, transition may not be possible because that person could not survive the inevitable discrimination she would have to face. Some people know they need to transition at a very early age. If they are able to obtain the support of their family and transition before puberty has done too much damage, these young transitioners often turn out to be completely indistinguishable from non-TG people, with the exception that they obviously cannot bear children. Older transitioners, or late-stage transitioners, have a harder time from a physical standpoint, but also have greater access to resources not available to younger TS people.

Some TS people believe that transition is something that should be avoided if at all possible, that it should only be something attempted if it's a choice between transition or death. Transition is hard, there's no argument about that. It's probably one of the hardest things that anyone can do in life. But I feel that once you realize that you have to transition, it's best to just get it done with and get on with your life.

: Getting personal :

People are often curious as to what it feels like to be transsexual. As I said, the experience is different for everybody, so I can only speak for myself. I wrote a letter to a family member back in March, and it basically sums up my feelings on how I feel about it.

There is no test, no way to obtain conclusive evidence of gender dysphoria. I wish it were that simple - that would certainly solve a lot of our problems if we removed all uncertainty about our condition. However, gender dysphoria is listed in the latest version of the DSM-IV, starting on page 576 in the section on Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders. There is widespread clinical evidence that the condition exists - 1 in 30,000 is the most common statement of prevalence. You could sooner deny the existence of GID as you could of homosexuality - they are very similar in nature. Just as it took many decades for homosexuality to be removed from the list of mental illnesses, I expect it will take many years for GID to be properly understood by the majority of the medical profession. But just because I can't take a pill to "cure" my GID doesn't make it any less real.

Intersexed people are less common than those with GID. These are people whose bodies have been affected by the presence or absence of certain sex hormones in utero or have a chromosomal anomaly that results in variations such as XXY (Klienfelder's syndrome) or XO (missing Y chromosome, called Turner's syndrome) instead of the more common XY or XX. I have gotten to know several such individuals online. This is a completely different condition than what I have. My body is normal, my brain is what has been affected. Hormones affect every tissue in the body, so it should not be too difficult to believe that the fetal brain could be affected by powerful hormones that trigger sexual development.

There have been studies examining the brains of M2F transsexuals post-mortem, and it was found that their brain structures more closely resembled that of genetic females than genetic males. Whether this was set from birth or the result of a lifetime of cross-living, no one can say for sure. Regardless, I am not all that interested in proving my case scientifically. Even if I were tested and found to have a genetic anomaly, how would that change anything? It doesn't really help to solve the problem at hand, which is what to do about dealing with my feelings.

In the case of human brain development, there is very little scientific proof to substantiate any solid conclusions. But just because we don't know what causes autism, lupus or any number of diseases, doesn't mean we should ignore them and hope they go away. We treat the symptoms, not the disorder itself. Although I don't consider TS people to have a "mental disorder" (i.e. our brains work fine, it's the housing of our bodies that needs to be "fixed"), we are suffering from pain that is just as real as physical pain that has no obvious cause, and it has to be treated or it will only get worse. For me, treatment is psychological therapy, HRT, steps toward a gender transition and possible SRS. This is the course of treatment that every therapist and psychiatrist I have visited concurred on.

In order to help you understand me, I'm going to use some metaphors for my GID experience to illustrate what goes on in my head, but please don't take them literally. It's difficult to explain something as nebulous as gender identity to someone who does not suffer from GID, but I will try.

When I was born, I was born with a female spirit or soul, if you will. This spirit does not manifest itself in conscious thought, but is a core part of my identity as a human being. As I was growing up and conscious thought started to develop, I was taught to be male because I was in a male body. I gradually built up my male identity - learned my name, learned how to dress, how to act, how to treat others. But all that time, the spirit I was born with - Michelle - was sleeping inside me, growing very slowly. The male persona I had built kept Michelle under wraps, except for brief moments, the times I felt that something was wrong with me but I could never understand what it was. During those rare times, Michelle was able to grow a little bit at a time, but was never strong enough to break through the male construct.

Keep in mind that as I'm realizing all this now, I was never aware of being TG growing up - I didn't even know what it meant until recently. You could say that I had "symptoms" of being TG because I cross-dressed from an early age, but those are entirely different things. Being a cross-dresser does not automatically lead to being a transsexual, although most transsexuals engaged in the activity at some time. Cross-dressing is listed in the DSM-IV as a sexual paraphilia, not under gender identity disorders. There are plenty of cross-dressers out there who never transition, never even think of transitioning. They like being males dressed as females and cringe at the idea of SRS.

Up until about three years ago, I thought I was one of those people. I had no intention of becoming a woman - the very idea was about as meaningful to me as the idea of flying to Mars. When I was young, I wished I was a girl, but I also wished I could fly like Superman. To me, these two fantasies had about an equal chance of happening because I knew I was a boy and was never going to change no matter how hard I wished to. And the idea of turning my male body into a female one through HRT and SRS seemed like complete science fiction.

I never seriously thought about the idea of transitioning until three years ago. My childhood fantasy of being a girl involved being magically placed in a real girl's body, not slowly turning my current body into a simulacrum of a girl. But once I discovered that it was possible to do that, I knew that was what I had to do. Perhaps if I had access to information about transitioning when I was in college or high school, it would have triggered my drive to transition then. Unfortunately, I did not have access to real information because no one wants to talk about TG/TS issues in our society, unless it's to make fun of them on shows like Jerry Springer [this is the primary reason for starting this blog, to balance the distorted view of transsexuals caused by past portrayals in the media].

So going back to my psyche - somewhere around early 2002 I started poking around the Internet for TG information. Why did I start doing that? My theory is that by this time, Michelle had grown from being a helpless infant in my mind to being a young girl, questioning, probing and straining against the male construct that she had helped to build for protection but was now imprisoning her. My male identity could sense her now, and there was an urge to protect this growing person inside of me, a child incapable of dealing with the adult world. Coming out online was the safest place where I could nurture this part of me in a support group of people who understand and give unconditional support. Sadly, I can't say I've gotten that from any of my family, much as I wished for it.

When I first came out to my parents, they suggested that I take testosterone in order to make me more masculine. Basically, I interpret that as they wished to administer a lethal injection to Michelle, the girl side of me who only wants to live the life she deserves to live. Michelle is a part of who I am. Getting rid of Michelle would be like giving me a lobotomy - destroying a part of me that's always been there. In the face of such hostility, I need support from anyone I can get. [this is the other reason for this blog].

This letter has been edited for privacy, but the gist of it is the same - I am not changing who I am, I am becoming the person I have always been and was always meant to be.

: Eye of the beholder :

The first part of this week I've been in San Antonio with my friend Kyla. Kyla is a T-girl, 24, and transitioned in high school down in Brownsville. Just take a moment to imagine how hard that must have been. If you think Houstonians don't get TG people, you can be sure that people from Brownsville think we are from another planet. I asked Kyla permission to post her picture here, so here's one I snapped of her a few weeks ago:



Most people who meet Kyla in person would never guess she is anything other than a genetic girl. She works as a makeup artist, so she is an expert at makeup and I'm learning a lot from her. In San Antonio, we stayed with Kyla's best friend, who is a stylist at an upscale salon - we stayed with him during the Hurricane Rita evacuation, and he offered to do my hair for my birthday when we came back. So on Tuesday I got some brown highlights that match my natural highlights, and a bit of a trim. The result is subtle and quite natural, which is what I was looking for.

We also went shopping at Sephora so Kyla could help me pick out some new makeup to replace the stuff I've been using, which is mostly still stuff cobbled togther from donations after the fire in April. We started with a moisturizing tint from Smashbox, then spent some time picking out a four-color eye shadow palette from Stila. And I got a beige glitter pencil from Nars.

Presenting a nice appearance is important to me obviously, but it's not my mission in life to be beautiful. I have to accept that there will always be people who "clock" me (recognize I'm TS) no matter what I do. Even Kyla gets clocked on rare occasions. I remember earlier this year when I came out to my parents, my mom said something very hurtful to me at the time - she said that while I was handsome as a male, I would never be attractive as a female. She said it as if that would deter me, as if the realization that I'm ugly to her would override a lifetime of feeling unable to express my inner self. If being beautiful was that much more important to me than being myself, I wouldn't be a transsexual - I'd be a fashion model. I'm glad I'm not that vain and egotistical.

: Beautiful day :

This afternoon I went to spend some time in the Museum of Fine Arts Sculpture Garden, just walking around and enjoying the absolutely gorgeous weather today. I also painted my nails, removing that bright fuschia color (which didn't really look right with my short nails) and replaced it with my light, irridescent pink. I took some pictures too.

: Health and hormones :

I had a pretty rough night last night health-wise. My allergies are always pretty bad this time of year, and weather changes like we've been having in Houston make them worse until the first real cold front of the season blows through and makes whatever it is I'm allergic to go dormant. Maybe a change of scenery will help that too.

As some people know, I've enjoyed excellent health during my first year on hormones. Even during the fall allergy season last year, my symptoms were not as severe as they have been in years past. In fact, I believe I've only taken a total of maybe four sick days from July 2004 to September 2005, and I only remember one of those times where I really felt sick was when I had a cold. Other times it was headaches or allergies, but not really an illness. During this same period of time my spouse and child were often sick, yet somehow I didn't catch anything. It was almost as if my immune system was stronger then.

But after last night, I'm thinking my period of nearly perfect health is coming to a close. Perhaps my body has adjusted to the hormones and now my body chemistry has normalized to the state of general health I enjoyed before, which was still pretty good. I've always had a fairly robust constitution. It's just that now, biochemically speaking according to blood tests run by my doctor, I am female. My hormone levels have been reassigned to closely match the levels that a genetic female would have, in terms of the ratio of female to male hormones, estrogen to testosterone.

Last night I was suffering from my usual allergy symptoms of sneezing, runny nose and itchy, watery eyes, so I went to bed at 10 p.m., which is quite early for me. I awoke at 2 a.m. having trouble breathing through my nose, and couldn't fall back asleep because of my symptoms. I stayed up and watched some TV before finally biting the bullet and going out to the drug store for a remedy.

One of the major hassles of losing everything in the fire that destroyed my house is not having little things like nasal spray or a full drug cabinet on hand when things like this pop up. So I threw on some clothes and drove to the 24-hour CVS pharmacy to get what I needed. I guess the highlight of the evening for me was being called "ma'am" in the store, even though I had no makeup on, looked terrible with my runny nose and all, and my voice wasn't working its best due to congestion. Passing when you're sick is a little harder than under normal circumstances, so that was a nice feeling for me. So as a little reward, I bought a new lipstick for myself, came home, and finally fell asleep around 4 a.m.

: Out of town :

I'm leaving town for a few days to check out my new location. I'll be back on Tuesday. Hope everyone has a nice, relaxing weekend.

: The real Monet :

I had a great time in New York and New Jersey over the last few days, and I certainly miss the cooler weather. I visited the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where the original of my favorite Monet painting hangs:



I also explored the Palisades, a nature preserve on the eastern side of New Jersey, bordering the Hudson River, which separates New Jersey from New York. The leaves were starting to turn, so there was some fall foliage to color the breathtaking landscape.





I was grateful for the cooperative weather, because as you can see from the waterfall and probably heard from the news, there had been a lot of rain up there prior to my visit, but miraculously, the sun came out on Saturday just in time for my first day in the city. I take that as good omen for things to come.

: Meeting Larry Dierker :

I was in the airport yesterday and I had one of those moments when my old life and my new life get crossed up. I was standing in the security check in area when TV/radio baseball commentator and ex-Astros manager Larry Dierker comes up behind me. For those out-of-towners who don't follow the Astros, Larry was the manager who had a grand mal seizure in the dugout during a game a few years back that made national news. He is also the author of the book, "This Ain't Brain Surgery: How to Win the Pennant Without Losing Your Mind".

But what only a couple people reading this already know is that I was an instrumental part of booking Larry for a speaking engagement on behalf of one of my former clients earlier this year. Larry is giving a leadership speech at an event later this month, and I handled the initial negotiations to book him for the event with his agent.

So when he came up behind me, I extended my hand and said, "You're Larry Dierker - pleased to meet you," and he responded in kind. Then what I wanted to say was, "I worked with your agent to have you speak at [client name]'s event on [date], so I hope it goes well." But given that I'm not that person anymore, I thought better of it and just let it go. I would have loved to see the look on his face though.

: Ear piercings :

I forgot to mention that while I was in New Jersey I finally got my ears pierced at a place called Pleasurable Piercings, a world-famous piercing place (whoa, a lot of "P's" in that sentence). And I guess it was about as pleasurable, or at least pleasant, as this sort of thing can be. My tech used a hollow needle and the whole experience was a lot like being in a doctor's office. The last thing I need right now is an infection. I got round CZ studs in yellow gold put in, and I already have a small collection of earrings that I bought in anticipation of wearing.

Some of my friends encouraged me to get my ears pierced even before I went full-time. And the problem with that is that over the last six months especially, once my facial hair was gone, I really looked too feminine to get away with having pierced ears. It would have been different if I were more clearly masculine (which I thank my lucky stars that I'm not) - then having my ears pierced probably wouldn't have made people think twice. But with my naturally soft facial features and growing feminine manner, having pierced ears would have pretty much given the whole show away.

Sometimes I feel like a girl who has been raised by wolves and is only now adjusting to proper society. As a guy, I didn't pay much attention to my looks at all. I kept my face shaved, my hair combed and I never wore jewelry. So I'm finding out that it's hard sleeping on your side with earrings on, so I can't wait for these to heal so I can take them out at night.

I never dressed fully en femme before this year, so learning about clothes and accessories has been a bit of a challenge. Most of my information so far has come from my copy of The Lucky Shopping Manual: Building and Improving Your Wardrobe Piece by Piece, which is probably the best $25 I've ever spent. And shoes will always be a bit of an obstacle, given the dearth of size 12 styles available. When I was at the Met in New York, I flipped through a book on ways to wear scarves, and of course, that is a whole art in and unto itself. The fact that I know how to tie three different knots in a man's tie doesn't really help me much anymore.

All these things are actually pretty superficial when compared to the other things I'm dealing with, but they are important in their own way because as a woman in her late-30s, I'm expected to know how to dress and make myself presentable. All these skills which genetic females are given a lifetime to master, I have to learn in a few short months before I go out and start looking for a job as Michelle. So far, I'm pretty pleased with my progress in passing, but I'm planning more preparation prior to seeking employment (okay, that was just silly, I'll stop now).

: Everyone deserves music :

I went to the Barnes & Noble yesterday and picked up a couple CDs that I had in my collection prior to my house burning down. I've only replaced a few from my once-prodigious collection (including Yes' 90125, Cole Porter's soundtrack to the movie De-Lovely and Rimsky-Korsakov's Scheherazade) but I still have a ton of music that was rescued from my destroyed iMac's hard drive (thanks to my tech guy at work). However, much of that music is popular music, and bad pop music at that. These days I find myself missing the subtlety of classical music, something I can't have absent in my life for very long.

So yesterday I bought a double-disc set that included Essential Opera and Essential Opera 2 in a single case, and The Mozart Collection. The opera collection is pretty complete to my taste, with the exception of having only one aria from Verdi's La Traviata, one of my favorites. The second disc, however, has an interesting story on how I discovered it, as it is probably one of the most fascinating Mozart discs on the shelves.

The Mozart disc is an American Gramaphone recording, the label responsible for the popular "Fresh Aire" series by composer Chip Davis leading the group Mannheim Steamroller. I first discovered Fresh Aire when I was a freshman in high school, when I was sitting the back of my drum captain's BMW and he was showing off his car stereo using the first track of Fresh Aire III. Davis is a drummer, so his music naturally features the drums, which appealed to high school percussionists like us. From hearing that first track pounded into my body by this guy's supercharged car stereo, I was hooked.

I eventually collected Fresh Aire I-V, some on CD, some on vinyl, before exploring the rest of AG's catalog. Like the now-defunct Sheffield Lab label and Reference Recordings, and to a lesser extent, Windham Hill, AG at one time specialized in producing high quality analog recordings pressed on 180-gram virgin audiophile vinyl. The music may have been a little snarky at times, but it always sounded great, and the Mozart album is no exception. The liner notes on the CD tell the incredible story about how producer Davis and English composer and conductor John Rutter were planning the recording of Fresh Aire VI in London and had an extra day in the schedule. Only a month away, it seemed an insurmountable challenge to plan a major recording project in such a short time frame, but seredipity prevailed in countless ways to make their impossible dream a reality.

Now, back to the music....

: Best face forward :

I have a pretty full day today, a day of firsts for a lot of people. I'm having lunch with two of my ex-coworkers, one of whom will be seeing me for the first time in girl-mode. Then I have an appointment with my endocrinologist, who has also never seen me in girl mode (because I've always made appointments during the workday). Then I'm going to see my attorney, who likewise has never seen me as Michelle.

So naturally, I took a bit of extra care with my makeup this morning. Most days when I don't plan on seeing anyone I know, I don't even wear foundation, or just a light dusting of powder. Today, I used my tinted moisturizer, liquid foundation and powder to even out my skin tone. And although I only have a few hairs left after laser treatment, I still have a bit of shade under my lip where the bulk of my facial hair used to be, so I feel better covering that up. Most people would never notice it though - in fact, a lot of genetic girls have the same problem, so I don't pay it much mind.

I also decided to wear my new glasses, because I think they make my face look more feminine. I think it also helps me to pass for people who knew me in my previous incarnation, because I never wore glasses as a guy. And I'm also wearing my hair up in a clip, which in the past I lacked the confidence to do because long hair is generally a feminine indicator. But fortunately, I've gotten to the point where, if I'm wearing makeup and properly fitting clothes, I like the way I look with my hair up, and it's a whole lot less hassle keeping neat, what with the wind blowing and everything. Also, it helps to keep it out of my mouth while I'm eating.

I'm off now - have a nice weekend everybody!

: Lunch picture :

Just wanted to post this photo of me and my friends. These are two of the senior vice presidents of my old firm, and we had a great time at lunch. It was nice getting caught up on what's happening with the firm. This is probably the first photo anyone has seen of me with my new glasses, in case you're wondering what's different:



I was caused quite a stir at the doctor's office, where they were so accomodating by adding my girl name onto my file and making an effort to use the proper pronouns. One of the doctors made a special visit to my exam room just to see me after my doctor told her I finally showed up in girl-mode - I've been coming there for the past six months in boy-mode, although everyone knew I was transitioning. It was a very liberating experience.

I also requested to start using injectible estrogen, 20 mg of delestrogen every two weeks. It's a little more painful, but it should be better for my health and maybe more effective - we'll see. I'll still have to take progesterone and testosterone blockers daily, but I can stop taking the two different estrogens in pill form, so that's fewer pills to tote around.

That's about it for today - again, have a nice weekend everyone!

: Day in the park :

I went to Hermann Park today to check out the new reflecting pond and layout - well, it's not that new, but the last time I was at the park, it was still under construction. It would probably be a bit more enjoyable as a park if that diesel-powered mini train didn't come rolling through every few minutes. Anyway, a few pictures from this afternoon:

: Breast growth :

On Tuesday I switched from taking estrogens in pill form to estrogen injections. I've felt that for the last few months I haven't been getting much effect from my hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Basically, there are only two ways that HRT can be meaningfully measured when it comes to physical effects in a MTF person - breast growth and reduced body hair. As I mentioned in a previous post, my blood tests have consistently measured in the normal female range for hormone ratios. But I have noticed that my breasts have pretty much stopped growing for the last few months.

This may be due to my age. People who transition MTF after their mid-20s experience a pretty steep drop-off in terms of how greatly hormones will affect them. However, after that drop-off from the 20s to the 30s, the drop-off in effects into the later years is not nearly so steep. And everyone's reaction to cross-hormone treatment is different, so as the saying goes, your mileage may vary.

When I first started experimenting with herbals, I actually got the most pronounced effects in terms of breast growth, which is surprising because herbals drugs are not as strong as the prescription drugs I'm taking now. However, I think the body tends to react quickly at first, and taper off as things reach equilibrium. I wish I had not stopped HRT for a time when I was losing weight back in early 2004 - I think I would have gotten better results if I had continued on it without a break.

As genetic girls might remember from their adolescent days, breast growth starts with the formation of hard, tender lumps behind the nipples as milk ducts start to form. The lumps gradually start expanding into what feels like donut shapes, which eventually round out into the overall shape of the breast, losing its tenderness and becoming fatty tissue. There is a scale called the Tanner Stages (warning: this link may be offensive) that measure human female breast growth, and I feel like I'm at Stage III now, although I'm barely an A-cup. I no longer have the growing pains and tenderness I had when I first started. I might never get any additional growth, but implants can take care of the shortfall, of course.

In transsexuals just as in teenage girls, breast growth happens over a period of 2-5 years. Since I've only been on HRT for 16 months, I figure it's a little too soon to give up on more natural growth - hence, the change to injectible estrogen. Injection has the advantage of bypassing the liver and going directly to the bloodstream, which may make the estrogen more effective. So I'm going to try the injections for a couple months and see if I get any results. The other upside is that I only need to inject once every two weeks, so it's fewer pills to take, although I still have to take my testosterone-blockers and progesterone a couple times a day. But anything I can do to make things easier on my liver is probably worthwhile.

: Lunch date :

I had a nice lunch with a lady who used to work at my firm as a senior vice president and started her own firm several years ago. We've kept in touch periodically, and we got along very well when we worked together. We both have an interest in the energy field, and she's always been a role model for me professionally, and now personally, since we are both non-traditional females in our own ways.

She also gave me a pendant she found at an art show - it's a small rectangular frame with a lovely miniature painting on one side, and a quote on the other side:

"An authentic life is the most personal form of worship" - Sarah Ban Breathnach



I have a new date for my surgery - December 1. Hopefully everything is going to work out this time. I decided not to do the neck surgery, but I'm still doing the nose, breasts and liposuction on the waistline. The neck surgery would have been a nice addition, but I couldn't justify spending the money for such a small change, in the whole scheme of things. Having a little fat under my chin doesn't really bother me all that much.

Plus, it wouldn't really have made me more feminine, just appear younger, and I look young enough. And I was afraid that having the fat taken out of my neck under my chin would make my Adam's apple more prominent, which would certainly defeat the purpose and require an additional procedure called a trachea shave. Best to stay focused on why I'm getting this done in the first place.

: Wall of Water :

There is a skyscraper near my apartment called the Williams Tower - you can see it from my apartment parking lot. But since it's more than 70 stories high, you can pretty much see it for miles. At the time it was built (it was called the Transco Tower back then) it was the tallest building in the world that wasn't located in a central business district (it's in the Galleria area, which is about five miles outside of downtown Houston). The building is about as tall as a oil supertanker is long.

Anyway, years ago, we used to go to the observation deck on the 51st floor, where you could see for miles towards the west. After 9/11, I tried to go up there once, and was told that the observation floor was permanently closed due to security concerns.

So today, just to test that theory, I snuck past the security desk and took the express elevator to the 51st floor. Sure enough, they have turned the space that was the observation area into the building's leasing office. I did snap this picture out the window though - the main street you see down there is Westheimer Road:



Afterwards, I went to the roof of the parking garage and snapped this photo of the recreation area adjacent to the tower, commonly known in Houston as the Wall of Water. This three-acre site is open to the public, and once I started a little improptu cricket game here with some Indian fellows. Today, as the weather was humid and overcast, I just sat on a bench for a while and read my book.





I went back into the Galleria via the skywalk tunnel that connects it to the tower, and watched workers assemble the Christmas tree in the ice skating rink - I guess it's that time of year, despite the sticky weather outside.



I can't wait to move to a colder climate - it shouldn't be in the 70s in November!

: A night at the opera :

As everyone knows, I'm a fan of classical music, and I've been thinking a lot about it of late ("Everyone deserves music" - Oct. 23, 2005). Kyla and I were talking about the opera recently, so I went to the Houston Grand Opera site and found that The Marriage of Figaro is playing, so I bought a ticket for last night's performance.

On my way downtown I stopped at a point along the Sandy Reed Memorial Trail that runs along Buffalo Bayou and snapped this photo of the downtown skyline as the sun was going down.



I arrived early at the Wortham Center to pick up my ticket at the will call booth and walked for a bit down on the hike and bike trails down by Buffalo Bayou behind the opera house. They have fountains and architectural structures built down there to try and make you forget how ugly the bayou looks and smells.





Since I still had about two hours before curtain, I walked three blocks over to the J.P. Morgan Chase tower and rode the elevator up to the 60th floor Sky Lobby, where you can see a breathtaking view of downtown and look west toward the Galleria. I've visited this place several times, but never this late in the day, and got to watch a lovely sunset from a vantage point that most people never get to see. As darkness fell over the city, I watched the lights appear for miles around, lighting up the earth like the stars in the heavens.



I walked back to the Wortham and attended a pre-show lecture on the opera, which was very informative and gave us lots of interesting background on the history of what many people consider to be one of the greatest operas ever written. One thing I didn't know was that it was Josef Haydn who championed Mozart's opera in Prague after it had failed in Vienna, being performed only nine times. Without Haydn's intemperate endorsement, it is quite likely that The Marriage of Figaro would have been lost in the pages of musical history.



For those of you who may not be familiar with this opera, you have undoubtedly heard some of the arias or the famous overture without realizing it. The overture was played at the beginning of the movie Trading Places, and also by Gene Wilder's character in the original version of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, who used it as the musical password to the chocolate room (not Rachmaninoff, as Mike Teevee's mom mistakenly thought). More recently, one of the duets from the opera was the piece played on the phonograph and broadcast over the prison loudspeakers in the movie The Shawshank Redemption.

I was discussing opera with a dear friend recently and we observed that The Marriage of Figaro is one of the few great operas that actually has a happy ending - no one dies, and everyone is happy and in love at the end. That, plus some of the most beautiful music ever written, should be enough for even the most opera-phobic person to give this Mozart masterpiece a try.

: Thinking of SRS :

Every day I start up my car, and a red light comes on the dash that tells me that my airbags, or supplemental restraint system (SRS) is working. And everytime I see those red letters SRS light up, I think about the possibility of undergoing sex reassignment surgery (SRS) someday.

For some trans-folks, SRS is something they have wanted all their lives. I know some t-girls who absolutely hated having a penis, and couldn't wait to get it taken off. For me, I can pretty much take it or leave it. I don't hate the thing itself, but I do want to be rid of it eventually because I want my body to be as close to a normal girl's as possible. I'm fairly pragmatic about the fact that I have the "wrong" parts right now - it's something I'll deal with when the time is right.

People sometimes ask me if I like guys now, or if I ever did. The answer right now is that I'm not sure. I'm still attracted to girls, and I find that I'm starting to notice guys as well, maybe just because I can. Part of it is that noticing what's attractive about males makes me feel more feminine, and I recognize that I feel a need to be perceived as "normal." But the bottom line is that I'm far from what society judges to be normal, so there's not much point in living up to anyone's expectations at this point, save my own.

A big part of my transition has been reinventing myself, retaining what I liked about myself before and giving myself the opportunity to explore and become who I felt I needed to be. It's only after you defy all of society's rules that you realize how much those rules have shaped your life. Breaking free from all conventions gives me the freedom to explore and pursue my true identity, whether it's male, female, trans, straight, gay, bi or pan-sexual.

But one thing I've learned is that the most important thing about a person is who they are inside, not what they look like on the outside. Everyone wears masks at one time or another, sometimes purposely to deceive, sometimes because they are not ready yet to change into their true selves. Being able to take of my mask and show the world my true self has been the most challenging and the most rewarding thing I've ever done. And no matter how else things turn out in my life, at least I have given myself the opportunity to be happy.

: Transformation of Zoe :

So there's this girl I know. Her name is Zoe and she's 22 years old. I met her several months ago at one of my TG groups. Her boy name is Sean, and she even dresses like my friend Sean from Pennsylvania - black rock band t-shirts, black pants and sneakers. Except that my Sean is FTM transsexual and Zoe is MTF, but is still early on in the transition department. Zoe has been on a low dose of estrogen, started growing her hair out long and completed two laser sessions on her face, and is fortunate to be very thin and relatively short (5' 9"). Although she looks very much like a boy right now, she's not going to have any trouble passing eventually, if she gets certain things done and gives the hormones a chance to work.

A few weeks back Kyla and I went to a meeting and Kyla met Zoe for the first time and became fast friends. Although Kyla is only three years older, she is obviously a lot further down the transition road than Zoe. As both Kyla and I share an interest in helping young TG people, we decided we were going to take Zoe under our wings for a night and give her a makeover.

Since Kyla is the expert in makeup and clothing styles for younger people, I put a challenge forth to her: I would give her $50 to spend on clothing and makeup and we would see what she could accomplish with Zoe. One of Kyla's aspirations is to be a personal style consultant, so I figured this would be an appropriate challenge for her, since many young TG people don't have a lot of money to spend when they are first starting out.

We started out at Dots, a discount fashion boutique, but didn't find anything there so we walked next door to Ross, a designer label discount chain. Kyla picked out a pretty black tunic top with a scalloped lace hem, a turquoise zip-front cardigan sweater, and brown corduroy pants.

Cardigan......$11.99
Pants..........$11.99
Tunic..........$9.99
Tax............$2.80

Total..........$36.77

We also bought Zoe her first bra, although she does not quite need one yet. Since the bra was not going to be visible, we didn't count that cost toward the budget. Kyla tried to take Zoe into the women's fitting room to try on the bras, but the attendant wouldn't let Zoe in. So they tried on three bras in the men's fitting room, and picked one, leaving the other two bras in the fitting room - sort of our TG calling card.

Then we went to Wal-Mart for the makeup. We found a palette of eyeshadow, lip gloss and blush colors in the stocking stuffer aisle that gave Zoe a large number of shades to play with. Kyla picked out her proper liquid foundation, some finishing pressed powder, eyeliner, lip gloss and mascara to complete the shopping trip.

Foundation.............$2.47
Powder.................$2.24
Lip Gloss...............$1.67
Mascara.................$2.47
Eyeshadow.............$2.88
Eyeliner pencil.........$1.67
Tax......................$1.11

Total....................$14.51
Clothes.................$36.77

Grand Total............$51.28

We came back to my apartment to do the makeover. While I made dinner, Kyla took Zoe in the bathroom and did her hair and makeup. Here are the before and after photos.





I remember not all that long ago that I was in Zoe's shoes, not knowing anything about makeup or clothes, afraid to make a mistake or even try things outside my comfort zone. I had a lot of support from my online friends early on, giving me encouragement and boosting my confidence to get me where I am today.

It was wonderful seeing Zoe's face light up and get a glimpse of how beautiful she will be someday. It was also a nice feeling helping a young T-girl feel hopeful about going through transition. And I think that making this quantum leap forward today in becoming a girl will show her that this is really possible, and that with practice and perseverance, she can live her life how she chooses, on her own terms, and feel reasonably sure that people will accept her. And I told her tonight that it's up to her to build on this, to practice what she's been taught, and to carry her progress forward.

: Defining success :

In the world of public relations, measurement is one of our constant challenges. How do you define success for a PR campaign? The short answer is that if the client is happy, you're successful. But increasingly sophisticated and demanding clients often have to go one step further and define exactly how happy they should be with your work.

For some clients, success means having a story on the front page of the New York Times or USA Today. For others, it could be achieving a 5% increase in monthly inbound sales calls. Still others might consider simply getting out of a sticky situation with their corporate reputation intact to be a success.

Defining success in a gender transition can be equally complicated. Again, the short answer for some people is that you successfully transition if you jump through all the hoops laid out by the medical community and undergo sex reassignment surgery (SRS). But for some people, SRS is not even a goal, so they might define success as being able to simply live independently in their chosen gender expression. At this point, my definition of long-term success for myself is to be living and working as a post-operative trans-female in the next five years, but of course I might re-evaluate that goal after a while.

But even measuring progress in the near-term is a bit tricky. I'm talking about passing, the ability to appear as a member of the opposite sex to the casual observer. This is a surprisingly difficult thing to measure since - like PR - it's highly subjective, and a somewhat intimate topic of conversation for most people. And the problem is that it's difficult to get a truly honest, unbiased answer from anyone in real life.

In the broadest possible terms, I have two kinds of friends and acquaintances - those who knew me as male and now have seen me as female, and those who have only ever knew me as a female. Those in the first group, which includes a small group of former co-workers and clients, family members and close friends, generally say positive things about my appearance, but sometimes slip with pronouns and my name, simply because it's hard to mentally process a change in identity. To the second group, which includes Kyla, Zoe and most of my Internet friends (some of whom I've met in real life), I am unequivocably female. I remember a few months ago I met Kyla for lunch in boy mode, she commented that I looked like a girl who was crossdressing as male. Another friend who saw me in boy-mode through my Web cam commented that I was the most feminine "boy" she'd ever seen in her life.

So the problem is this - people in the first group have a bias against me toward being male, because they are used to seeing me as male, and tend to focus on male features that they are familiar with. People in the second group are biased toward me in the opposite direction - they know I'm female, and tend to see my female qualities. They are also more open-minded to the whole mind/body dichotomy experience of being trans, since most of them are going through it themselves, and tend to be more understanding of it than the average person.

So that leaves the reaction of strangers as my main source of measurement for success. If I walk into a gender-neutral store (i.e. a Hallmark gift shop, not an Ann Taylor boutique) and the clerk greets me with "may I help you ma'am?" that is a successful pass. But even on those occasions (which is about 95% of the time now) I still can't be positive what the person is really thinking. He or she might know that I'm presenting as female, but realize that I'm biologically male and just being polite. After all, sales clerks are paid to be polite to customers, and are motivated to address us how we clearly want to be addressed.

Unbiased measurement of my voice is much easier - when I go through a drive-through to order fast food, the attendant can't see me and makes a judgement of my gender based solely on my voice. If I hear, "your total is $5.50, please drive up ma'am" that's a pass. Same goes for the phone, if I'm calling someone who doesn't know me (I disabled my Caller ID name for that reason).

Although I normally don't just walk up to someone in public and strike up a conversation, sometimes it happens on its own, and those are probably the most gratifying moments in terms of knowing that I successfully pass. I remember once about a month ago shopping in Target for a scarf and a woman struck up a conversation with me about how women were wearing scarves these days. Clearly, she would not be having that conversation with someone she thought was a male.

Another successful test came two days ago when I ordered lunch for pick-up at my favorite Chinese restaurant. I've been coming to this particular restaurant for more than 15 years, and it has remained under the same ownership for all that time, quite a feat for a restaurant in the competitive Houston landscape. In fact, at a previous job, I used to take orders for the entire office every Thursday and go pick up food for people in the office, sometimes as many as 18 orders each week. The take-out captain, a young Chinese man about my age named Tony, knew me by name and by voice, and always treated me very well, considering how much business I was responsible for bringing in.

Over the last several years, I stopped doing the mass office lunch orders, but I would occasionally drop in and order or myself. Up until Tuesday, I hadn't been to the restaurant in several months, although the last time was on my way back to the office from a client meeting - I was in boy-mode and my hair was in a short pony-tail. That time, Tony had a hard time recognizing me. He initially said I looked familiar - did I have a brother? It was only after I gave him my credit card and he remembered my name that he recognized me. But Tuesday, I called in my order in my girl-voice, and Tony addressed me as ma'am, and then when I showed up and paid cash, he showed no sign of recognition. To me, that is a particularly rigorous test - to pass as female in front of someone who actually knew me as male and not even be recognized. And frankly, if you look at my physical transformation over the last two years, anyone who hasn't seen me in more than two years would have a hard time recognizing me. Ordinary adults simply don't change this much in such a short period of time.

I don't say all this because I'm obsessed with passing. Passing is just icing on the cake, a handy talent that makes life a lot easier for a transitioning individual. To be able to go out in public, shop for clothes, use the women's dressing rooms and bathrooms and not cause a fuss is a luxury, but it's not what makes us female. It's how you think and feel that really matters, not how you look. Ultimately, it's the changes inside I've wrought that are infinitely more important than the ones everyone sees on the outside. But you know, a little vanity now and then is a good thing.

: One thousand visitors - wow... :

Fifty-one days ago, I started this blog to keep people informed on my life and to help shine some light on the transgender experience. Yesterday I looked at my counter and I noticed that I've surpassed 1,000 unique visitors to this site since it went live on Sept. 29, 2005.

What is really astonishing is that readers have visited me from all over the world, from every continent except Antarctica. People have logged on from Canada, the UK, South Africa, Germany, Spain, Denmark, Poland, Sweden, France, Iceland, Brazil, Kuwait, New Zealand, and the Seychelles (only one person that could be, right Nick?) Most of the people outside the U.S. most likely found me from the Transgender Boards, where I posted my site address once. I've also noticed that I'm one of only three TG blogs from Texas at an aggregation site called Transgender-blogs.com. I swear, there's a Web site for everything!

Some people also find me through links on the sites of some of my online friends, most of whom have been blogging a lot longer than I have. And of course, a lot of visitors are friends who knew me by my previous identity whom I told about this site by email.

It's a good time to say that since the holidays are coming up, I will probably be posting here a lot less than usual, not to mention that I'm undergoing cosmetic surgery in the next few weeks. I will try to post a few short updates just to let everyone know how I'm doing, but don't expect the lengthy, picture-laden posts you've become accustomed to seeing.

Whoever you are, thank you for taking the time to read a little about my life.

: A day to remember :

Tomorrow, November 20, is the 7th Annual Transgender Day of Rememberance, when we remember those among us who have paid the ultimate price for the simple privilege that most people take for granted - being yourself.

There are several sites to visit that commemorate this day - here is what I wrote in the guestbook on our local Houston site:

I have only been openly transgendered since this October, so I am relatively new to this cause. I can say that I have met some incredibly dedicated and amazing people who tirelessly campaign on behalf of the transgender population, and I thank them from the bottom of my heart.

The world today makes it difficult, sometimes dangerous, to simply be who we are. Being transgendered in the 2000s is like being gay in the 1950s, except being TG affects every relationship you have, not just the intimate ones. Unfortunately, like the homosexual population, we will have to buy the right to exist with the blood of our own, and so much has been paid already.

But I am hopeful that future generations will be able to live in a world where all people have the freedom to express whatever gender identity that makes them comfortable. That dream is worth the sacrifice.

- Michelle

: Out for Thanksgiving :

I will be taking the next week off for Thanksgiving holiday, as I have much to be thankful for this year. I hope everyone has a joyful and peaceful Thanksgiving!

: Successful surgery :

Hi everyone, I made it through my surgery okay. It was pretty rough though. Right now I'm in quite a bit of pain, but it's manageable. I'm glad I didn't have the chin liposuction, because I'm just hurting all over at this point and I don't know if I could handle more pain than this.

I have a splint on my nose and I'm wearing a sports bra and a full body compression suit to keep all my bandages in place. It's not a pretty sight. But when I take off everything to shower, it's quite a thrill having boobs. Just going to take a while to get used to them.

All in all, the surgery went pretty well - everyone said I did great. Okay, I'm going to go relax now. I'll update in a few days when I'm feeling better.

: Seeing results :

Today was a pretty big day for me. This morning I got the splint and stitches taken out of my nose, so I could finally see the preliminary results. At first I wasn't all that impressed, probably because the nose is still a bit swollen and there were all kinds of bruises and scars all over it. But this evening I looked at it again, and I'm starting to really like it. My new nose is narrower, with a pleasing slope on the bridge replacing the bit of hump I used to have, and the tip is a little more well-formed. Once all the scars heal and the swelling disappears, I'm sure it's going to turn out great.

For people who have seen me before, the difference is subtle to be sure, but the important thing is that I like it, and I'm happier with what I see in the mirror. My nose might not be as obvious as my chest, but to me, its as much a symbolic as an aesthetic change that helps my self-esteem and confidence a little everyday.

I also got the stitches taken out from under my breasts this morning, and all my wounds are closing up nicely. Now I have to start doing breast exercises twice a day, moving the implant around in the pocket to loosen things up and make the implant drop down to where it's supposed to be. It feels really weird to have things moving around inside you, but at least it's not painful.

What is painful is continuing to wear this full-body binder around my torso and upper thighs. This afternoon I went out to the mall to shop for new bras and I was barely an hour into it when I started getting lightheaded and dizzy from the binder. Guess I now understand why women fainted all the time back when everyone wore corsets. I managed to get a couple bras, one from Sears and one from Target - nothing fancy, since I expect my shape to change a bit over the coming weeks.